Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

Journal Series:

Monday, January 27, 2014.

I sit here tonight from the comfort of my bed and it's only 8:45 PM. Sometimes you just need to wrap up in your cozy blankets, turn on some Bob Dylan and write. I am so thankful for the life I have right now. I am blessed with so many things that I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have. But... as most extroverts do, I will try.

Sometimes life gets routine, day in and day out, same old story and it can feel like you're just passing time without really living. However, if you look at each day, and really look, you will see the good in it all. I got this lesson from my new favorite movie - About Time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The biggest lesson in the movie is this: Live each day as if you're going back to it and living it on purpose.

Today I really thought about this. It was a typical Monday at work, super hard to wake up because my bed is the most comfortable bed on the planet. I didn't sleep that well because my big, orange cat woke me up at about 4 AM. He was in the middle of convulsing off the side of our bed. The weird thing was, whose cat is smart enough to lean OFF the bed to puke? I swear I have the two smartest cats in the world living in my house. The little white one? He can meow back when you sing to him. He can also bring you his mouse and drop it at your feet when he wants to play.

So, I shoved Mr. Spewer off the bed and let him out of the room so he could go puke outside. Then I had to clean it up. He never pukes, that was a super weird thing to have happen. He's usually just a little cuddle bug all night.

Anyway, Monday was as it always is at work... everything I wanted to get done got shoved to the side so I could get everything else that went crazy done instead. I finished up work and left with Justin. I'm so grateful we work in such close proximity so we can share one car and really save money for our dreams.

Then, when we got home I cooked a fantastic simple meal, and we had a mini-marathon of That 70's Show on Netflix and laughed our heads off while sprawling out on our couch, each of us to an end with our feet crammed in the middle. Then afterward, Justin chased the two cats around the house. The little, white one chasing his mouse and leaping like he was on a springboard. The big, orange one playing tag with Justin from room to room.

My life is sweet and blissful. I am so lucky that I get to live it. I love my little family. Nothing makes me feel better than laughter and peace. I'm lucky that I get to have this right now. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to my God and to the universe tonight for allowing me to have these moments. I am happy.

Good night, and sweet dreams. (If it's day time when you read this, I hope your day is filled with every thing/person you love and hope for.)

http://carlbakerlandscaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/wildflower-meadow.jpg

Tonight I feel very reflective, contemplative, inquisitive and explorative. I know, it's a lot. This happens on occasion. I've been thinking a lot about what makes each of us important, valuable, beautiful, and of great worth?

Is it our religious beliefs or lack thereof? Is it our talents, or lack thereof? Is it our ability to work hard, or not work at all? Is it having this hair style and these clothes, or not caring at all what anyone is wearing or who made what? Is it saying these things, or saying what you're not supposed to?

I think a lot about this lately, and I can only answer those questions this way... you are important because you are. You are valuable because you are.
You are.

I wonder often how my mom feels when she looks in the mirror and doesn't see the person she has known, but sees a new form of herself she never expected to see. Hairless, fatigued, and whatever else she feels. But that's not her... she is the strongest person I know and every time I see or think of her, I am reminded of what amazing stock I came from. Her life is what makes her, well, her. Your life is what makes you, well, you.

Sometimes it seems as if our world is designed to wreck us, but there are so many beautiful things out there that can keep that from happening. One of my favorite quotes that I've had since I was 16 (that wretched time of life when fitting in is all that seems to matter) was perfectly said by E. E. Cummings:

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you like everyone else, is the hardest battle you can fight--never stop fighting."

This couldn't be more relevant to me than it is now. I know this is the transcendentalist in me talking, but I don't see the point in being another way. People are all inherently good, some have just forgotten their value, or how to be the good that they were.  There are so many different types of people in this world, and when I stop and think about all the cultures, and appearances, and colors, and dialects... it all just makes me feel grateful. Grateful that I can be here with the opportunity to experience all of this beautiful diversity. We are all valuable because we were all created, every single one of us.

Who can really say whether art isn't art? Therefore, who can really say whether beauty isn't beauty or whether something isn't valuable?

Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from: http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.

Sometimes I wonder if people feel things the same way I do. Sometimes I wonder if all we really need is just to walk around and hug people, or put our hands on their shoulder and say, "Hey, whatever it is, you're not alone." I wish someone would do that to me. Or even better, I wish everyone I know would line up and just give me hugs one by one for the next 24 hours.

It is so hard to watch the people I love go through hard things. I can't imagine even trying to help others that I don't even know.

Watching my mom go through what she has been given to endure, is just heart wrenching. She is as strong as God makes a person. But hearing her admit that this is something she wasn't prepared for and that it's probably the sickest she's ever been breaks my heart. Then there's everyone in our family. All of us carry our own heavy weight as well because our mother/wife/grandma/aunt/sister/daughter/niece/cousin is in pain.

You know, sometimes I feel guilty about going through my everyday as if it's just a normal day, and as if my mom is just fine and that she doesn't have cancer and isn't miserable. I know that is the only way we can really continue on when hardships come, and that is one lesson my mom has taught me with her ever steadfast example. She never blinks when adversity stares her in the face. The tears may come, and she may fall to her knees, but she never blinks. She is a fierce contender for the adversary. I know he knows it.

That is why I have the world's best mom, you guys. 

I'm just sitting here feeling heavy hearted tonight as she battles feeling the most sick she ever has. Right now I wish I had a month off of work to go stay with her and help her get back to healthy. She is done with her treatments for a while, but the effects take a while to subside, and they are really in full force right now.

My cousin did a beautiful thing this week, she cut off all her hair in support of my mom's hair loss from radiation. I am so grateful for beautiful people in this world. I am surrounded by the loveliest of people, that all have big hearts, and selfless attitudes.

It's weird, I'll be just fine for days and weeks, and then I'll have a day where I have to go sit in the bathroom stall at work, and do some anxiety breathing to avoid a cry-fest. I did that today. Sometimes I just want to stand up and scream, "THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!" and get up and leave work and just take a vacation until everything gets better. But the truth is, this is life. Sometimes you're covered in mud and you just have to keep going even with the mud all over you. But, I remember being a kid and playing in mud was fun.

Adult mud sucks.

So, thanks for reading my depressing post. If you see me, give me a big hug, ok? I'll be ok. I think I just need to go to sleep.

So... Tuesday I turned 29. WOW... I am almost 30! It's super crazy to think about. My husband took great care of me, throwing me a barbecue (my favorite birthday activity) and cooking for everyone. He also got me some running gear, like shoes, a water belt and a hat! I have to say, my first birthday married to him was a huge success. I'm so grateful for him!

Birthday pie is far better than birthday cake, or any type of cake.

As many bloggers do around their birthdays, I will be doing a post about 29 things I've learned in my 29 years here on earth. So here goes...

1. I've learned that friends come and go, but the real ones won't care how much distance or time has been put between our last conversation or meeting, they will always be there for me just like they were before.

2. Sometimes I get to a point in life where I have done what I can in a place, and soon I'll need to get out and explore again to feel a fire start inside of me. That is why cars were invented... so I can move around!

3. I can qualify by myself to buy a nice comfortable small house, I'm legit y'all.

4. Two opinionated headstrong people can live together and be just fine. They just have to make sure they communicate.

5. Cleaning the house and making dinner before my husband gets home on his busy weekends isn't anti-feminist, it's pro-love and makes him feel awesome. Which makes me feel awesome.

6. Candy really isn't good, you can actually grow to crave cucumber slices over a snickers.

7. I have GOT to be more pro-active in my health.

8. When you're married, you share all illnesses.

9. Cancer is no respecter of persons. Who cancer wants, cancer will take.

10. Boys use a LOT of toilet paper.

11. Cooking my own food provides the best results, every time.

12. I never know what I can handle until I have to live through it. Then, there I am, handling it better than I ever imagined I could, or handling something I didn't think I ever would be able to stand.

13. When I was younger, if something didn't reward me directly I didn't like it or want it. Now what makes me happy is still my own successes, but also seeing everyone I love succeed.

14. The design of college needs to be rethought. It is functional, but it is mostly a business. There is something missing that would make it truly great. If I could pinpoint that one thing, I'd start selling my idea to them.

15. I can grow plants from seeds.

16. Not every one wants friends... still boggles my mind.

17. Cats and dogs have souls. My cat looks me directly in the eye and puts his forehead on my cheek when I have been super kind and caring toward him all day. Probably the single most adorable thing to ever happen to me.

18. I'm not ready yet to be a mom, but I can see it happening someday. It would be cool to see someone you made grow into an awesome human.

19. People often want to complain about the messes they're in, but they never want advice... they just want to keep complaining until they decide to do something about it themselves. We are all guilty of this.

20. Even when I turn my back on people, they can surprise me for good. We just have to be wise about who we let back in when this happens. Some surprises are permanent changes. Some are just short-lived.

21. Laughter picks up even the worst days. My mom can suddenly find out she has a brain tumor, and have to have her brain cut into, and have to go through chemo and radiation and lose all her hair and be sicker than she ever has in her life, but every few days, my husband and I can have silly moments that make me laugh until I cry, and can't breathe. Because of this, I can find myself strong enough to go on with life and continue feeling hopeful.

22. God never leaves me. He is the hope in my heart, and the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

23. Even if I stop making art for 10 years, my mind will remember what my hands forgot. I just have to be patient and help my hands remember.

24. Running is power.

25. If we could look into the souls of every person, we would never hurt anyone. There is beauty in everyone, some people just don't know how to show theirs... yet. Some people just need to learn how to look for it.

26. Everyone can teach you something. Even if they are 2 years old and you are 80. You just have to be open to learning.

27. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

28. Everyone is walking around with baggage... no one is baggage free, some just have learned how to carry it properly. If we could all see what God has asked each other to carry, we would understand where people are coming from.

29. I owe myself success.

Well, there you have it! That's not all I've learned, but those are the 29 that come to mind this morning. I'm loving this morning to myself thing. I am working a night shift tonight because of some work I have to do, so I fully intend to make the most of my beloved daytime hours! I think a jog in my new birthday running shoes is on the agenda before I head to the office. Have a great day everyone. Why don't you share with me some things you've learned? I would love to hear from you.