Lately as I think about the future, which is quite often because I've entered a phase of "burnout" after a lengthy exhausting year, I think about how I have no idea where/what/how it will be. I have a million ideas of how I want it to be, but I spend so much time just passing time. I've always been really good at working, and doing what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes I just want to live though, instead of just working and doing my duty. Inside my heart, I know I'm the type of person that works so I can live, not lives so I can work. I feel lately though that I have forgotten how to do this.  All I do lately is work, and then go home and rest from my exhausting day at work.

I think a lot about how a decade ago I was finishing high school (yes, it's really been a decade, should I actually go to the reunion this year?) and I had more energy for life, and experiences than I've felt in a really long time. I could stay up until 5am every night, and somehow wake up by 10am the next day refreshed for the most part and ready to experience a bajillion more things. I know, I sound like I'm complaining that I'm old. I'm not old at all, when I look in the mirror I don't look a single bit of old. In fact, I think I could still pass for a high school kid or maybe a barely 20's. I'm complaining that I FEEL OLD and I'm only 27.

When being honest with myself, I admit, I can be a workaholic, but it wears me out to do so. I'm really good at my jobs which is why sometimes I burn out from them. I feel like I need to remind myself that I'm not a pack horse, I'm not built to just walk around overloaded with a million heavy things. I need new experiences, moments that make you feel light and like anything is possible. I need to explore, and discover.

This past weekend was one of the first times in the past 6 months that I've actually felt complete ease, and complete rest. To an outsider looking in, my weekend was just another visit with family. To me, it was a cool, invigorating blast of energy, and it made me realize that I need a break from my routine. What happened this weekend that hasn't happened in a long time? Amazing communication, and a truck load of laughs. The kind that make tears come out of your eyes, and you can't figure out why, but it's so funny your lungs aren't taking in air anymore. I could use this type of laughter on a regular basis. It's so healing, and so... rejuvenating!

Until I convince my bosses to let me take an extended leave of absence, I'll keep daydreaming of this place in the picture. Every inch of me craves solitude away from technology, and information overload (which I've been feeling for some time now). I feel like a month or two away from it all would be the best medicine for the job. I can tell it's needed. I stumble over what I try to speak half the time, and the other half, I feel like a dumb blond. I'm tired. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I crave excitement, but I'm too tired to go get it. I've had a cold/bronchitis/sinus infection since December. I know if I go running, they say it gives you energy, but I'm too tired to attempt it lately. And I am trying to do a 5k sometime this spring but have yet to get myself ready! Yep, burnout is here! Poor me, complain, complain, complain...

Want me to change the subject?

On a more positive note, I recently started taking a CERT class. It's really basic community emergency response stuff. Last week we put out small fires with fire extinguishers, and last night we learned to treat wounds with bandages. I was sitting next to an older lady in class last night, and we got to bandage each other up, and tie each other up in homemade slings. I'm really having fun learning this stuff. Next week we're learning splinting and first aid. Here's a really attractive picture of me in the free gear they gave me (minus the awesome goggles). I'm pretty sure neon yellow, and grass green are extremely good looks for me.

Please enjoy my dorky pose

Also, I recently discovered this song through Rach-cakes, one of my fantastic girlfriends. When cranked up loud, it makes me feel a jolt of positive energy. Which is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED right now.

All of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to. It's true, I was made for you.



I love this song, and the type of feelings it represents. I love being in love when it feels like this, even with all its imperfections. And I love powerful singers. Looks like there's lots of love in this post. Yay!