Journal Series:

Monday, January 27, 2014.

I sit here tonight from the comfort of my bed and it's only 8:45 PM. Sometimes you just need to wrap up in your cozy blankets, turn on some Bob Dylan and write. I am so thankful for the life I have right now. I am blessed with so many things that I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have. But... as most extroverts do, I will try.

Sometimes life gets routine, day in and day out, same old story and it can feel like you're just passing time without really living. However, if you look at each day, and really look, you will see the good in it all. I got this lesson from my new favorite movie - About Time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The biggest lesson in the movie is this: Live each day as if you're going back to it and living it on purpose.

Today I really thought about this. It was a typical Monday at work, super hard to wake up because my bed is the most comfortable bed on the planet. I didn't sleep that well because my big, orange cat woke me up at about 4 AM. He was in the middle of convulsing off the side of our bed. The weird thing was, whose cat is smart enough to lean OFF the bed to puke? I swear I have the two smartest cats in the world living in my house. The little white one? He can meow back when you sing to him. He can also bring you his mouse and drop it at your feet when he wants to play.

So, I shoved Mr. Spewer off the bed and let him out of the room so he could go puke outside. Then I had to clean it up. He never pukes, that was a super weird thing to have happen. He's usually just a little cuddle bug all night.

Anyway, Monday was as it always is at work... everything I wanted to get done got shoved to the side so I could get everything else that went crazy done instead. I finished up work and left with Justin. I'm so grateful we work in such close proximity so we can share one car and really save money for our dreams.

Then, when we got home I cooked a fantastic simple meal, and we had a mini-marathon of That 70's Show on Netflix and laughed our heads off while sprawling out on our couch, each of us to an end with our feet crammed in the middle. Then afterward, Justin chased the two cats around the house. The little, white one chasing his mouse and leaping like he was on a springboard. The big, orange one playing tag with Justin from room to room.

My life is sweet and blissful. I am so lucky that I get to live it. I love my little family. Nothing makes me feel better than laughter and peace. I'm lucky that I get to have this right now. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to my God and to the universe tonight for allowing me to have these moments. I am happy.

Good night, and sweet dreams. (If it's day time when you read this, I hope your day is filled with every thing/person you love and hope for.)

Justin and I like to have fun. Sometimes we go on double dates, twice in one day.

This weekend we went to lunch with my life-long girlfriend and her husband.  After we parted ways we met up with another two couples and went bowling.  I don't think I'm a pro-bowler by any means, but I'm not a terrible one either.

I was very nearly the champion until a couple people decided to pull some fast ones and stop getting gutter balls and instead bowl strikes. I thought this would be the first time I ever got to win at bowling, and I was going to beat 5 other people! Sadly, victory was not mine.

I do have to say though, Justin was by far the coolest guy at Miracle Bowl. He brought his own pink camouflage bowling ball.

Yep, that's my husband. I love this guy beyond anything I can ever explain. We have the best time, even if we're just cleaning our whole house. Which is what we did today. I'm so thankful that I get to wake up every day next to him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him.

I had a dream last night that I was being interviewed by some famous host of a show, regarding my life.   I don't remember a lot of what was said, but I remembered finding my answers to be quite interesting. I woke up thinking to myself, "What would it be like if I were on a talk show? Would people find my interview to be a waste of time, or worthwhile?"

I decided to conduct an interview of myself. Let's do this here, for fun, and see what happens.

Q: We've got something special for you all tonight, folks. We've got Lana here to hang out with us! Let's give her all a warm welcome!

--audience cheers and claps as I enter the stage and take my seat--

A: Thank you, thank you, you're all too nice. --I blush--

Q: So, Lana, what are you up to these days?

A: Well, I am still working at the same place I've been since I graduated college. It's been quite a ride, not even knowing what I was interviewing for when I first went in. I desperately needed a job, and would've done anything they needed me to. So, here I am coordinating 100's of events every week now, with a bit of international experience as well. It's been quite fun, hectic and educational all at the same time.

Q: Excellent! That's pretty great, seeing as how a lot of people are stuck looking for odd jobs, just to pay their bills.

A: I know. I've been quite lucky the past 4.5 years. I'm also trying to sell some recent creations on my Society6.com page. If any of you people want to see what that's about, head over to www.society6.com/lanalefevre. You won't be disappointed, I've got art prints, tote bags, throw pillows, mugs, anything you could ever want me to put my art on, since I know you're all desperate for a little piece of it! --audience claps and laughs--

Q: So, the question on everyone's mind tonight is, What do you see yourself doing for the rest of your life?

A: Well, you just get right to the point don't you now? --host laughs-- Honestly, there are so many things I love to do. As long as I have something that pays my regular bills, I just want to spend my life creating. I'd love to own my own furniture shop. Not your regular run-of-the-mill place, though. I want to find old furniture, and restore it to a new beautiful version of itself, and then hang up all my original artwork, and prints, on the walls. Anything in the building is for sale, including the artwork... except for me of course!" --audience laughs--

Q: Well, that's a great idea! There seems to be a lot of that going on lately, so how would your shop be different than all the others?

A: There's the hard part... it would be different because it would have one-of-a-kind pieces refurbished by me, but I'm still trying to find an idea for how to really set it apart. Let me get back to you on that?

Q: I hope you will! I'd love to hear more. Some of us have also followed your blog, and think you're a half decent writer. Have you ever considered writing a book? Any kind of book?

A: I have, and I am... slowly. VERY slowly. --audience laughs-- But it's there, in the back of everyday, looming over my head. I just get writer's block pretty easily. However, I am constantly coming up with synopses of stories that I can start anew. So, I've got ideas for about 5 books right now that if I could just focus and work on them, I'd probably be the next J.K. Rowling... or, maybe just the next nameless author that makes a few bucks off their short stories. --audience laughs again-- Either way, I'd be satisfied if I just finished one of them!

Q: That's really great, hopefully one day we can pick up a copy from the nearest Barnes and Noble?

A: That's the plan... now if I could just get to work on that again! --audience and host give me their best sympathy laugh--

Q: So, what about your family? How's everyone these days?

A: Well, you heard about my mom right?

Q: Yeah, sorry to hear that she's had to fight cancer --audience sighs sadly-- this past year. How's she doing?

A: She's doing ok actually. It's never a good thing to be diagnosed with cancer and fight it the way she has, but I'm so grateful she's still here. It's really inspired me to focus more on what I want out of life, instead of just going through the day-to-day motions. Sure, I've spent a lot of time lazing about this year, because stress will do that to a person. But I have big plans for myself, and she is my inspiration. Life is short, and it can turn on a dime. We really have to make it what we want. My mom was a go-getter when she had the energy and health, and I can't think of a time in my life that she didn't have a million dreams going all at once for herself. She always achieved them, and made them happen. I really have learned a lot from her example, and can't think of a better way to live myself.

--audience claps and cheers--

Q: Well, that's really inspirational, she sounds like an amazing mother, and someone who has a great legacy. You are one lucky girl to be raised by a woman like her.

A: I really am. I have always known it too. --audience claps again--

Q: Well, that's about all the time we have for tonight, folks! Thanks for being here Lana, and we all look forward to seeing your books, your artwork and your furniture in the future. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

A: Thanks for having me, it's been a pleasure. --I wave at the audience while the end credits roll--

If were to be on a late night talk show, I think I'd probably wear an adorable black or gray dress, with the below accessories. Justin got me these tights for Christmas, and I am loving their bright mustard-ness. You can never go wrong with colored legs. I am serious.

So, if you had to interview yourself, what would it say and what would you wear?

Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

So... sometimes we hang out with my little, teenage (bigger than me) brothers. We are all soooooooo cool. I love this time of year, and taking off a lot of work so I can have time to bother them with my camera.

May your day be filled with the best parts of life and those that matter most to you. Merry Christmas from us, to you.

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

MUST BUY ALL THE THINGS!!!! GRRRR...

So with all this hullabaloo going on about Black Friday extending into Thursday this year to allow for more shopping madness, it kind of makes me angry. What is wrong with America? Maybe stuff like this happens in other countries too, but I live here so I'm complaining about here. America you are ridiculous. I love you, but sometimes I don't like you. Wasn't the first Thanksgiving about sitting down to eat and celebrate the successful harvest by not working or doing anything crazy?

Thanksgiving happens to be one of my favorite holidays. Maybe it's the food that makes me love it, or maybe it's the fact that my mom and I can be found pulling out 500 piece puzzles and attempting to do one of them throughout an entire day. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know what it isn't. And it isn't BLACK FRIDAY.

Black Friday is a grotesque display of how awful Americans can be. I love America, but I don't like certain things that are becoming the norm.

BLACK FRIDAY IS DUMB.

I mean that, and yes I wrote it like I was yelling. I want to stand in the middle of the mall like a crazy protester with signs and say, "GO HOME AND STOP BEING SO DUMB."

I know that Black Friday is a great day to get great deals. But why do you need to go through all that drama to get all that crap? Whatever happened to making memories with your family that don't involve shopping malls during the holiday season? I mean do people even know what the holiday season is about anymore? Or is the holiday season now just about shopping for new crap? New plastic pieces of technology to fill our brains with nonsense and kill our ability to concentrate, new clothes that look great, but only until fashion designers say in 3 months it is out of style, new crap that will sit on shelves in your home and turn you into a hoarder?

Don't get me wrong, I love technology. It's an amazing invention. I love giving and receiving gifts. I love buying new things that I need and want. But I refuse to stand in a huge line like a ravenous wolf after my prey when I buy things. I HATE STORES FROM NOVEMBER TO JANUARY. It's like normal humans turn into salivating dogs at the ring of Pavlov's bell when the fourth Friday in November rolls around. Wasn't it just last year or the year before that a woman started pepper-spraying the crowd around her to keep them away from what she wanted to buy? WHO EVEN DOES THAT?

I seriously can't stand it. STOP BUYING THINGS YOU CRAZY WOLVES! If you can't be nice, and mentally stable during November and December, you're not allowed outside of your home.

Acting out the Christmas Story from the Bible.

I miss being oblivious to Black Friday. I was young enough that I didn't know that stuff was going on. I just knew that Christmas time was magic. Christmas lights were everywhere, the tree decorated in our home, we always had a fire going in our fireplace because it's cold out, and the air gets crisp and cold. My church youth group would deliver gifts to and visit with the elderly of our neighborhoods. Every time I would come home from school my mom would have a spice candle burning, and christmas music on the stereo. She would make chocolate mint treats, and we would prepare for the most magical night of the year. A night that would never allow me to sleep, because my stomach would be too full of butterflies to be able to sleep.

Usually that night of angst was preceded by a fancy candlelit dinner. This is my favorite Christmas tradition. Every Christmas Eve my mom cooks a nice ham or something fancy and we eat by candelight. Usually the candles would get blown out half way through and the lights would be back on... having 5 brothers makes for some little pyro-maniacs at the table messing with the fire. It was fun while it lasted though! Then we'd all read the Christmas story from the Bible and get ready for bed. This is still the best memory for me of Christmas. It's still magical to me because I crave family time during the holiday season.

I am so excited for this weekend. I can't wait for the feast, the family, and the Friday off work (but it won't involve anything black). I am also very excited for Christmas this year! It is my first Christmas living with Justin and our 3rd since we got together. Sure we kind of have no surprises this year for Christmas, but that's because we both needed some things so we just bought them for each other. But who cares, I don't love Christmas for the gifts. I love it for the magic-ness that it brings. I can't wait for us to start our own traditions and have many more holiday seasons to come. We already set up our tree and it's cute! It's small, and sparsely decorated, but every ornament is from a place we've been or something we've done. It's a sentimental tree that will get more additions to it as our lives progress.

What about you? What are your favorite holiday season traditions, memories, or crazy stories?