Sunday March 16th - A perfect day. Here's why.

Started the day with a homemade breakfast by my mother-in-law. Went on a two-mile walk with Justin and two of his siblings through the hills behind his parents' house. Went to the park with my brothers, their kids, and my parents. Got my mom out in the sunshine, got her to exercise a little bit, and had a blast with my family. We all needed the fresh air. Spring always makes me feel alive again. This day is one that will stay in my memory forever. I love this woman with all of my heart. She is a champion.

Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

I like to spend time on the TED.com website every now and then. I chose to watch videos under the "courageous" section tonight and I found this.



I felt like sharing this because I have friends and family who are, or have been, in a relationship like this. Maybe not as violent, maybe more violent. I feel it is a very important subject that should never be taboo.

So... Why do women stay?

I have never been physically abused by a person who I was dating or related to. But, I have been emotionally abused. I used to say, "I would never stay if I was treated like that." But the truth is... I was, and the truth is, I stayed for 2 years. I have friends and family who have been physically beaten by the person that swore to love them.  I may have friends who are too wrapped up in "crazy love" to realize what is happening to them yet, or some that can't tell anyone yet but ache to be relieved of this burden.

One of my friends opened up to me a while ago about their violent marriage, and aside from being shocked because I knew them both fairly well, I felt like a terrible friend for never seeing any signs and helping them earlier. The truth is, this is more common than some of us think. And friends, if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I will not judge you, or think you are weak. But I will listen and try to help you get out.

I, thankfully, got out and found that I was worthy of kind, good, loving men. My husband is strong, and can fight a good fight with the best of them, but he would NEVER abuse me in any way. I am so grateful to know that he is my protector, and that I am safe with him emotionally and physically. I hope that we can all find that.

Nobody deserves to be battered.

So... I know I kept saying I would let you all know what's been keeping me so busy the past few weeks. Well, here it is!

(Drumroll, please.)


I had posted earlier this year about houses we were offering on and I just got sick of having to tell people we walked away from the house or we didn't get our offer accepted. So I kept my lips sealed about this one (except to my mom and girlfriends, of course). I'm happy to say as of August 1 we own this beauty. It's been a crazy week between one of the busiest weeks I've had at my job, trying to close on the home, Justin having his drill weekend, packing things and moving things, I am sufficiently sore and tired.

BUT SO HAPPY.

So far all we've set up is our kitchen, and half of the master bedroom, and half of one of the bathrooms. I plan to spend most of today slowly unpacking the rest of our bedroom stuff, and going back to our rental to do my laundry. I just love having a space that is all ours and with room to stretch our legs. Last night we raided Home Depot for a few things like new shower heads and paint testers. I am so excited to paint. You'll see why when you look at the pictures below.

Once we get the whole house set up, I'll take pictures of the place. But, I regret to inform you it will take a month or so to get it all setup. We have a very busy month ahead of us!

Enjoy the pictures below! It's a photo dump of some of my week on Instagram. (Sorry, if you follow me on Instagram, these will not be new to you.)

Our new front porch. This was right after we got our keys. We just went in, checked out the whole house and laid on the living room floor, chatting about all our dreams for the place. One of the funnest days of our marriage so far.

Our spare bedrooms. The previous owners had little girls. We will be painting over these delightful colors ASAP.

The only organized thing in our kitchen as of yesterday morning. Luckily last night I fixed that. Having a working kitchen is definitely making this drawn out move feel better today.

One of many car loads. When I lived with roommates it only took one day and 1.5 car loads to move all my stuff. This is definitely a bigger job. We also have only had a tiny bit of time everyday to actually move our stuff. I will be so excited when we are all settled in!

http://carlbakerlandscaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/wildflower-meadow.jpg

Tonight I feel very reflective, contemplative, inquisitive and explorative. I know, it's a lot. This happens on occasion. I've been thinking a lot about what makes each of us important, valuable, beautiful, and of great worth?

Is it our religious beliefs or lack thereof? Is it our talents, or lack thereof? Is it our ability to work hard, or not work at all? Is it having this hair style and these clothes, or not caring at all what anyone is wearing or who made what? Is it saying these things, or saying what you're not supposed to?

I think a lot about this lately, and I can only answer those questions this way... you are important because you are. You are valuable because you are.
You are.

I wonder often how my mom feels when she looks in the mirror and doesn't see the person she has known, but sees a new form of herself she never expected to see. Hairless, fatigued, and whatever else she feels. But that's not her... she is the strongest person I know and every time I see or think of her, I am reminded of what amazing stock I came from. Her life is what makes her, well, her. Your life is what makes you, well, you.

Sometimes it seems as if our world is designed to wreck us, but there are so many beautiful things out there that can keep that from happening. One of my favorite quotes that I've had since I was 16 (that wretched time of life when fitting in is all that seems to matter) was perfectly said by E. E. Cummings:

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you like everyone else, is the hardest battle you can fight--never stop fighting."

This couldn't be more relevant to me than it is now. I know this is the transcendentalist in me talking, but I don't see the point in being another way. People are all inherently good, some have just forgotten their value, or how to be the good that they were.  There are so many different types of people in this world, and when I stop and think about all the cultures, and appearances, and colors, and dialects... it all just makes me feel grateful. Grateful that I can be here with the opportunity to experience all of this beautiful diversity. We are all valuable because we were all created, every single one of us.

Who can really say whether art isn't art? Therefore, who can really say whether beauty isn't beauty or whether something isn't valuable?

So, Utah is in a bit of a drought and several cities are restricting water usage to prevent from drying up the wells.

Well, this morning as I watched the below video, I think I cried enough tears to fill them back up. This video has been circulating through the Mormon boards on Pinterest. I have been meaning to watch it since Jeffrey R. Holland always knows the right things to say. I am so glad I made time for it this morning. I needed this message more than I can say. I hope that you take the 45 minutes to hear the full message. God loves us, and will help us triumph over our adversities. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's not just hard, it's miserable or scary or agonizing or terrible. I am thankful to know I have help when those times come.

When my mom was about to have her brain surgery in March, I was a bit of a mess. I sought refuge in the scriptures because I have found they calm me down when I feel anxious. During this time, I stumbled upon this scripture:

D&C 121:7-8 "My son [or daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have read and reread this scripture many nights since I found it. It has become one of my favorites through the hardships that come and go. I know that we are never left alone to rot in our own "liberty jails", and that God is with us and will help us triumph over our foes that life brings up. If you have any extra time, please watch the video. I promise you won't regret it.

So, good things are happening. Justin got home from Military duty, which means I no longer have to sleep with all the lights on in the house, a hammer and pepper spray on my nightstand, and I no longer hear the noises our neighbors make when walking through their house (which sounds like they're walking through MY HOUSE... not fun).

My mom keeps getting healthier! Her followup MRI was last week the day before her birthday, and we were all praying it was a good birthday present...

AND IT WAS!!!!! BRAIN SCAN WAS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! 

At a family get together right before her birthday. She looks so beautiful and healthy!

Can I get like 5,000 hallelujah shouts from you guys for this? Now we can all breathe for half the summer until her next one. She is seriously a fighter. I am grateful everyday that she is my mother, and that for her 58th birthday she was given great news! Now she can enjoy her summer, even with a little chemo now and then, and continue to get stronger. She's eating more and more solid food, and using the feeding tube less and less. She even managed to do some housework yesterday. It wasn't easy but it was possible. BIG STEPS people, these big steps are awesome!
You know my post on faith from 2 weeks ago? I can assure you I am still learning what faith can do. I don't know if my prayers were the healing magic for her. I just know that faith is necessary for our survival as people. How on earth would we get through tragedy if we didn't have faith that WE would be ok in the end? Seeing my mom's unwavering faith through this whole mess, and through her whole life has proved to me that we must have faith, there is no other option that will help us.

Thank you for all your help for our family. People are feeding my stepdad and my younger siblings that are at home almost everyday. Our neighbor has taken over the yard work for my parents. My mom usually had an amazing garden and took care of the yard as her hobby, and our kind neighbors have taken over this duty, voluntarily.

Everyone helped me make a "Why Mary is awesome" book for her birthday. She told me yesterday she has read, and reread the book several times and just loves it. So thank you for helping me make that possible for her.

I am grateful right now, for the relief from the stress that has come. For the past 3 months we've all been on edge wondering what would happen. And now I feel sweet relief from the worry. Even if the hard times will come again, I am thankful for this calm time now.

It allows me to stop and enjoy the peaceful sounds of the birds in the trees out my window, the purring of my over-cuddly cat next to me, and the sunshine shining in from my bedroom window onto my bed.

Such a lovely morning.

http://www.dazzlejunction.com/awareness/brain-cancer/brain-cancer-ribbon.png

Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from: http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.

Sometimes I wonder if people feel things the same way I do. Sometimes I wonder if all we really need is just to walk around and hug people, or put our hands on their shoulder and say, "Hey, whatever it is, you're not alone." I wish someone would do that to me. Or even better, I wish everyone I know would line up and just give me hugs one by one for the next 24 hours.

It is so hard to watch the people I love go through hard things. I can't imagine even trying to help others that I don't even know.

Watching my mom go through what she has been given to endure, is just heart wrenching. She is as strong as God makes a person. But hearing her admit that this is something she wasn't prepared for and that it's probably the sickest she's ever been breaks my heart. Then there's everyone in our family. All of us carry our own heavy weight as well because our mother/wife/grandma/aunt/sister/daughter/niece/cousin is in pain.

You know, sometimes I feel guilty about going through my everyday as if it's just a normal day, and as if my mom is just fine and that she doesn't have cancer and isn't miserable. I know that is the only way we can really continue on when hardships come, and that is one lesson my mom has taught me with her ever steadfast example. She never blinks when adversity stares her in the face. The tears may come, and she may fall to her knees, but she never blinks. She is a fierce contender for the adversary. I know he knows it.

That is why I have the world's best mom, you guys. 

I'm just sitting here feeling heavy hearted tonight as she battles feeling the most sick she ever has. Right now I wish I had a month off of work to go stay with her and help her get back to healthy. She is done with her treatments for a while, but the effects take a while to subside, and they are really in full force right now.

My cousin did a beautiful thing this week, she cut off all her hair in support of my mom's hair loss from radiation. I am so grateful for beautiful people in this world. I am surrounded by the loveliest of people, that all have big hearts, and selfless attitudes.

It's weird, I'll be just fine for days and weeks, and then I'll have a day where I have to go sit in the bathroom stall at work, and do some anxiety breathing to avoid a cry-fest. I did that today. Sometimes I just want to stand up and scream, "THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!" and get up and leave work and just take a vacation until everything gets better. But the truth is, this is life. Sometimes you're covered in mud and you just have to keep going even with the mud all over you. But, I remember being a kid and playing in mud was fun.

Adult mud sucks.

So, thanks for reading my depressing post. If you see me, give me a big hug, ok? I'll be ok. I think I just need to go to sleep.

So... Tuesday I turned 29. WOW... I am almost 30! It's super crazy to think about. My husband took great care of me, throwing me a barbecue (my favorite birthday activity) and cooking for everyone. He also got me some running gear, like shoes, a water belt and a hat! I have to say, my first birthday married to him was a huge success. I'm so grateful for him!

Birthday pie is far better than birthday cake, or any type of cake.

As many bloggers do around their birthdays, I will be doing a post about 29 things I've learned in my 29 years here on earth. So here goes...

1. I've learned that friends come and go, but the real ones won't care how much distance or time has been put between our last conversation or meeting, they will always be there for me just like they were before.

2. Sometimes I get to a point in life where I have done what I can in a place, and soon I'll need to get out and explore again to feel a fire start inside of me. That is why cars were invented... so I can move around!

3. I can qualify by myself to buy a nice comfortable small house, I'm legit y'all.

4. Two opinionated headstrong people can live together and be just fine. They just have to make sure they communicate.

5. Cleaning the house and making dinner before my husband gets home on his busy weekends isn't anti-feminist, it's pro-love and makes him feel awesome. Which makes me feel awesome.

6. Candy really isn't good, you can actually grow to crave cucumber slices over a snickers.

7. I have GOT to be more pro-active in my health.

8. When you're married, you share all illnesses.

9. Cancer is no respecter of persons. Who cancer wants, cancer will take.

10. Boys use a LOT of toilet paper.

11. Cooking my own food provides the best results, every time.

12. I never know what I can handle until I have to live through it. Then, there I am, handling it better than I ever imagined I could, or handling something I didn't think I ever would be able to stand.

13. When I was younger, if something didn't reward me directly I didn't like it or want it. Now what makes me happy is still my own successes, but also seeing everyone I love succeed.

14. The design of college needs to be rethought. It is functional, but it is mostly a business. There is something missing that would make it truly great. If I could pinpoint that one thing, I'd start selling my idea to them.

15. I can grow plants from seeds.

16. Not every one wants friends... still boggles my mind.

17. Cats and dogs have souls. My cat looks me directly in the eye and puts his forehead on my cheek when I have been super kind and caring toward him all day. Probably the single most adorable thing to ever happen to me.

18. I'm not ready yet to be a mom, but I can see it happening someday. It would be cool to see someone you made grow into an awesome human.

19. People often want to complain about the messes they're in, but they never want advice... they just want to keep complaining until they decide to do something about it themselves. We are all guilty of this.

20. Even when I turn my back on people, they can surprise me for good. We just have to be wise about who we let back in when this happens. Some surprises are permanent changes. Some are just short-lived.

21. Laughter picks up even the worst days. My mom can suddenly find out she has a brain tumor, and have to have her brain cut into, and have to go through chemo and radiation and lose all her hair and be sicker than she ever has in her life, but every few days, my husband and I can have silly moments that make me laugh until I cry, and can't breathe. Because of this, I can find myself strong enough to go on with life and continue feeling hopeful.

22. God never leaves me. He is the hope in my heart, and the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

23. Even if I stop making art for 10 years, my mind will remember what my hands forgot. I just have to be patient and help my hands remember.

24. Running is power.

25. If we could look into the souls of every person, we would never hurt anyone. There is beauty in everyone, some people just don't know how to show theirs... yet. Some people just need to learn how to look for it.

26. Everyone can teach you something. Even if they are 2 years old and you are 80. You just have to be open to learning.

27. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

28. Everyone is walking around with baggage... no one is baggage free, some just have learned how to carry it properly. If we could all see what God has asked each other to carry, we would understand where people are coming from.

29. I owe myself success.

Well, there you have it! That's not all I've learned, but those are the 29 that come to mind this morning. I'm loving this morning to myself thing. I am working a night shift tonight because of some work I have to do, so I fully intend to make the most of my beloved daytime hours! I think a jog in my new birthday running shoes is on the agenda before I head to the office. Have a great day everyone. Why don't you share with me some things you've learned? I would love to hear from you.

Right before brain surgery

So... my mom only has 2 more weeks of her awful radiation and chemotherapy sessions, and then she gets a much needed break. She'll get to go home and be with our family that are still living there, and be where she belongs and get to rest! It's been hard watching her do the hard thing, and go through treatment. It has been a battle for her for sure, and there are times where I know she feels like quitting because it is a huge burden to bear. Chemotherapy and radiation are killing treatments. They are not designed to make you feel better while doing them. They are designed to kill cancer. My mom is an inspiration, even if she's not trying to be one. She is tough, and driven, and amazing. She is one of a kind, and I thank God everyday for watching over her always.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and help. Thank you for driving her to and from her home each Friday so she can spend 48 hours where she lives before she starts treatment again on Mondays. Thank you for making dinners for my stepdad, and brothers and sister. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your hugs! Thank you for loving my mom, and our family.

These past 2 months I've spent a lot of time in prayer, or contemplation. Justin has helped me through sad days, and I'm so grateful for him. I am so thankful that our Savior, Jesus, atoned for the heartaches of this world, so that I could know I'm never alone in challenges, and that all of those around me are never alone in theirs. It boggles my mind to understand the concept of the atonement, but the more life I live, and the more pain people I love go through, I am ever grateful that someone was willing to say, "Here am I, send me. I will suffer for them."

Cancer is a stupid worthless thing, but it has reminded me of what's truly important, and that is family and loved ones.  I am so grateful to know that while everything else in this life disappears or ends, we never can lose who we are, or who we love. It's such a beautiful design. I'm reminded of the scripture in the New Testament of the Bible, in Matthew 6:19-20,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal, For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I found a song on my playlist of "unlistened to songs" that I go through from time to time. It is by Greg Laswell, the lyrics are sad, but the song is beautiful and has stirred up emotions in me, related to my mom's cancer, the few times I listened to it over the past little while. The first time I heard it was while driving to the hospital to visit her the day before her brain tumor surgery. Needless to say, I ended up in full blown tears. Also, this video I found for it on Youtube is beautiful. Whoever did the animation is a genius.



Let me know what you think of the song, my writing, or anything in general. :)

I've been thinking a lot about passions these days. What do I mean by that? Well, I mean passions in the noun sense of the word. As in, Jeremy has a passion for drawing cartoons. That kind of passion. (I don't know Jeremy, so we'll leave him out of the rest of this post.)

Justin seems to love so many things, and pursue them. He's a very passion-driven person and it's one of the reasons I love him. He is always pursuing some hobby or goal that he wants to. One time when we were dating he asked me directly, "What are you passionate about?"

Friends, this is my most dreaded question. Why?

Because I have no passions.... dun Dun DUN!

I know right? It's awful. I've been sitting here thinking and thinking and thinking. There is not one thing I could spend the rest of my life doing and just know it was where I belonged and I would never change my mind. There is not one thing that tractor beams me into it. That night after we talked about that, I went home and cried. For a few reasons actually... first and foremost, I felt like I was an extremely boring person, which led me to think I must be unattractive because of that, and then I wondered if I was destined to live life unfulfilled?

Ever since then, I've kind of struggled. SO MUCH in this world fascinates me. There are so many topics and hobbies, and skills to learn about and master. How does anyone just choose one and stay there? But, I have racked my brain for months wondering if I am boring because I don't have a passion, or if I just am lazy? Why don't I have one of those things that I've always known I would do? The more I think about it, the more it really sinks in that I must have something wrong with me because I don't have an easy to define, obvious passion... or maybe I just don't have one at all. It has really caused me to have concerns about who I am and what I'm doing here.

I painted this last weekend.

Then, just the other night, I opened up to Justin about this, and he said he'd always known since he was a kid what he wanted to do. This stressed me out even more. I have NEVER KNOWN. He asked me what I said I wanted to be when I was a kid. And you know what? I can't even remember. I just remember thinking, "Whatever I am when I'm grown up, I hope I'm good at it, and successful." What kind of a kid doesn't want to be a pirate or astronaut or president of the United States? Well... me, I guess.

I text messaged my mom today to find out if maybe I just couldn't remember the thing that I said as a kid that I always wanted to be... her response didn't surprise me at all.

"Well, you used to say you wanted to be a ballerina, or a tv reporter, or a writer. You never really stuck at one thing for too long, and kind of moved ideas around the whole time."

There you have it, friends. I was right! This explains why I had 5 majors in college , and even when I was about to graduate with my Bachelor's degree, I thought, "What if I studied this instead?!"

The point is, I've been looking at it all wrong, you guys. I do have a passion. I am passionate about learning! THAT is my passion. I soak information in. I'm always telling Justin, "Hey did you know [insert random fun and interesting fact I learned today]? I just can't help it. It drives him nuts.

I want to do all of these things:
Write a novel
Write a children's book
Work more on my 3 blogs
Learn to paint, if for no one else but me
Sew a massive patchwork quilt out of old clothes
Make more stuffed animals, since I'm a pro
Finish my Etsy stuff
Run a half marathon
Run a few more 5k's (before the halfsies)
Learn to sing better
Write a song on the piano
Learn to reupholster and restore furniture
Become a master chef (again if only for my family and me)
Impact the world for good
Travel the world with my family
Grow a garden that feeds my family
Learn another language fluently

The list goes on and on...

The moral of this story is this: not everybody is a tractor beamer. Some of us really love everything, and you can fascinate me with pretty much anything. I'm just here for the experiences.

What are your passions?

This morning I finished reading a book that somehow I made it out of high school without reading (my high school was in a really small town). On New Year's Day this year, Justin and I went to the place where we first met, the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Orem, Utah. We each bought ourselves a book to read, and the one I selected was The Diary of a Young Girl, by Anne Frank. I am a sucker for WWII stories. I think it's the humanity in them, they were treated as cattle and vermin, yet they were so very human. I will never understand hatred for an entire race of people, or class, or creed.

This book sucked me right in as they all do. She really impressed me with her writings, my journals at her age were all "Oh man, that boy is so cute, I've never liked anyone this much." (SO ANNOYING TO READ THROUGH). But hers have such eloquence, and such maturity of thought. I grew to love her and even though I knew how it ended, I kept desperately wanting and hoping it would end differently. She was such a beautiful person, who lived and breathed who she was. She was wise beyond her years, which I think  happened due to the nature of their situation. To hide out and remain indoors for years would be so difficult. I'm amazed more of her journal didn't dwell on how hard it was. She was still just a teenager during it all, feeling love for the boy whose family was hiding with them; trying to find out who she really was and where she fit in this world. There were several entries that reflected the magnitude of the situation they were in, and what it must've been liked. If she'd been allowed to survive, I think she would've made an even bigger imprint on the world than she has with her death. She was just one of those personalities.

After her journal entries end, and the Afterword starts, my heart just sank this morning. When it talks about the informer for the Gestapo giving up the Frank family, and what happened to them, I started to cry. I have grown to love her through reading her diary. She was so tough through all of it, and was so close to being free. She died in a prison camp less than 2 months before her freedom would've been given to her. At the time she thought all she had in life was gone because she was separated from her father. The rest of her family had already died. The only survivor was her father Otto.

I'm so angry that Nazi's ever existed. Not just because of this book, but because it happened. It boggles my mind, and makes my heart hurt every time I read a story from a survivor or victim of the Holocaust, or think of how it all happened.

How could someone cause so many people to hate and torture others? I know so many of them were scared to not follow Hitler because their fate would be Auschwitz, but I'd like to think that I'd have accepted my fate. At least I'd never have anyone's blood but my own on my hands. I don't think I could live with myself if I had been one of the people responsible for a family's death. I'd rather be in the camp dying with them.

I still can't stop thinking about her, Anne, because she was such a beautiful person, as I'm sure all of the people that lost their lives or were taken to the camps, or hiding, were. In the Afterword, it mentions that their "Secret Annexe" has been preserved so that people can visit and see where the Franks, and their friends stayed for those 2 years before the Gestapo took them. I am putting on my bucket list right now a trip to Amsterdam to see this place. Sure, it will probably be a humbling, hallowing moment in an otherwise fun vacation, but she deserves it. They all deserve to have people fly across the world and pay our respects to what they went through. I am going to make that happen. I need to.

Hatred is a powerful scary emotion. I once dated someone who said he respected Hitler for trying to cleanse the world. If anyone wants his address to punch him in the face, I'd be happy to give it to you. Just say the word. He used to tell me I was so naive to believe that all people are inherently good, and some just get trampled on by life and make awful choices. I am not the one that is naive. It takes courage to love people and to see the good in them, and I choose to follow that path. I promise right now that I will never teach my children to hate, they can learn that on their own if they so choose, but it will not be from me.

I know when I get to heaven, after this life, I'm going to look for Anne Frank. I want to tell her how much I admire her strength.

Have any of you read this book before? What did you think? What are your thoughts on what I wrote?

So tomorrow is a big day for me.
Like REALLY BIG.
HUGE.
MONDOLACIOUSLY LARGE!

Why, do you ask? Well I'm getting married tomorrow. I'm really excited this morning and also calm at the same time. This is weird to me because of one thing. I have had anxiety since I was probably 12. ANYTIME a big event was happening in my life, all hell broke loose in my body and I always had to know where the bathrooms were, and also sometimes I'd tell myself over and over I wasn't equipped for change or big life events. I even one time told myself to enjoy a mellow life because it's all I could handle. BOY WAS I STUPID! With a little work, I barely have problems with anxiousness at all anymore, who knew life could be so easy!

SO... that was a tiny derailment, but I'll work my way back.

We're getting married tomorrow, and we're not just getting married until death do we part. We're getting married in the LDS temple in Draper. This means we're together forever. Do you know how long that is? It's, well... FOREVER!  I think this is pretty cool. It's definitely intimidating. I mean what if I'm a royal pain in the butt and not that awesome? Well... we just have to learn to deal which each other's pains in the butts (does that even make sense? Forgive me, I've got pre-wedding exhaustion brain). Also, we have to actually try to work things out and apologize and be better people, and learn compromise and forgiveness... because if we don't, we have to have permission from basically God himself to breakup. Not that I'm even thinking about it. I'm just explaining to y'all how big of a deal this is. We're two very independent people. And we LOVE having things our own way. Joining together could prove to be challenging! Aside from the magnitude of this decision we're making tomorrow, I still am for the most part cool as a cucumber. That's why I'm excited. Never have I felt this calm about something so big happening to me. That is why I know this is the right thing.

And now for our love story... it's fun. And I happen to think it's one of the cooler love stories out there. Maybe I'm a bit biased, but you can decide for yourself.

We met in high school (stop rolling your eyes... we're both 28 right now and have only been together for 2 years... we're not telling THAT kind of a story...but it's still cool if YOU met your loved one in highschool. Just not as long of a story as ours. Ha!).

He was always skating around on those board things. You know, a skateboard?  And he would do tricks in the air, and then come down on the ground sometimes and break things, mostly his bones. Similar story as my brother, and they were friends with each other. We never really talked in high school. We hung out with similar people, he even went to my house once and I went to his. But neither of us really remember too much about each other other than we existed.

I dated his friend the summer of 2002 before I moved to college, and a big group of us went to the Vans Warped Tour together. There are times on that trip where it was just Justin, me, his friend, and justin's girlfriend all hanging out, AND NEITHER OF US REMEMBER EACH OTHER BEING THERE. We know we were together on that trip though because I took a picture of him with another guy. We have no idea why our brains blocked each other out. But I even have a journal entry of him that summer telling off a girlfriend that had left me hanging for like 7 hours without a ride, and then he and some other friends drove me the 20 miles home.

4 years go by. It's now 2006, and Justin calls my cell phone while I'm living in Orem, UT going to college. He says, "Hi Lana, this is Justin LeFevre, do you know who I am?" I said yes... and what followed was an AWESOME hilarious conversation... (no idea who he got my cell # from. I'd only had it for a year and I didn't keep in touch with high school people).

Over the next 4 years we would talk either on the phone or Facebook chat roughly every 6-8 months. Sometimes one of us would initiate conversation during the other person's super rough times, and we'd just flirt and make each other laugh. He'd mention that he wanted to come up from Southern Utah and take me on a date. But I was seeing other people, or in the middle of the worst parts of my anxiety and would just think that was too much pressure. So we never did.

It wasn't until the first week of October 2010, that we actually went on a date. We'd just started our random chatting again. I was in a place where I'd come through my worst breakup and finally felt happy (that one kind of roughed me up for a long while), and I didn't want a boyfriend. He was getting ready to ship off to military training in a few months so he didn't want a girlfriend. He was living in Salt Lake City so there was no long distance drive pressure. I was planning a trip to Italy and France, so we met up at Barnes and Noble and had a short, hilarious first date while I picked out foreign language conversation books. I've never laughed so much and felt so at ease with someone on a first date. I remember going home and just thinking, "I should've done that date sooner, he is so funny!"

Example of his funny antics: People at Barnes and Noble tend to think that it's a library so no one ever talks with normal voices in the store. It's NOT a library, it's a book STORE. Voices can be used. So Justin went behind a shelf and I had no idea where he was. All the sudden I hear this really loud awkward sounding "Mnuh!" And I knew it was him. I've never laughed so hard at the dumbest things, than when we're hanging out.

So we kept getting together. We'd go walk to a pretty pond covered in fall leaves and just chat, or have a coloring contest (I won), or just hangout. One night I was going to leave at 8pm to go back from SLC to my home in Provo (about 30 miles away), and we started talking on his porch. 4 hours later I finally made myself leave. Every night when we first started seeing each other I'd stay up until 2am chatting with him on Facebook. He was working a graveyard shift but just had to sit there mostly and watch people in a group home sleep. So we would chat half the night about anything and everything. It wasn't long before we knew it was more than just a friendship. The week before he left for 9 months of military duty, we dropped the "I love you" bomb to each other, and I decided to wait for him. He got home toward the end of 2011.

The waiting was awful. (Just like Tom Petty says it is.)

But the letters I have from that time I'll keep forever. We spent so much time on the phone that we learned how to fight over nothing. We were just fighting because we couldn't see each other. That's all it was. We also learned more about each other than we would've had we been together that whole time. Now he's been home from duty for about 10 months, and here we are about to get married.

We have for sure had our ups and downs. This year that he's been back from duty has been a true test of his endurance and mine. He's been home, but anything and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. We're here together though dodging the bullets the universe shoots at us, and our goal is to have a successful marriage. I think we'll be just fine. We made it through so much adversity to this point that we already know what that's like. A lot of people get married before all the adversity hits, and they experience it later wondering how they'll be able to handle it with that person. We already know. So I guess you could consider us the lucky ones.

Wish us luck for tomorrow. And pray for sunshine, and for us to just have a great easy day!
Here are some photos... to go with this post.