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Sunday March 16th - A perfect day. Here's why.

Started the day with a homemade breakfast by my mother-in-law. Went on a two-mile walk with Justin and two of his siblings through the hills behind his parents' house. Went to the park with my brothers, their kids, and my parents. Got my mom out in the sunshine, got her to exercise a little bit, and had a blast with my family. We all needed the fresh air. Spring always makes me feel alive again. This day is one that will stay in my memory forever. I love this woman with all of my heart. She is a champion.

Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

So you heard about our transmission failing in my Mazda right? It was the weirdest thing. Car was running perfect, and then suddenly 3rd gear was destroyed and transmission failure was all we could see.

A friend of ours referred us to a place where they "take all" their cars. The guy told he'd give us a great deal, and said he knew exactly how to fix our Mazda. That was on Monday 2/17/14. What day is it today? Oh yeah, it's March 1st. Do we have our car back?

NO.

Also, we were supposed to have it last weekend. But on Tuesday of this week they told us they had just barely started it. Wait... you  mean to tell us you've had it for a WEEK without working on it?!

Well how the hell do you stay in business, sir?

Oh, and also, now it won't run. Before, it would drive if you stayed in 1st or 2nd gear. Oh, and also... we have to call them for updates every few days because they just don't tell us anything, like the fact that for a week we assumed it was being fixed and they hadn't even touched it. They called Justin at 4pm yesterday and said, "Hey it's ready!" So he turned in our rental car and went to pick up the Mazda... FINALLY.

Well it wasn't working. And they just called us today to say they can't fix it.

If anyone ever refers you to this company because they know them, and they'll take really good care of you, and give you a great deal, PUNCH THAT PERSON IN THE FACE. The reason I say this is, they just basically signed you up  for the worst service worst communication skills, and stupidest people on the planet. Better yet, PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AND TELL THEM YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LITTLE THEY CARE ABOUT YOU, AND NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN.  I had my doubts, but the guy said he could fix our transmission and knew exactly how to do it, as if he was a pro with Mazdas. I swear, the few times I ignore my gut, I regret it EVERY TIME.

I guess I should've known. They're name is Rollin' Big Auto. Stupid jackass company name, it reflects exactly how professional they are. I just want to punch myself in the face for thinking a company with that name would be professional and do a great job. It's like buying a top of the line mattress from MATTREZZ OUTLET or FurnishIt. Just don't do it. Incidentally, these do exist. I got a mattress at FurnishIt and it was cheeeeappppp. It makes sense, the last half of the word stands for OUR STUFF IS CRAP.

http://www.rollinbigauto.com/

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

I hope you all had a blast on Valentine's day last weekend. It was nice that it ended up being on a Friday. MUCH easier for romancing the night away!

Justin and I aren't huge celebrators of Valentine's day, so we just got each other some simple gifts, and had planned to do something silly that night, like go to the family trampoline gym. He had to go out of town for some stuff the night before and had to take our only car. He was on his way back on Valentine's day when our car just stopped shifting gears, and wouldn't go above 2nd gear. This is kind of a huge problem when you live in a driving state. He called a local tow company, and they wouldn't be able to get our car home until Saturday due to the busy Valentine's holiday. They did have a loaner car he could use, so he said he'd borrow that so he could get the rest of the way home.

The car was incredible... or not. When he finally was on the road again, he called me to tell me he was more scared to drive that car than our car with engine trouble. One of the headlights was out, the car rattled like crazy and creaked like the axles would fall off at highway speeds. It was windy and he said it felt like the car couldn't fight back against the wind. It also was filthy everywhere you looked. Not just a little dirty, but like YEARS of grime and filth that came off on his clothes. But hey, when you're in a bind you will drive whatever you can!

So we 're in the process of trying to find out what is wrong with our car. We couldn't get it into a mechanic over the weekend because the towing company delivered it 8 hours later than promised. I seriously want to dispute the charge from our payment, but I'm still debating it. Just NEVER use A-1 Towing in central Utah. They are terrible at managing their customers. We had to call them like 5 or 6 times just to get them to communicate with us about where our car was and when it would be delivered Then they kept calling to ask if they could deliver it to a random place that wasn't anywhere near our home.

We secretly hoped they'd just ruin my car so we could get a new one for practically free! But alas, they delivered it in one piece. HA!

Right now we're renting a Jeep Compass (free upgrade when the rental place was out of compacts...SCORE!) to get around and it is super nice. I'm actually tempted to buy one of these soon and get rid of my car that I've had for 5 years.

Anyhow, this little beater loaner car was so funny. It has well over 200,000 miles on it and is super beat up. It made me feel like we were on a date in sophomore year of highschool. We did a late night run to Mickey D's and giggled the whole time about how fun it was when we were both 15 to even have a friend with a car, it didn't even matter if it was a disgusting, dangerous beast of a car.

I love our stressful, silly adventures. Let's hope the expenses to fix our car are not terrible.

I'm kind of kicking myself right now for not trading in my car 2 months ago when Justin and I were thinking of buying a new one. Where's Alanis Morrisette when I need her? This story should be in one of her songs. "It's a dropped transmission, when you could've had a new car, and isn't it ironic, don't ya think?"

We call her Blue Thunder. Ain't she a beauty? (His face speaks volumes about how he feels.)

Justin and I have spent some time really making our house feel like a sanctuary from the world. For us that involves positive attitudes, incessant laughter, love and a lot of really great items that remind us of all the things we find beautiful... and surrounding ourselves with all of that.

Here's a photo roll of some of the little details that really make a difference in it not being just another place, but our very own home.








And how could it feel like a real home to me, without a pet or two?

Hey Guys,

I'm seriously in love with my new creations. I want to buy them all for myself! Don't you just love them? I know I sure do.

Hey, here's a thought... why don't you buy one for your lover for Valentine's day? I wouldn't be offended in the slightest.  You know they'd love a throw pillow (you can never have too many), or even a bag to carry their books in, or a clock to remind them of when they need to call you and tell you they love you. BECAUSE WE ALL NEED THOSE THINGS.

CLICK HERE to view larger product images, product details & pricing at my Society6 page! You can also follow my Facebook page for new product updates: http://www.facebook.com/bylanalou

Guys.

My dream came true last week.

There are no words to perfectly describe my elation at finally owning a real, acoustic, upright piano.

You know what sucks? When you say the words "I NEVER". Somehow the universe hears you, and it immediately stops what it is doing, to commit all its efforts into proving you wrong. I think the universe gets off on making us eat those two words for breakfast like they are a big bowl of Alphabits. (Those use to be my favorite cereal growing up... you can spell swear words and giggle and your mom will not know!)

One time I said, "I've never crashed a car." The next day I nearly totaled my car. Apparently old steel-frame Chevy trucks are just like brick walls when a tiny Toyota Corolla hits them.

Steel-frame Chevy & Universe = 1, Lana = Sorry I ever said anything.

So, why didn't I learn from this stupid lesson? The word never should disappear from my vocabulary, but it hasn't.

Justin does his own laundry, which I love, but sometimes we fight over who gets to use the washing machine. I needed to do laundry and so did he, so I told him we could just do our laundry together. I gave him this whole speech about how I NEVER ruin clothes. EVER. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. So if he would just stop being OCD about his clothes, I would wash them and he'd see that I am still the coolest wife in the world, and both our clothes would be clean at the same time.

So what happened? The UNIVERSE.

DAMN UNIVERSE.

I shrunk not one of his shirts, but ALL of his shirts. How many, you ask? ALL OF THEM. I also shrunk all my pajama pants, and half of my tshirts. And let me tell you, those tshirts are my prized posessions. The items of clothing that never feel awkward on me, and just feel right every time I wear them. You know, the cute little loose fitting, one chest pocket, come in every color of the rainbow, so I bought all of them at one time and never regretted it. The kind that go with everything.

Hmph.

I'm going to go ahead insert my face into my palm right now.

Justin is loving this sweet little turn of events. We got to go to Target and buy him a whole new wardrobe. I'm still afraid to try on my shirts. I don't want to be even more disappointed. I HATE RUINING CLOTHES. I'm still sulking a little bit over it. I keep praying that they won't be ruined and that when I finally try one on it will be just like old times. (They're discontinued where I bought them, so it's even better.)

Who is the best wife ever? Me, if giving you ammo to tease me for the rest of our lives counts as best wife ever. He told me I could shrink all his pants, too, so we can buy him a bunch of new jeans.

Well Universe... you win.

Universe = 2, Lana = ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

At least he got a great outfit out of it (he looks so dreamy and stylin'!), and I got a shirt that will make you all sing a song you're sick of singing. You're welcome!

They say never go to bed angry.
They say never get a king size bed.

Some say in order to stay together you should never keep secrets.
Others say in order to stay together you have to have your own things.

Here's what I say:

If you don't go to bed angry you'll stay up until 3 am fighting. Because fighting when tired breeds more fighting, until neither of you even know what you're talking about and you're just fighting because you're tired.

A king size bed allows us to feel like we have all the space in the world to sleep without anybody waking the other up. And we both REALLY value our sleep, so we need this. However, every morning we wake up piled in the middle of our massive bed. So get a king size bed, and use the crap out of it. You'll still love each other, that is, if you loved each other already.

My last piece of advice is this:

The couple that laughs together, lasts together. Nothing gets you through life better than a good laugh.  Tell me the last time you didn't enjoy a good giggle fest, laugh-a-thon or giant guffaw.

You can't, because everyone enjoys laughing. It happens because you're happy. Even if you're laughing at the end of the worst possible day and it couldn't get any worse, you laugh because deep down inside, there's a tiny shred of you that can see that it is somehow going to be ok.

I think I'll open a clinic down the street dedicated to laughter therapy. And no one will have to pay unless I got them to chuckle at least a little.

I don't think we've gone a single day of our marriage without the tiniest of chuckles. No one appreciates my dad-like sense of humor like he does. And no one can get me to laugh until I can't breathe as often as he can. We're two peas in a giggling pod.  See for yourself below.

(Pardon the blurred photos. We aren't able to focus a camera whilst taking selfies. Yeah, I said whilst. I say whilst, when I'm feeling good. Must be all this laughter therapy going on.)

Because, it's a feel good song.

(I don't love the weird video though. It doesn't go with the song.)

I listened to a few of this guy's songs the other night, I LOVE this one and Thing We Lost in the Fire.

Bastille - Pompeii

What to buy, or do with the money?

What are your favorite things to do with tax refunds?

Do you buy new furniture, a new Macbook, pay off some debt, go on a vacation, donate to charity, wipe your butt with it, burn it and laugh about how rich you already are?

I'd love to hear what you're hoping to do with all them benjamins. Share your ideas below in the comments!

http://sfrc.ufl.edu/Extension/florida_forestry_information/images/price_dollars.gif

Journal Series:

Monday, January 27, 2014.

I sit here tonight from the comfort of my bed and it's only 8:45 PM. Sometimes you just need to wrap up in your cozy blankets, turn on some Bob Dylan and write. I am so thankful for the life I have right now. I am blessed with so many things that I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have. But... as most extroverts do, I will try.

Sometimes life gets routine, day in and day out, same old story and it can feel like you're just passing time without really living. However, if you look at each day, and really look, you will see the good in it all. I got this lesson from my new favorite movie - About Time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The biggest lesson in the movie is this: Live each day as if you're going back to it and living it on purpose.

Today I really thought about this. It was a typical Monday at work, super hard to wake up because my bed is the most comfortable bed on the planet. I didn't sleep that well because my big, orange cat woke me up at about 4 AM. He was in the middle of convulsing off the side of our bed. The weird thing was, whose cat is smart enough to lean OFF the bed to puke? I swear I have the two smartest cats in the world living in my house. The little white one? He can meow back when you sing to him. He can also bring you his mouse and drop it at your feet when he wants to play.

So, I shoved Mr. Spewer off the bed and let him out of the room so he could go puke outside. Then I had to clean it up. He never pukes, that was a super weird thing to have happen. He's usually just a little cuddle bug all night.

Anyway, Monday was as it always is at work... everything I wanted to get done got shoved to the side so I could get everything else that went crazy done instead. I finished up work and left with Justin. I'm so grateful we work in such close proximity so we can share one car and really save money for our dreams.

Then, when we got home I cooked a fantastic simple meal, and we had a mini-marathon of That 70's Show on Netflix and laughed our heads off while sprawling out on our couch, each of us to an end with our feet crammed in the middle. Then afterward, Justin chased the two cats around the house. The little, white one chasing his mouse and leaping like he was on a springboard. The big, orange one playing tag with Justin from room to room.

My life is sweet and blissful. I am so lucky that I get to live it. I love my little family. Nothing makes me feel better than laughter and peace. I'm lucky that I get to have this right now. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to my God and to the universe tonight for allowing me to have these moments. I am happy.

Good night, and sweet dreams. (If it's day time when you read this, I hope your day is filled with every thing/person you love and hope for.)

Justin and I like to have fun. Sometimes we go on double dates, twice in one day.

This weekend we went to lunch with my life-long girlfriend and her husband.  After we parted ways we met up with another two couples and went bowling.  I don't think I'm a pro-bowler by any means, but I'm not a terrible one either.

I was very nearly the champion until a couple people decided to pull some fast ones and stop getting gutter balls and instead bowl strikes. I thought this would be the first time I ever got to win at bowling, and I was going to beat 5 other people! Sadly, victory was not mine.

I do have to say though, Justin was by far the coolest guy at Miracle Bowl. He brought his own pink camouflage bowling ball.

Yep, that's my husband. I love this guy beyond anything I can ever explain. We have the best time, even if we're just cleaning our whole house. Which is what we did today. I'm so thankful that I get to wake up every day next to him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him.

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

...or the slightly expensive but still in our planned budget things.

This weekend, the husband and I went shopping! We have been meaning to finish a few things in our house that were on our list. So, we finally finished the living room completely! We were able to find a really nice rug... kind of a splurge, but totally worth it. New curtains add tons of amazingness to the room, and a few other small touches like moving the gallery wall to the right, and a few other small details. We're both kind of in love with the changes. It's beautiful, see for yourself!

Now I think I'll relax and enjoy the sweet blissfulness of our immaculately clean home!

I've been thinking a lot about direction and paths lately. I know that we often don't end up originally where we thought we would, or even when we thought we would get there. I'm ok with that. However I would like to achieve the dreams I've set out for myself.

How do we make the big scary things happen to us? I don't mean bad things when I say this. I mean, the big amazingly wonderful, scary to achieve, hard to reach goals. You know?

The kind that require you to step off the cliff and pray that the bridge you cannot see, but must believe is there... is really there. I mean how do we know it's really there? What if it's only 2 inches wide, and I step in the wrong direction? What if I fall and everyone laughs and says, "oops there goes another failure!"

Fear of failure kills me. I have yet to fail at anything I really try at. I always somehow find the 2 inch wide invisible bridge, and after a few steps, I can RUN across this thing and make it to my dream.

Found in a google image search, totally fits, right?

Guys, I have some really big dreams, that right now seem impossible, or unrealistic. But my heart drifts to them almost daily lately.

I've really got to take the leap of faith. HOW ON EARTH CAN I DO THIS?

I feel like I need to really focus on this, and figure out how this always-prepared-before-she-jumps kind of girl can be risky.

First steps first... make a plan or talk about what is hard. SO I need to answer these questions:

1. What is it I want to achieve?
2. What are the basic steps to get there?
3. What are the even more basic steps to get to STEP 1 OF MY PLAN?

So... for the next little bit I will be focusing on Step 1, and how to get there!

Wish me luck! I can do this, right?

I can't ever say enough how much I love spending time with strong women. I am a lucky girl because I happen to know so many. I was lucky enough to get not one, but TWO of my closest girlfriends in town at the same time during New Year's holiday time. I miss them so much, and I really never get sick of just sitting and talking for hours about EVERYTHING. These girls take me as I am, and encourage me to be bold. I am ever so grateful for their friendship. I only wish they didn't move several states away!

Last weekend I had the pleasure of having brunch with several of my other girlfriends in this area. I'm so grateful I went. They really do boost my self-esteem when I go. I just feel like I can be as strong as I want to be when I am around these girls. Nothing should ever break our spirits, but life has a way of beating us down sometimes. Being around strong women has a way of empowering me again, and reminding me that I, too, can do whatever I want to do, and be bold and go for the life I want, regardless of the time it will take to get there.

I love this feeling. Right now I feel strong, and empowered. Such a great way to feel after hanging out with people. That's how you know you are in the presence of good people-- when you come away feeling positive and motivated.

I'm so thankful for moments like this, when I feel stronger than I thought I was yesterday, and when I am able to pull up my bootstraps and get going! Be prepared for some feminist posts to come!

It's not every day that someone we know passes away. Usually death pulls one of two reactions from me. The first being a peaceful feeling, knowing it was their time to go, and that wherever they are, they are smiling down on us and watching over us. The second, feeling sad that it was too soon for them and there are a lot of people wishing they were still here.

This week there was another reaction from me regarding the death of someone I hardly knew. It shook me to the core and made me feel nauseated. I've heard of suicides before in my life, I'm not sure why this particular suicide shook me the way it did. Maybe it's because we were friends on Facebook, and their life appeared so wonderful -- or at least that's how they published it online. Maybe it's because I know there are people here on Earth that at this very moment are desperate for answers of why and how and what and where they could've done more or could've helped. There is a family picking up the pieces of their broken hearts... or not even starting to yet.

Suicide rocks everyone involved. There is always someone that has to find the person and tell others what happened. There are the family members that have to learn to live without them. There are the children or friends that have to try to understand why, even though they'll never know. It is never a peaceful death experience. We don't sit here on this side of the veil between heaven and earth and say, "It was their time." Because if it were, it wouldn't have been a suicide.

I can't think of a worse feeling to have in this life, than to feel your only option is to die to save yourself. I have been in the pits of despair with depression before, but maybe I wasn't actually THAT far down? I never thought "I need to end it all." I did look in the mirror one day and say to myself, "Wow, if I don't get help now I might die from this eventually."

I guess what I'm saying is... please get help. Go for a walk, count to 10. Call a friend. Call 50 friends, knock on people's doors, grab the phone book and call everyone listed until someone talks to you... but don't give up. Don't ever, ever, ever give up. I promise that as bleak as this world is, there are people that care about you. All is not lost, even if it feels awful for a very long time. It really bothers me that this world is so technologically saturated that we can appear to have the most perfect life on Facebook, and be slowly dying inside and no one knows.

I can't say that I agree with this person's choice. But I also can't say that I know what it was like to be them. I'm not sure they ever thought this many people would be rocked by their choice. People that hardly knew them. I hope wherever they are, that they're able to find the peace they were seeking. Lord knows the people they left behind will be seeking it for a long time to come.

I had a dream last night that I was being interviewed by some famous host of a show, regarding my life.   I don't remember a lot of what was said, but I remembered finding my answers to be quite interesting. I woke up thinking to myself, "What would it be like if I were on a talk show? Would people find my interview to be a waste of time, or worthwhile?"

I decided to conduct an interview of myself. Let's do this here, for fun, and see what happens.

Q: We've got something special for you all tonight, folks. We've got Lana here to hang out with us! Let's give her all a warm welcome!

--audience cheers and claps as I enter the stage and take my seat--

A: Thank you, thank you, you're all too nice. --I blush--

Q: So, Lana, what are you up to these days?

A: Well, I am still working at the same place I've been since I graduated college. It's been quite a ride, not even knowing what I was interviewing for when I first went in. I desperately needed a job, and would've done anything they needed me to. So, here I am coordinating 100's of events every week now, with a bit of international experience as well. It's been quite fun, hectic and educational all at the same time.

Q: Excellent! That's pretty great, seeing as how a lot of people are stuck looking for odd jobs, just to pay their bills.

A: I know. I've been quite lucky the past 4.5 years. I'm also trying to sell some recent creations on my Society6.com page. If any of you people want to see what that's about, head over to www.society6.com/lanalefevre. You won't be disappointed, I've got art prints, tote bags, throw pillows, mugs, anything you could ever want me to put my art on, since I know you're all desperate for a little piece of it! --audience claps and laughs--

Q: So, the question on everyone's mind tonight is, What do you see yourself doing for the rest of your life?

A: Well, you just get right to the point don't you now? --host laughs-- Honestly, there are so many things I love to do. As long as I have something that pays my regular bills, I just want to spend my life creating. I'd love to own my own furniture shop. Not your regular run-of-the-mill place, though. I want to find old furniture, and restore it to a new beautiful version of itself, and then hang up all my original artwork, and prints, on the walls. Anything in the building is for sale, including the artwork... except for me of course!" --audience laughs--

Q: Well, that's a great idea! There seems to be a lot of that going on lately, so how would your shop be different than all the others?

A: There's the hard part... it would be different because it would have one-of-a-kind pieces refurbished by me, but I'm still trying to find an idea for how to really set it apart. Let me get back to you on that?

Q: I hope you will! I'd love to hear more. Some of us have also followed your blog, and think you're a half decent writer. Have you ever considered writing a book? Any kind of book?

A: I have, and I am... slowly. VERY slowly. --audience laughs-- But it's there, in the back of everyday, looming over my head. I just get writer's block pretty easily. However, I am constantly coming up with synopses of stories that I can start anew. So, I've got ideas for about 5 books right now that if I could just focus and work on them, I'd probably be the next J.K. Rowling... or, maybe just the next nameless author that makes a few bucks off their short stories. --audience laughs again-- Either way, I'd be satisfied if I just finished one of them!

Q: That's really great, hopefully one day we can pick up a copy from the nearest Barnes and Noble?

A: That's the plan... now if I could just get to work on that again! --audience and host give me their best sympathy laugh--

Q: So, what about your family? How's everyone these days?

A: Well, you heard about my mom right?

Q: Yeah, sorry to hear that she's had to fight cancer --audience sighs sadly-- this past year. How's she doing?

A: She's doing ok actually. It's never a good thing to be diagnosed with cancer and fight it the way she has, but I'm so grateful she's still here. It's really inspired me to focus more on what I want out of life, instead of just going through the day-to-day motions. Sure, I've spent a lot of time lazing about this year, because stress will do that to a person. But I have big plans for myself, and she is my inspiration. Life is short, and it can turn on a dime. We really have to make it what we want. My mom was a go-getter when she had the energy and health, and I can't think of a time in my life that she didn't have a million dreams going all at once for herself. She always achieved them, and made them happen. I really have learned a lot from her example, and can't think of a better way to live myself.

--audience claps and cheers--

Q: Well, that's really inspirational, she sounds like an amazing mother, and someone who has a great legacy. You are one lucky girl to be raised by a woman like her.

A: I really am. I have always known it too. --audience claps again--

Q: Well, that's about all the time we have for tonight, folks! Thanks for being here Lana, and we all look forward to seeing your books, your artwork and your furniture in the future. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

A: Thanks for having me, it's been a pleasure. --I wave at the audience while the end credits roll--

If were to be on a late night talk show, I think I'd probably wear an adorable black or gray dress, with the below accessories. Justin got me these tights for Christmas, and I am loving their bright mustard-ness. You can never go wrong with colored legs. I am serious.

So, if you had to interview yourself, what would it say and what would you wear?