Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from: http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.

T was channeling Jay Gatsby - The Great Catsby I loved the movie, now I'm gonna read the book. I know, I'm doing it backwards.

Apparently we showed up for church and the meeting didn't exist that day. So we decided to make ugly faces and pretend we were not ridiculously excited to go home and sleep some more... and it was noon.

Yeah, it's like that.

My handy work. The board... not the jewels. Can't wait to show y'all my next project... HINT: it has 4 legs and you sit on it.

Sometimes I wonder if people feel things the same way I do. Sometimes I wonder if all we really need is just to walk around and hug people, or put our hands on their shoulder and say, "Hey, whatever it is, you're not alone." I wish someone would do that to me. Or even better, I wish everyone I know would line up and just give me hugs one by one for the next 24 hours.

It is so hard to watch the people I love go through hard things. I can't imagine even trying to help others that I don't even know.

Watching my mom go through what she has been given to endure, is just heart wrenching. She is as strong as God makes a person. But hearing her admit that this is something she wasn't prepared for and that it's probably the sickest she's ever been breaks my heart. Then there's everyone in our family. All of us carry our own heavy weight as well because our mother/wife/grandma/aunt/sister/daughter/niece/cousin is in pain.

You know, sometimes I feel guilty about going through my everyday as if it's just a normal day, and as if my mom is just fine and that she doesn't have cancer and isn't miserable. I know that is the only way we can really continue on when hardships come, and that is one lesson my mom has taught me with her ever steadfast example. She never blinks when adversity stares her in the face. The tears may come, and she may fall to her knees, but she never blinks. She is a fierce contender for the adversary. I know he knows it.

That is why I have the world's best mom, you guys. 

I'm just sitting here feeling heavy hearted tonight as she battles feeling the most sick she ever has. Right now I wish I had a month off of work to go stay with her and help her get back to healthy. She is done with her treatments for a while, but the effects take a while to subside, and they are really in full force right now.

My cousin did a beautiful thing this week, she cut off all her hair in support of my mom's hair loss from radiation. I am so grateful for beautiful people in this world. I am surrounded by the loveliest of people, that all have big hearts, and selfless attitudes.

It's weird, I'll be just fine for days and weeks, and then I'll have a day where I have to go sit in the bathroom stall at work, and do some anxiety breathing to avoid a cry-fest. I did that today. Sometimes I just want to stand up and scream, "THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!" and get up and leave work and just take a vacation until everything gets better. But the truth is, this is life. Sometimes you're covered in mud and you just have to keep going even with the mud all over you. But, I remember being a kid and playing in mud was fun.

Adult mud sucks.

So, thanks for reading my depressing post. If you see me, give me a big hug, ok? I'll be ok. I think I just need to go to sleep.

So... Tuesday I turned 29. WOW... I am almost 30! It's super crazy to think about. My husband took great care of me, throwing me a barbecue (my favorite birthday activity) and cooking for everyone. He also got me some running gear, like shoes, a water belt and a hat! I have to say, my first birthday married to him was a huge success. I'm so grateful for him!

Birthday pie is far better than birthday cake, or any type of cake.

As many bloggers do around their birthdays, I will be doing a post about 29 things I've learned in my 29 years here on earth. So here goes...

1. I've learned that friends come and go, but the real ones won't care how much distance or time has been put between our last conversation or meeting, they will always be there for me just like they were before.

2. Sometimes I get to a point in life where I have done what I can in a place, and soon I'll need to get out and explore again to feel a fire start inside of me. That is why cars were invented... so I can move around!

3. I can qualify by myself to buy a nice comfortable small house, I'm legit y'all.

4. Two opinionated headstrong people can live together and be just fine. They just have to make sure they communicate.

5. Cleaning the house and making dinner before my husband gets home on his busy weekends isn't anti-feminist, it's pro-love and makes him feel awesome. Which makes me feel awesome.

6. Candy really isn't good, you can actually grow to crave cucumber slices over a snickers.

7. I have GOT to be more pro-active in my health.

8. When you're married, you share all illnesses.

9. Cancer is no respecter of persons. Who cancer wants, cancer will take.

10. Boys use a LOT of toilet paper.

11. Cooking my own food provides the best results, every time.

12. I never know what I can handle until I have to live through it. Then, there I am, handling it better than I ever imagined I could, or handling something I didn't think I ever would be able to stand.

13. When I was younger, if something didn't reward me directly I didn't like it or want it. Now what makes me happy is still my own successes, but also seeing everyone I love succeed.

14. The design of college needs to be rethought. It is functional, but it is mostly a business. There is something missing that would make it truly great. If I could pinpoint that one thing, I'd start selling my idea to them.

15. I can grow plants from seeds.

16. Not every one wants friends... still boggles my mind.

17. Cats and dogs have souls. My cat looks me directly in the eye and puts his forehead on my cheek when I have been super kind and caring toward him all day. Probably the single most adorable thing to ever happen to me.

18. I'm not ready yet to be a mom, but I can see it happening someday. It would be cool to see someone you made grow into an awesome human.

19. People often want to complain about the messes they're in, but they never want advice... they just want to keep complaining until they decide to do something about it themselves. We are all guilty of this.

20. Even when I turn my back on people, they can surprise me for good. We just have to be wise about who we let back in when this happens. Some surprises are permanent changes. Some are just short-lived.

21. Laughter picks up even the worst days. My mom can suddenly find out she has a brain tumor, and have to have her brain cut into, and have to go through chemo and radiation and lose all her hair and be sicker than she ever has in her life, but every few days, my husband and I can have silly moments that make me laugh until I cry, and can't breathe. Because of this, I can find myself strong enough to go on with life and continue feeling hopeful.

22. God never leaves me. He is the hope in my heart, and the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

23. Even if I stop making art for 10 years, my mind will remember what my hands forgot. I just have to be patient and help my hands remember.

24. Running is power.

25. If we could look into the souls of every person, we would never hurt anyone. There is beauty in everyone, some people just don't know how to show theirs... yet. Some people just need to learn how to look for it.

26. Everyone can teach you something. Even if they are 2 years old and you are 80. You just have to be open to learning.

27. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

28. Everyone is walking around with baggage... no one is baggage free, some just have learned how to carry it properly. If we could all see what God has asked each other to carry, we would understand where people are coming from.

29. I owe myself success.

Well, there you have it! That's not all I've learned, but those are the 29 that come to mind this morning. I'm loving this morning to myself thing. I am working a night shift tonight because of some work I have to do, so I fully intend to make the most of my beloved daytime hours! I think a jog in my new birthday running shoes is on the agenda before I head to the office. Have a great day everyone. Why don't you share with me some things you've learned? I would love to hear from you.

Right before brain surgery

So... my mom only has 2 more weeks of her awful radiation and chemotherapy sessions, and then she gets a much needed break. She'll get to go home and be with our family that are still living there, and be where she belongs and get to rest! It's been hard watching her do the hard thing, and go through treatment. It has been a battle for her for sure, and there are times where I know she feels like quitting because it is a huge burden to bear. Chemotherapy and radiation are killing treatments. They are not designed to make you feel better while doing them. They are designed to kill cancer. My mom is an inspiration, even if she's not trying to be one. She is tough, and driven, and amazing. She is one of a kind, and I thank God everyday for watching over her always.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and help. Thank you for driving her to and from her home each Friday so she can spend 48 hours where she lives before she starts treatment again on Mondays. Thank you for making dinners for my stepdad, and brothers and sister. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your hugs! Thank you for loving my mom, and our family.

These past 2 months I've spent a lot of time in prayer, or contemplation. Justin has helped me through sad days, and I'm so grateful for him. I am so thankful that our Savior, Jesus, atoned for the heartaches of this world, so that I could know I'm never alone in challenges, and that all of those around me are never alone in theirs. It boggles my mind to understand the concept of the atonement, but the more life I live, and the more pain people I love go through, I am ever grateful that someone was willing to say, "Here am I, send me. I will suffer for them."

Cancer is a stupid worthless thing, but it has reminded me of what's truly important, and that is family and loved ones.  I am so grateful to know that while everything else in this life disappears or ends, we never can lose who we are, or who we love. It's such a beautiful design. I'm reminded of the scripture in the New Testament of the Bible, in Matthew 6:19-20,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal, For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I found a song on my playlist of "unlistened to songs" that I go through from time to time. It is by Greg Laswell, the lyrics are sad, but the song is beautiful and has stirred up emotions in me, related to my mom's cancer, the few times I listened to it over the past little while. The first time I heard it was while driving to the hospital to visit her the day before her brain tumor surgery. Needless to say, I ended up in full blown tears. Also, this video I found for it on Youtube is beautiful. Whoever did the animation is a genius.



Let me know what you think of the song, my writing, or anything in general. :)