Justin and I like to have fun. Sometimes we go on double dates, twice in one day.

This weekend we went to lunch with my life-long girlfriend and her husband.  After we parted ways we met up with another two couples and went bowling.  I don't think I'm a pro-bowler by any means, but I'm not a terrible one either.

I was very nearly the champion until a couple people decided to pull some fast ones and stop getting gutter balls and instead bowl strikes. I thought this would be the first time I ever got to win at bowling, and I was going to beat 5 other people! Sadly, victory was not mine.

I do have to say though, Justin was by far the coolest guy at Miracle Bowl. He brought his own pink camouflage bowling ball.

Yep, that's my husband. I love this guy beyond anything I can ever explain. We have the best time, even if we're just cleaning our whole house. Which is what we did today. I'm so thankful that I get to wake up every day next to him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him.

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

I can't ever say enough how much I love spending time with strong women. I am a lucky girl because I happen to know so many. I was lucky enough to get not one, but TWO of my closest girlfriends in town at the same time during New Year's holiday time. I miss them so much, and I really never get sick of just sitting and talking for hours about EVERYTHING. These girls take me as I am, and encourage me to be bold. I am ever so grateful for their friendship. I only wish they didn't move several states away!

Last weekend I had the pleasure of having brunch with several of my other girlfriends in this area. I'm so grateful I went. They really do boost my self-esteem when I go. I just feel like I can be as strong as I want to be when I am around these girls. Nothing should ever break our spirits, but life has a way of beating us down sometimes. Being around strong women has a way of empowering me again, and reminding me that I, too, can do whatever I want to do, and be bold and go for the life I want, regardless of the time it will take to get there.

I love this feeling. Right now I feel strong, and empowered. Such a great way to feel after hanging out with people. That's how you know you are in the presence of good people-- when you come away feeling positive and motivated.

I'm so thankful for moments like this, when I feel stronger than I thought I was yesterday, and when I am able to pull up my bootstraps and get going! Be prepared for some feminist posts to come!

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

I have an issue with the media lately... again. Or maybe I grew up.

Here's why:

Found this on HM.com

This girl is beautiful, and she probably has a killer, silly personality. But marketing and media don't let that show. Right now I don't want to be this girl, I want nothing to do with her. She looks timid, and unsure of herself, and I don't want to feel that way if I wear what she's wearing. Everywhere I go lately the models in catalogs and in advertisements look like they aren't real. If you want me to buy your products and wear your clothes, you have got to show me that doing so makes my life amazing.

What I want to see is a woman posed in an outfit as if she's in her regular life. I want to see her doing something mundane and looking fabulous in regular clothes. I will never wear stiletto heels  and a crop top to grocery shop, or get my mail. I work in an office, not a club. Can we please see real women doing real woman things?

I tried to find an advertisement that showed a realistic situation, that is really positive and the woman looks great. But I can't. You cannot feign confidence and happiness. You cannot fake love.

You can't fake this:

There seems to be an unspoken rule among women that you're not supposed to know you have a great body, or that you're skinny, or that you think you're pretty. It's like we're all supposed to join together and hate our bodies, but if someone compliments us on how we look thinner, we're supposed to feel AMAZING! It's weird. What if I know I'm skinny already?

I've been a twig my whole life. My mom has been a twig her whole life. My grandma has too. I come from a long line of twigs. Still don't believe me? Go look at my little brothers. One is 6'7" and is lean and hipster looking. (He has luscious shoulder length hair that accentuates his cheek bones. The girls at his high school must be piles of goo when he walks by.)

Here are a few of my favorite (read: annoying) things that have happened in relation to my weight:

I was emailed once through Facebook by a girl in my church. She had been suffering from bulimia, and was positive I was anorexic because I'm very thin. She told me if I ever wanted to talk to her about my eating disorder, she would be all ears because she understood. HAHAHA... thanks for the help, girlfriend.

A boy entering my apartment with his friends sees me walk into the room, "Whoa, do you eat... ever?"
No, I'm the only person alive who doesn't need food to survive. I'm a magical unicorn of sorts. Here, take a picture with me so you can tell all your friends!

A former boss said to me one day while in his office, "Hey, you look like a concentration camp victim." And then laughed. That one actually got to me. I went to lunch, called my mom and bawled. That is not a compliment sir, you said I look like a walking corpse. SO not a compliment.

The list of these goes on and on. I thought being skinny is what every girl wants? Why is it so weird to people then when they see someone thin?

The truth is, there's a lot of things that keep me skinny. When I'm emotionally stressed, I'm not hungry. So if I ever go through something hard, I drop 10-15 pounds over about 6 months. It usually takes me the following year or two to put those damn pounds back on, so I'm never happy about the weight I lost. The other truth is, my genetics are small-boned, tall, lean frames. Even when I do gain weight, I'm still a size 3.

I think it would be so much better if people really could accept everyone regardless of size. Larger people want to be accepted for their weight and shape. Why can't people accept tiny, skinny people?

Here's what's happening in my head now... I no longer care if I look skinny. There are outfits that I used to avoid because they elongated my figure or made me look flatter chested. There are hairstyles I avoided because they made my cheekbones more pronounced and you could see my long thin neck. I just don't care anymore. I am a twig-like female. I'm actually really grateful for this twiggy frame I've been given. It's come in handy if I ever needed to squeeze through a fence! It's also come in handy because it's healthy. I am a healthy, happy, human being, and I love myself more and more the older I get. I even embraced my natural dirty blond hair color this year. THAT is confidence, kids.

I'm not posting this to brag, or to say my life has been hard as a thin person. I'm just posting it because I don't care anymore what anyone thinks.

Hi, My name is Lana and I'm naturally skinny. I can eat carbs all day and not get fat.

And I like it.

But that's not all that defines me... in fact I prefer not to define myself by my size. I prefer to define myself by my talents and what I have to offer the world.

I find that the older I get the less I make new really close friends. I don't say this to be a downer, I've actually been contemplating this fact for the past couple of years. This post is not so much a "poor me, my friends all live far away" as it is a "what is the method for finding friends in my phase of life?". When we're young, friends basically fall into our laps.

Here's a timeline of sorts to help illustrate my idea:

Birth to 4 years old: whoever is in your neighborhood, is instantly a part of the club. Also, cousins, siblings and other short people will do.

Kindergarten-6th grade: Look to your left, look to your right. The girl sitting in the desk at either of those directions will most likely end up being your best friend. Move to a new group of desks? Repeat this process all over again. Easy peasy.

7th-12th grade: repeat the steps from elementary school. Also whoever joins any similar activities to you will also be a buddy. Occasionally you have to find a new circle because teenage girls are chock full of insane hormones and tend to get really mean and exclusive... but this can easily be done as you now have several classes a day instead of just one group of kids all day. No more friends in first period? Try second period in 30 minutes!

COLLEGE: Anywhere you go, just ask someone your age what kind of music they like, or favorite movies... and BAM INSTANT FRIENDSHIP FOREVER! Another instant friendship is often the 'college roomie' situation. These two types of friendships also tend to be tightened and strengthened by helping each other deal with weird roommates, boy drama, and dance parties! If there's any random crazy fun to be had, you'll have it.


Current situation: Late 20's, early 30's. I have a tight group of friends that I consider my very close best friends. I'm watching them become moms to their first, second and third children. We've got years of life behind us together, and we know each other's families, and each other's secrets. We'd never hold back the truth from each other even if it hurts because we know we are supposed to help each other. We are like sisters. Every time we talk or see each other life picks up right where it left off, with a LOT of chatting of course to catch up. We are scattered all over the world, and it doesn't matter. Some of us are married, some are not. Some are moms, some are not. But we are all in life together, and will always be there for each other even though there are now thousands of miles and even an ocean between some of us.

So how do we make new friends in this station in life? I feel like it's much harder to find new close friends now that I'm in this phase. It used to be "I NEED A SOCIAL LIFE SO I WILL TALK TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE." I had a lot of friends that were good and bad for me, and the more I get older and more responsible with my life, I find that I need just to keep the ones around that are good for me and I can easily let most people go with ease. I am able to talk to most people, but I rarely now form lasting bonds with anyone new. I'd like to challenge myself to find a new friend in the next 12 months that I have a lasting, deep friendship with.

So, who wants to hang out?
I have treats... and a kitten.

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

I like to spend time on the TED.com website every now and then. I chose to watch videos under the "courageous" section tonight and I found this.



I felt like sharing this because I have friends and family who are, or have been, in a relationship like this. Maybe not as violent, maybe more violent. I feel it is a very important subject that should never be taboo.

So... Why do women stay?

I have never been physically abused by a person who I was dating or related to. But, I have been emotionally abused. I used to say, "I would never stay if I was treated like that." But the truth is... I was, and the truth is, I stayed for 2 years. I have friends and family who have been physically beaten by the person that swore to love them.  I may have friends who are too wrapped up in "crazy love" to realize what is happening to them yet, or some that can't tell anyone yet but ache to be relieved of this burden.

One of my friends opened up to me a while ago about their violent marriage, and aside from being shocked because I knew them both fairly well, I felt like a terrible friend for never seeing any signs and helping them earlier. The truth is, this is more common than some of us think. And friends, if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I will not judge you, or think you are weak. But I will listen and try to help you get out.

I, thankfully, got out and found that I was worthy of kind, good, loving men. My husband is strong, and can fight a good fight with the best of them, but he would NEVER abuse me in any way. I am so grateful to know that he is my protector, and that I am safe with him emotionally and physically. I hope that we can all find that.

Nobody deserves to be battered.

So... Tuesday I turned 29. WOW... I am almost 30! It's super crazy to think about. My husband took great care of me, throwing me a barbecue (my favorite birthday activity) and cooking for everyone. He also got me some running gear, like shoes, a water belt and a hat! I have to say, my first birthday married to him was a huge success. I'm so grateful for him!

Birthday pie is far better than birthday cake, or any type of cake.

As many bloggers do around their birthdays, I will be doing a post about 29 things I've learned in my 29 years here on earth. So here goes...

1. I've learned that friends come and go, but the real ones won't care how much distance or time has been put between our last conversation or meeting, they will always be there for me just like they were before.

2. Sometimes I get to a point in life where I have done what I can in a place, and soon I'll need to get out and explore again to feel a fire start inside of me. That is why cars were invented... so I can move around!

3. I can qualify by myself to buy a nice comfortable small house, I'm legit y'all.

4. Two opinionated headstrong people can live together and be just fine. They just have to make sure they communicate.

5. Cleaning the house and making dinner before my husband gets home on his busy weekends isn't anti-feminist, it's pro-love and makes him feel awesome. Which makes me feel awesome.

6. Candy really isn't good, you can actually grow to crave cucumber slices over a snickers.

7. I have GOT to be more pro-active in my health.

8. When you're married, you share all illnesses.

9. Cancer is no respecter of persons. Who cancer wants, cancer will take.

10. Boys use a LOT of toilet paper.

11. Cooking my own food provides the best results, every time.

12. I never know what I can handle until I have to live through it. Then, there I am, handling it better than I ever imagined I could, or handling something I didn't think I ever would be able to stand.

13. When I was younger, if something didn't reward me directly I didn't like it or want it. Now what makes me happy is still my own successes, but also seeing everyone I love succeed.

14. The design of college needs to be rethought. It is functional, but it is mostly a business. There is something missing that would make it truly great. If I could pinpoint that one thing, I'd start selling my idea to them.

15. I can grow plants from seeds.

16. Not every one wants friends... still boggles my mind.

17. Cats and dogs have souls. My cat looks me directly in the eye and puts his forehead on my cheek when I have been super kind and caring toward him all day. Probably the single most adorable thing to ever happen to me.

18. I'm not ready yet to be a mom, but I can see it happening someday. It would be cool to see someone you made grow into an awesome human.

19. People often want to complain about the messes they're in, but they never want advice... they just want to keep complaining until they decide to do something about it themselves. We are all guilty of this.

20. Even when I turn my back on people, they can surprise me for good. We just have to be wise about who we let back in when this happens. Some surprises are permanent changes. Some are just short-lived.

21. Laughter picks up even the worst days. My mom can suddenly find out she has a brain tumor, and have to have her brain cut into, and have to go through chemo and radiation and lose all her hair and be sicker than she ever has in her life, but every few days, my husband and I can have silly moments that make me laugh until I cry, and can't breathe. Because of this, I can find myself strong enough to go on with life and continue feeling hopeful.

22. God never leaves me. He is the hope in my heart, and the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

23. Even if I stop making art for 10 years, my mind will remember what my hands forgot. I just have to be patient and help my hands remember.

24. Running is power.

25. If we could look into the souls of every person, we would never hurt anyone. There is beauty in everyone, some people just don't know how to show theirs... yet. Some people just need to learn how to look for it.

26. Everyone can teach you something. Even if they are 2 years old and you are 80. You just have to be open to learning.

27. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

28. Everyone is walking around with baggage... no one is baggage free, some just have learned how to carry it properly. If we could all see what God has asked each other to carry, we would understand where people are coming from.

29. I owe myself success.

Well, there you have it! That's not all I've learned, but those are the 29 that come to mind this morning. I'm loving this morning to myself thing. I am working a night shift tonight because of some work I have to do, so I fully intend to make the most of my beloved daytime hours! I think a jog in my new birthday running shoes is on the agenda before I head to the office. Have a great day everyone. Why don't you share with me some things you've learned? I would love to hear from you.

After Justin and I got married we moved to an area in Utah County that I thought would be nice because it's a 2 minute drive from work. It's been amazing on gas, but awful on friendship. (Weird segway right?) I figured I would get into our new ward at our LDS church and make friends with the younger newlywed girls because there's a fair amount of them. It has been the complete polar opposite. This is weird for me, because aside from the drama of junior high, I've rarely had trouble meeting and befriending other girls. I've been spoiled most of my life in this regard, because in this particular ward I am finding myself more and more perplexed at the lack of cordiality and a welcoming environment.

Perfect example: Our neighbors moved in shortly after we did, and both seem to be about Justin's and my age with one little boy. One day I was out getting the mail, and she was on the lawn with him playing. I went up and introduced myself, and said, "You must be our new neighbor. Hi, I'm Lana, I live right next door to you." She acted as if I was a kidnapper, or a leper. Her exact reaction was this, "Ok, hi. Come on buddy let's go inside." She then picked her kid up and walked inside. Justin introduced himself to her husband at one time and he basically just acted like Justin wasn't talking.

Another time I introduced myself to a girl in one of the meetings and talking to her was like pulling teeth even though we had common ground. Her father in law, used to be a church authority in a singles ward of mine in college, and had been to our ward that day. I asked her simple things like, "How long have you lived in this area? How's having him for a father in law?" Simple get to know you questions that usually open people up for any type of friendship. All I got were "a little bit" and "good" for answers. Finally I could tell talking to her would be just impossible. Situations like this have happened quite a few other times in this ward or with our neighbors, with the exception of one couple that seem like normal, nice humans. I really like those normal, nice humans. Why can't there be more of them around here?

I find it hard to believe that people in general just don't want any friends... but right here where I live right now, there is a huge cluster of people that don't want any friends.

The last time we were all photographed together. It was over a year ago. Sad.

It really makes me miss my girlfriends that are all scattered in other states even more than I already did!

They are so welcoming to everyone and always have a "more the merrier" attitude. I have been spoiled with these girls. It's hard for me to accept that these people in my area now don't want to have friends. It's really strange and baffles me. I'm not that type of person. I always think the more friends, the merrier! I can't wait until we move out of this ward.

Have you guys ever experienced this or am I really just a leper!?

Last week I went to Darron and Shauny's wedding in California. I got to stay with Shauny's family at their house in San Clemente for the week. I loved their house, and staying with them. They are way fun, nice people! And they're so welcoming! Their house was a block or so from the beach, it was awesome! Shauny was pretty busy finishing up on the final wedding stuff, so I borrowed a beach cruiser and rode around the neighborhood, then spent some time alone at the beach. I LOVE just sitting and watching the ocean. It's so relaxing. I need to move there so I can do that every week!

Darron, Shauny, and I went to see the movie Prom Night. And we were the only ones in the theater! It was way fun. Shauny got really scared and thought Darron looked like the killer from the movie. It was hilarious! Their wedding turned out great on Friday, and Shauny looked amazing! I knew she would, she's so pretty. It was in the San Diego temple. My favorite one! It is such a beautiful temple.

Then Saturday I went to the beach again with her family and she was off to her honeymoon in Cancun with Darron! How fun! Saturday was a great day at the beach, only something went wrong with my sunscreen and I got a really severe sunburn everywhere I put it! It looks pretty funny with all the crazy lines. There's even the shape of a playboy bunny on my upper back. It's really strange! Apparently I don't know how to rub it in evenly. Also, I guess sunscreen can separate and go bad. I didn't know so I pretty much turned my back and legs into an oily bullseye for the sun! It's finally starting to feel better, and I'm going to be tan, so I guess there's something positive from it! haha! I'm just waiting for my peeling to start. Peeling is so gross! Here are some pictures from the trip.

The Wedding Pictures:




The Other Stuff!

The tunnel to the beach. This was between two houses in their neighborhood.
Me enjoying the beach...
I'm artistic.
Pre-wedding Nausea. Poor Shauny!