Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

I've been thinking a lot about direction and paths lately. I know that we often don't end up originally where we thought we would, or even when we thought we would get there. I'm ok with that. However I would like to achieve the dreams I've set out for myself.

How do we make the big scary things happen to us? I don't mean bad things when I say this. I mean, the big amazingly wonderful, scary to achieve, hard to reach goals. You know?

The kind that require you to step off the cliff and pray that the bridge you cannot see, but must believe is there... is really there. I mean how do we know it's really there? What if it's only 2 inches wide, and I step in the wrong direction? What if I fall and everyone laughs and says, "oops there goes another failure!"

Fear of failure kills me. I have yet to fail at anything I really try at. I always somehow find the 2 inch wide invisible bridge, and after a few steps, I can RUN across this thing and make it to my dream.

Found in a google image search, totally fits, right?

Guys, I have some really big dreams, that right now seem impossible, or unrealistic. But my heart drifts to them almost daily lately.

I've really got to take the leap of faith. HOW ON EARTH CAN I DO THIS?

I feel like I need to really focus on this, and figure out how this always-prepared-before-she-jumps kind of girl can be risky.

First steps first... make a plan or talk about what is hard. SO I need to answer these questions:

1. What is it I want to achieve?
2. What are the basic steps to get there?
3. What are the even more basic steps to get to STEP 1 OF MY PLAN?

So... for the next little bit I will be focusing on Step 1, and how to get there!

Wish me luck! I can do this, right?

I can't ever say enough how much I love spending time with strong women. I am a lucky girl because I happen to know so many. I was lucky enough to get not one, but TWO of my closest girlfriends in town at the same time during New Year's holiday time. I miss them so much, and I really never get sick of just sitting and talking for hours about EVERYTHING. These girls take me as I am, and encourage me to be bold. I am ever so grateful for their friendship. I only wish they didn't move several states away!

Last weekend I had the pleasure of having brunch with several of my other girlfriends in this area. I'm so grateful I went. They really do boost my self-esteem when I go. I just feel like I can be as strong as I want to be when I am around these girls. Nothing should ever break our spirits, but life has a way of beating us down sometimes. Being around strong women has a way of empowering me again, and reminding me that I, too, can do whatever I want to do, and be bold and go for the life I want, regardless of the time it will take to get there.

I love this feeling. Right now I feel strong, and empowered. Such a great way to feel after hanging out with people. That's how you know you are in the presence of good people-- when you come away feeling positive and motivated.

I'm so thankful for moments like this, when I feel stronger than I thought I was yesterday, and when I am able to pull up my bootstraps and get going! Be prepared for some feminist posts to come!