Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

So... sometimes we hang out with my little, teenage (bigger than me) brothers. We are all soooooooo cool. I love this time of year, and taking off a lot of work so I can have time to bother them with my camera.

May your day be filled with the best parts of life and those that matter most to you. Merry Christmas from us, to you.

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

So I'm off to spend the next week with family and relax before 2013 comes to end.

I don't have a lot to write. Work has been insane. Job security, but awfully busy and miserable. But tonight was our work party, and it was at the Grand America hotel in SLC. Fancy and fantastic. It's crazy how well our company is doing these days. I'm lucky to have such a great job at the moment, but I couldn't be more excited for a week off with my family right now.

I. AM. BURNED. OUT.

So... here is a before and after photo sequence of a chair I redid this year and have been meaning to share with you all. This will suffice as a post for now! It was a super cheap thrift store chair that must have come from a huge set of old office chairs because there were several of them.

I had to rip off all the gross fabric (2 different layers of it), rip off the dirty 50 year old foam that was full of skin cells of tons of people and put new foam and fabric on. It was.... GROSS. Justin bought me a simple staple gun, and some gloves and I dug in. It looks great now! If I could do it again, I'd have bought more than just one!

So what do you think?

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

The title of this post is one of my favorite hymns. It's short, sweet and speaks of how I feel on a regular basis. Utah is full of beauty everywhere I look -- the mountains in any given season, the valleys, and the sunsets. We truly live in a beautiful state. While driving home from my parents' house to ours after Thanksgiving, my husband and I encountered the below scenes. Excuse the poor quality pictures, we were driving in crazy holiday traffic so they are all through the car windows. Also note, there is no filter.

God is a master artist.

Guys, my Thanksgiving holiday was truly THE best. Here's why:

The entire setup and most of the group. (Crazy Panorama)

My siblings and I arranged to cook the entire meal by ourselves. We ended up roping my stepdad in to cook the turkey, but other than that, we set everything up, prepared the food and organized the whole day. All my mom had to do was show up and eat. It worked out to be a HUGE success. My mom just hung out while her children prepared food in her kitchen and got everything together. When it was finally ready, I asked her what she thought of the day. And she said, "I should've had you guys making all the food for the past several years. This is really great."

I'm so glad we were able to make her Thanksgiving. She is unable to cook anymore and half of the time she can't even eat anything, so it made me really happy that every single one of my siblings was on board to execute my plan. When I first thought of the idea, I texted my oldest brother and his response was, "OF COURSE, I will make the turkey!!!!"

We had to change those plans because he has 5 kids, and couldn't get there with enough time to cook it, but I loved his enthusiasm. Everyone was the same way. After dinner we all just hung out, watched old home movies, and talked with my mom.

My mom and her newest granddaughter.

My sister, sisters-in-law, mom and me.

I spent the entire next day with my mom. It was nice because I never get time alone with her anymore, and I really wanted it. Also, it allowed my stepdad to get some work done and not have to worry about her for several hours. I cleaned their house and sat with her while she slept. She used all of her energy staying awake on Thanksgiving so she slept almost the entire day Friday. I can't imagine what her life is like anymore. We talked a little bit about how she feels lately, and it's been really hard on her. She can't form a sentence almost 80% of the time now because she can't find the right words to get her thoughts out. Her thoughts are a big jumbled mess. Every now and then she'll be able to say exactly what she means, and it makes her really happy. The rest of the time she's pretty frustrated. I feel so bad. It's amazing what 9 months of time can do to a person. Back in February, she was as she always was -- healthy, vibrant and full of energy.  Nine months later, she's deteriorated quite far. It breaks my heart every time I see her, but I know that she's still my same mom that has always been there.

Despite all this, her hair is finally starting to grow back. It gives me hope that good things are coming.

Saturday, my sister, and one of my sisters-in-law, came back over to my mom's house. We spent the whole day decorating her house for Christmas. We had a lot of help decorating by way of some little elves (three of my nieces), and it was a lot of fun! My mom slept through most of it, but when she woke up and could see it, she made sure to tell us it looked great! Christmas is one of my mom's favorite times of year, so I'm really grateful we were able to get her house all setup for the holiday season.

Mom's tree, freshly decorated by the granddaughters (ages 3-7).

All I want for Christmas this year is for my mom to have a great holiday, and to have vast improvements in her health. She is the most beautiful person I know, and I hope and pray that we'll find a way to get her health to improve. It was such a beautiful Thanksgiving, full of help, service, and family. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I feel rejuvenated and ready for this holiday season!

Justin and I came home the other night to the raunchy smell of sour garbage. Isn't it funny how garbage has roughly a 5-minute window of when it doesn't stink to when it smells up the whole house and permeates into the floorboards and sheetrock? (Ok, it's not THAT bad but Febreze air freshener won't even cover it when it hits that point).

It's like, "Hey, I know I'm garbage, but I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Just go to work, and pay attention to me later."

5 minutes go by.

"I AM THE EVIL STENCH MONSTER! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AT WORK WHEN I APPEARED, NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

And you spend the next 30 minutes cleaning and airing out the house to get rid of it.

Well, I've seen this thing on Pinterest where you boil sliced oranges or orange peels with cinnamon and water. It's supposed to smell like a dream came true at your house. So I tried it and...

...it works! No Pinterest Fail here, internet peeps! My house smelled like the holidays, heaven and magic all wrapped into one! And it didn't burn my nose or give me a headache like scented candles do! I loved it so much that I had my trusty friend, Google, help me find these simple recipes for more house scents on Apartmenttherapy.com, which is also one of my very favorite get-lost-for-hours-at-a-time sites.

Pasted below, directly from the article, are the ones I want to try. Check it out, and let me know how it works for you!

And because your house will smell like the holiday season, it will make you get in the holiday spirit... and you'll eventually do this. BEFORE THANKSGIVING. Trust me, it smelled THAT good.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I'm too busy cooking food, and eating it to write a real post. So you get THIS DELIGHTFUL GEM OF A PHOTO. (I save my best work for when I'm not salivating over turkey!) Don't forget to tell everyone how grateful you are for them today.

I'm just happy my whole family gathered together this year to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom. I am so thankful for my loved ones. I couldn't handle life without them!

What are you thankful for this year?

Leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you on this lovely holiday!

You know how we all love vacations from work right? Well... does anyone else have to work all those vacation hours you are planning on taking before you even go on a vacation?

Sometimes I feel like my job is so busy that if I want any days off, I have to work all those hours prior to taking them off. For example, I get two days off this week for the Thanksgiving holiday.

YES!!!!!

BUT... Saturday I worked a full day at my house. Sunday too. So technically, I should be getting 2 extra paid days this week instead of just the two I'm not working because of the holiday.

Does anyone want to let my boss know? HAHA...NOT (yeah I just said NOT). I love my job, but sometimes I just need to not have to burn myself out just so I can take a day off. But hey, all complaining aside, it's job security and I really love that about it. Plus, they do take care of us in other ways, so I can't complain too much, right?

It could be worse. I could be a manure scooper at a ranch. Or I could be a drive-thru clerk at Weinerschnitzel (does anyone actually eat there?). So I will just take this Thanksgiving week to say this:

I am extremely grateful that I have a job that keeps me busy and helps me pay my bills. It adds to my ever-expanding resume constantly, and that is something that doesn't happen too often in today's job market. So, I actually do have a great job and I'm VERY grateful they've loved me for the past 4.5 years.

I'm just tired...REALLY TIRED... and ready to see my whole family, stuff my mouth with turkey, gravy, pie and potatoes and not have a single care in the world except, "PIE...MMMM...GOOD."

*SIGH*

2 more days.

In other news... when I took a few hours break from working on Saturday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen in almost 7 or 8 years. She just moved to the area and I am excited she's here!
I just love reunions with great people.

I stole this photo from her Instagram. Aren't we a lovely pair?

I have an issue with the media lately... again. Or maybe I grew up.

Here's why:

Found this on HM.com

This girl is beautiful, and she probably has a killer, silly personality. But marketing and media don't let that show. Right now I don't want to be this girl, I want nothing to do with her. She looks timid, and unsure of herself, and I don't want to feel that way if I wear what she's wearing. Everywhere I go lately the models in catalogs and in advertisements look like they aren't real. If you want me to buy your products and wear your clothes, you have got to show me that doing so makes my life amazing.

What I want to see is a woman posed in an outfit as if she's in her regular life. I want to see her doing something mundane and looking fabulous in regular clothes. I will never wear stiletto heels  and a crop top to grocery shop, or get my mail. I work in an office, not a club. Can we please see real women doing real woman things?

I tried to find an advertisement that showed a realistic situation, that is really positive and the woman looks great. But I can't. You cannot feign confidence and happiness. You cannot fake love.

You can't fake this:

There seems to be an unspoken rule among women that you're not supposed to know you have a great body, or that you're skinny, or that you think you're pretty. It's like we're all supposed to join together and hate our bodies, but if someone compliments us on how we look thinner, we're supposed to feel AMAZING! It's weird. What if I know I'm skinny already?

I've been a twig my whole life. My mom has been a twig her whole life. My grandma has too. I come from a long line of twigs. Still don't believe me? Go look at my little brothers. One is 6'7" and is lean and hipster looking. (He has luscious shoulder length hair that accentuates his cheek bones. The girls at his high school must be piles of goo when he walks by.)

Here are a few of my favorite (read: annoying) things that have happened in relation to my weight:

I was emailed once through Facebook by a girl in my church. She had been suffering from bulimia, and was positive I was anorexic because I'm very thin. She told me if I ever wanted to talk to her about my eating disorder, she would be all ears because she understood. HAHAHA... thanks for the help, girlfriend.

A boy entering my apartment with his friends sees me walk into the room, "Whoa, do you eat... ever?"
No, I'm the only person alive who doesn't need food to survive. I'm a magical unicorn of sorts. Here, take a picture with me so you can tell all your friends!

A former boss said to me one day while in his office, "Hey, you look like a concentration camp victim." And then laughed. That one actually got to me. I went to lunch, called my mom and bawled. That is not a compliment sir, you said I look like a walking corpse. SO not a compliment.

The list of these goes on and on. I thought being skinny is what every girl wants? Why is it so weird to people then when they see someone thin?

The truth is, there's a lot of things that keep me skinny. When I'm emotionally stressed, I'm not hungry. So if I ever go through something hard, I drop 10-15 pounds over about 6 months. It usually takes me the following year or two to put those damn pounds back on, so I'm never happy about the weight I lost. The other truth is, my genetics are small-boned, tall, lean frames. Even when I do gain weight, I'm still a size 3.

I think it would be so much better if people really could accept everyone regardless of size. Larger people want to be accepted for their weight and shape. Why can't people accept tiny, skinny people?

Here's what's happening in my head now... I no longer care if I look skinny. There are outfits that I used to avoid because they elongated my figure or made me look flatter chested. There are hairstyles I avoided because they made my cheekbones more pronounced and you could see my long thin neck. I just don't care anymore. I am a twig-like female. I'm actually really grateful for this twiggy frame I've been given. It's come in handy if I ever needed to squeeze through a fence! It's also come in handy because it's healthy. I am a healthy, happy, human being, and I love myself more and more the older I get. I even embraced my natural dirty blond hair color this year. THAT is confidence, kids.

I'm not posting this to brag, or to say my life has been hard as a thin person. I'm just posting it because I don't care anymore what anyone thinks.

Hi, My name is Lana and I'm naturally skinny. I can eat carbs all day and not get fat.

And I like it.

But that's not all that defines me... in fact I prefer not to define myself by my size. I prefer to define myself by my talents and what I have to offer the world.

I find that the older I get the less I make new really close friends. I don't say this to be a downer, I've actually been contemplating this fact for the past couple of years. This post is not so much a "poor me, my friends all live far away" as it is a "what is the method for finding friends in my phase of life?". When we're young, friends basically fall into our laps.

Here's a timeline of sorts to help illustrate my idea:

Birth to 4 years old: whoever is in your neighborhood, is instantly a part of the club. Also, cousins, siblings and other short people will do.

Kindergarten-6th grade: Look to your left, look to your right. The girl sitting in the desk at either of those directions will most likely end up being your best friend. Move to a new group of desks? Repeat this process all over again. Easy peasy.

7th-12th grade: repeat the steps from elementary school. Also whoever joins any similar activities to you will also be a buddy. Occasionally you have to find a new circle because teenage girls are chock full of insane hormones and tend to get really mean and exclusive... but this can easily be done as you now have several classes a day instead of just one group of kids all day. No more friends in first period? Try second period in 30 minutes!

COLLEGE: Anywhere you go, just ask someone your age what kind of music they like, or favorite movies... and BAM INSTANT FRIENDSHIP FOREVER! Another instant friendship is often the 'college roomie' situation. These two types of friendships also tend to be tightened and strengthened by helping each other deal with weird roommates, boy drama, and dance parties! If there's any random crazy fun to be had, you'll have it.


Current situation: Late 20's, early 30's. I have a tight group of friends that I consider my very close best friends. I'm watching them become moms to their first, second and third children. We've got years of life behind us together, and we know each other's families, and each other's secrets. We'd never hold back the truth from each other even if it hurts because we know we are supposed to help each other. We are like sisters. Every time we talk or see each other life picks up right where it left off, with a LOT of chatting of course to catch up. We are scattered all over the world, and it doesn't matter. Some of us are married, some are not. Some are moms, some are not. But we are all in life together, and will always be there for each other even though there are now thousands of miles and even an ocean between some of us.

So how do we make new friends in this station in life? I feel like it's much harder to find new close friends now that I'm in this phase. It used to be "I NEED A SOCIAL LIFE SO I WILL TALK TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE." I had a lot of friends that were good and bad for me, and the more I get older and more responsible with my life, I find that I need just to keep the ones around that are good for me and I can easily let most people go with ease. I am able to talk to most people, but I rarely now form lasting bonds with anyone new. I'd like to challenge myself to find a new friend in the next 12 months that I have a lasting, deep friendship with.

So, who wants to hang out?
I have treats... and a kitten.

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

Did I ever mention how much I love Fall? I love the warm tones on all the plant life, crunching through piles of leaves on the ground, the cooler crisp air, the clothes, and jackets!!! I just love this time of year. Maybe it's because my favorite holidays happen in the cooler weather that's coming. Maybe it's just that this time of year always fills me with hope, nostalgia, and I crave family time.

Happy Veteran's Day to this sexy beast! I am so grateful for his love, friendship, hard-working nature, and ridiculous sense of humor. I'm so lucky to be his wife. I'm so lucky we get to figure out this crazy life together. I couldn't have found a better person to be with.

I've always been a huge eye-roller toward bandwagons. The flared pants bandwagon that I swore I'd never ever ever do, but about 9 months later I had a pair of flared leg jeans with a stripe down the side (I was 14... it was the style in the late 90's/2000). I refused to ever wear skinny jeans because they were so tight and weird. I have tiny ankles and thought they would make my feet look like skis. Now they are what I wear 99% of the time and have since 2007. Skinny pants are made for stick legs. I happen to be the proud owner of a pair of very stick-like legs! It's been a match made in heaven.

I still can't seem to jump on the Ugg boots wagon though. I tried... but the cheap ones look awful, and the expensive ones are too pricey. So I just wear my moccasins. And I'm happy that way.

Lately it's the YOLO bandwagon that I have had a tendency to be annoyed by. I feel like YOLO or You Only Live Once is a way to get away with whatever you want and never have to apologize for hurting yourself or anyone else. I know... I'm such a boring grown up.

Well, today I want to stop being against this bandwagon. I think there might be something to this, when used in the right way. This past year has taught me a lot about life, and how even the healthiest of people can become extremely ill and be counting down the days to their end. I don't want to miss anymore of what seems exhilarating but never "for  me." I'm such an anxious person, that I've never gone cliff jumping, or gone for that huge job that I probably won't get any way, or moved to the other side of the world without a single plan in the works for when I get there. I'm the type that gets a job in a city and pays a down payment on a rental, with money I have saved for a few months in advance, before moving.

My mom's cancer has made me feel like I need to be more brave, less cautious, and just go for the gold. I still don't think I want to go sky diving with my husband, but there's a little time to work up to that one.

So today I took a baby step. I was at the grocery store picking up some lunch, and there was an awesome chicken salad snack bowl that had slices of cheese on the side. I started drooling like a Pavlovian dog, and I thought to myself, "I have been craving cheese for weeks but really shouldn't eat it since it hurts my stomach and I've been so good. Just walk away from it Lana." Then I turned and walked away from it.

I didn't get very far before the YOLO shoulder angel popped up and said, "Lana YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Eat the effing cheese and smile through the gas and cramps later!" (In case you're wondering, the YOLO fairy doesn't swear unless it's for something bigger than cheese.)

So I thought... YEAH. YOLO. YOLO!!!!! And I went and bought the dang thing, and ate it and LOVED IT. Sure my stomach hurts now and I am sitting here thinking... SCREW YOU CHEDDAR CHEESE, and screw your amazing delectability! But... at least I got to enjoy me some cheddar cheese for the first time since September.

I think tomorrow I might just go to Animal Ark and hold a tarantula. Or maybe I'll tattoo a picture of my family on my arms and then join a fight club.

Or maybe I'll just throw caution to the wind completely and show up to work at noon without calling in first.
YOLO, EMPLOYER. YOLO.

The possibilities really are endless!

What I'm really getting at is, I have nothing to fear but a life unlived. So... what should I do with all this time since I never know how much I have?

I've had a heavy heart for most of this year. I'm very thankful for the moments that I don't feel it. When my beautiful, talented, loved by all, amazing mother gets diagnosed with a stage 4 brain cancer almost out of nowhere, it's really hard to feel anything but blindsided.

I've had any variation of the following phrases said to me over the past 7 months:

"She's the only one strong enough to handle something like that, she'll come out on top."
"She needs to do A and B and she will beat it, chemo and radiation aren't really the only option." (Oh really? Tell me more about how you beat brain cancer by eating citrus...)
"Just have MORE faith and God will heal her."
"I don't know how you guys handle that, I never would be able to." (I used to say this to myself before all this too.)
"I'm really sorry, just keep your chin up, all will be well."
"That is really hard, I'm really sorry."

I think my favorite one is the last one. Because the truth is, this really, really, REALLY sucks. I've never seen my mom in so much pain. I've never seen my stepdad have so much heartache. I've never seen my siblings or myself have to wonder if cancer will win. I've never had to question all of my faith and wonder if the pit in my stomach will ever leave. I've never had to reassure so many people that know my mom that she will be ok, when I have no idea myself. She is loved by so many people in so many places.

The other truths I am learning from this are:

The world doesn't stop turning when someone is given practically a death sentence.
Miracles can and do happen. 
Miracles won't always happen to you when you need them.
People will sometimes forget that you're walking around carrying an invisible bag of bricks and that at anytime you might fall down from the heavy load.
Someone always has it worse than you do. To those people, I say, "I'm very sorry you have to endure what you are."

My friend Katie, the ever amazing therapist-without-a-therapy-degree, was talking to me the other day. I was telling her of some recent declines in my mom's health, and she said simply (but perfectly), "Wow, what are you going to do?"

I thought for a minute and said, "I guess my only option is to continue on with life. Because I could lay down and be depressed and give up and die, but I'm really healthy and that would be a long, tedious, boring process."

That's a truth of it though. I could let hardship take me down and destroy me, or I could live the rest of my life with my incredibly hilarious husband, our ever-cuddly orange tabby, and whoever else blesses our lives with their presence. I will just have to power through the hardships.

The final truth is, the only thing we can do is persevere. Life will break us down to the very lowest it can, but if we remain when we want to give up, we will eventually see we can do the things we thought we couldn't. It's ok to admit our burden is at times more than we have the strength to carry. That time will come to each of us, that is why we have relationships at all in this life. We are each others' helpmates.

It seems anymore that plans are meant to be demolished with the world's largest wrecking ball. Justin and I left work early last Friday to head down to visit my mom only to be thwarted 5 minutes before arrival at her house. My stepdad called to say she needed to go up to her doctor's office which is 4 hours away from their home and would possibly be staying at the hospital for several days and if we were close, he'd wait to leave until we got there. (This hospital is 40 minutes from our house). We made it just in time to say goodbye and have them leave back in the direction we came from.

Justin and I spent some time cleaning up their house for them and then headed to visit his parents and stay there for the night after just driving the length of the state of Utah. The next afternoon we headed back to our home to get a good night's sleep in our own bed.

Just as we were getting close to home, one of our tires felt wobbly, and we had to pull off the road to check it. A lug nut was missing, and it felt like some were loose. We had just bought new tires a few days before and were pretty frustrated that the guy hadn't screwed our tire on properly, and we could've been in a serious accident. Thankfully, we were close enough to home that we could take city streets home and not be stuck driving on the 80mph roads we were on before.

We got home, and decided to take the car back into the tire store to have them check all the tires and make sure they were secure. The only problem is, it was the weekend and nothing was open in the morning since it was Sunday.  We have two vehicles, but one is not registered because we're selling it. We didn't want to drive the car with the loose wheel up to the hospital on Sunday to see my mom, but we needed to get up there to see her. Also, apparently the train from our area to the hospital where she was doesn't run on Sundays. THANKS FRONTRUNNER. We decided we would just drive the unregistered truck and hope and pray that no one in a police car would notice.

Luckily, we made it up there and back with no further problems (or traffic tickets) and my mom was improving quite nicely from where she was on Friday when they  left. We took the car into the tire place today and they fixed it as well, without making us pay for any further work.

While I didn't get my weekend with my mom that I've been trying to have for over a month... I did get an afternoon with her, and I will have to be grateful for that right now.

I swear life is destined to demolish any plans we make. I think its sole goal is to teach us to laugh and roll with things. Although, after all the madness, I just want to crawl into my bed and take a long Autumn nap. I'm tired of rolling with things, but is there really another option?

It wasn't all a bust though. Justin got a sleeve tattoo from our seven year old niece. See for yourself.

I'm obsessed with art lately. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Someone, please stop me from looking at the Society6 site. I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF.

Here are a few of my most recent discoveries on there. (Click the art piece name to see the artists' gallery/store.)

Bill Murray - by replaceface

Tonari no Totoro - by Victor Vercesi

Pulp Street - by Beery Method

Moon Flight - by rubbishmonkey

It was so windy in this picture that it looks like I'm in a 1970's jumpsuit instead of my wedding dress.  I SO VERY MUCH LOVE BAD PHOTOS OF US! (this photo has nothing to do with this post, by the way)