Faith(less)

Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from:
http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.