Sunday March 16th - A perfect day. Here's why.

Started the day with a homemade breakfast by my mother-in-law. Went on a two-mile walk with Justin and two of his siblings through the hills behind his parents' house. Went to the park with my brothers, their kids, and my parents. Got my mom out in the sunshine, got her to exercise a little bit, and had a blast with my family. We all needed the fresh air. Spring always makes me feel alive again. This day is one that will stay in my memory forever. I love this woman with all of my heart. She is a champion.

Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

I hope you all had a blast on Valentine's day last weekend. It was nice that it ended up being on a Friday. MUCH easier for romancing the night away!

Justin and I aren't huge celebrators of Valentine's day, so we just got each other some simple gifts, and had planned to do something silly that night, like go to the family trampoline gym. He had to go out of town for some stuff the night before and had to take our only car. He was on his way back on Valentine's day when our car just stopped shifting gears, and wouldn't go above 2nd gear. This is kind of a huge problem when you live in a driving state. He called a local tow company, and they wouldn't be able to get our car home until Saturday due to the busy Valentine's holiday. They did have a loaner car he could use, so he said he'd borrow that so he could get the rest of the way home.

The car was incredible... or not. When he finally was on the road again, he called me to tell me he was more scared to drive that car than our car with engine trouble. One of the headlights was out, the car rattled like crazy and creaked like the axles would fall off at highway speeds. It was windy and he said it felt like the car couldn't fight back against the wind. It also was filthy everywhere you looked. Not just a little dirty, but like YEARS of grime and filth that came off on his clothes. But hey, when you're in a bind you will drive whatever you can!

So we 're in the process of trying to find out what is wrong with our car. We couldn't get it into a mechanic over the weekend because the towing company delivered it 8 hours later than promised. I seriously want to dispute the charge from our payment, but I'm still debating it. Just NEVER use A-1 Towing in central Utah. They are terrible at managing their customers. We had to call them like 5 or 6 times just to get them to communicate with us about where our car was and when it would be delivered Then they kept calling to ask if they could deliver it to a random place that wasn't anywhere near our home.

We secretly hoped they'd just ruin my car so we could get a new one for practically free! But alas, they delivered it in one piece. HA!

Right now we're renting a Jeep Compass (free upgrade when the rental place was out of compacts...SCORE!) to get around and it is super nice. I'm actually tempted to buy one of these soon and get rid of my car that I've had for 5 years.

Anyhow, this little beater loaner car was so funny. It has well over 200,000 miles on it and is super beat up. It made me feel like we were on a date in sophomore year of highschool. We did a late night run to Mickey D's and giggled the whole time about how fun it was when we were both 15 to even have a friend with a car, it didn't even matter if it was a disgusting, dangerous beast of a car.

I love our stressful, silly adventures. Let's hope the expenses to fix our car are not terrible.

I'm kind of kicking myself right now for not trading in my car 2 months ago when Justin and I were thinking of buying a new one. Where's Alanis Morrisette when I need her? This story should be in one of her songs. "It's a dropped transmission, when you could've had a new car, and isn't it ironic, don't ya think?"

We call her Blue Thunder. Ain't she a beauty? (His face speaks volumes about how he feels.)

You know what sucks? When you say the words "I NEVER". Somehow the universe hears you, and it immediately stops what it is doing, to commit all its efforts into proving you wrong. I think the universe gets off on making us eat those two words for breakfast like they are a big bowl of Alphabits. (Those use to be my favorite cereal growing up... you can spell swear words and giggle and your mom will not know!)

One time I said, "I've never crashed a car." The next day I nearly totaled my car. Apparently old steel-frame Chevy trucks are just like brick walls when a tiny Toyota Corolla hits them.

Steel-frame Chevy & Universe = 1, Lana = Sorry I ever said anything.

So, why didn't I learn from this stupid lesson? The word never should disappear from my vocabulary, but it hasn't.

Justin does his own laundry, which I love, but sometimes we fight over who gets to use the washing machine. I needed to do laundry and so did he, so I told him we could just do our laundry together. I gave him this whole speech about how I NEVER ruin clothes. EVER. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. So if he would just stop being OCD about his clothes, I would wash them and he'd see that I am still the coolest wife in the world, and both our clothes would be clean at the same time.

So what happened? The UNIVERSE.

DAMN UNIVERSE.

I shrunk not one of his shirts, but ALL of his shirts. How many, you ask? ALL OF THEM. I also shrunk all my pajama pants, and half of my tshirts. And let me tell you, those tshirts are my prized posessions. The items of clothing that never feel awkward on me, and just feel right every time I wear them. You know, the cute little loose fitting, one chest pocket, come in every color of the rainbow, so I bought all of them at one time and never regretted it. The kind that go with everything.

Hmph.

I'm going to go ahead insert my face into my palm right now.

Justin is loving this sweet little turn of events. We got to go to Target and buy him a whole new wardrobe. I'm still afraid to try on my shirts. I don't want to be even more disappointed. I HATE RUINING CLOTHES. I'm still sulking a little bit over it. I keep praying that they won't be ruined and that when I finally try one on it will be just like old times. (They're discontinued where I bought them, so it's even better.)

Who is the best wife ever? Me, if giving you ammo to tease me for the rest of our lives counts as best wife ever. He told me I could shrink all his pants, too, so we can buy him a bunch of new jeans.

Well Universe... you win.

Universe = 2, Lana = ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

At least he got a great outfit out of it (he looks so dreamy and stylin'!), and I got a shirt that will make you all sing a song you're sick of singing. You're welcome!

They say never go to bed angry.
They say never get a king size bed.

Some say in order to stay together you should never keep secrets.
Others say in order to stay together you have to have your own things.

Here's what I say:

If you don't go to bed angry you'll stay up until 3 am fighting. Because fighting when tired breeds more fighting, until neither of you even know what you're talking about and you're just fighting because you're tired.

A king size bed allows us to feel like we have all the space in the world to sleep without anybody waking the other up. And we both REALLY value our sleep, so we need this. However, every morning we wake up piled in the middle of our massive bed. So get a king size bed, and use the crap out of it. You'll still love each other, that is, if you loved each other already.

My last piece of advice is this:

The couple that laughs together, lasts together. Nothing gets you through life better than a good laugh.  Tell me the last time you didn't enjoy a good giggle fest, laugh-a-thon or giant guffaw.

You can't, because everyone enjoys laughing. It happens because you're happy. Even if you're laughing at the end of the worst possible day and it couldn't get any worse, you laugh because deep down inside, there's a tiny shred of you that can see that it is somehow going to be ok.

I think I'll open a clinic down the street dedicated to laughter therapy. And no one will have to pay unless I got them to chuckle at least a little.

I don't think we've gone a single day of our marriage without the tiniest of chuckles. No one appreciates my dad-like sense of humor like he does. And no one can get me to laugh until I can't breathe as often as he can. We're two peas in a giggling pod.  See for yourself below.

(Pardon the blurred photos. We aren't able to focus a camera whilst taking selfies. Yeah, I said whilst. I say whilst, when I'm feeling good. Must be all this laughter therapy going on.)

Journal Series:

Monday, January 27, 2014.

I sit here tonight from the comfort of my bed and it's only 8:45 PM. Sometimes you just need to wrap up in your cozy blankets, turn on some Bob Dylan and write. I am so thankful for the life I have right now. I am blessed with so many things that I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have. But... as most extroverts do, I will try.

Sometimes life gets routine, day in and day out, same old story and it can feel like you're just passing time without really living. However, if you look at each day, and really look, you will see the good in it all. I got this lesson from my new favorite movie - About Time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The biggest lesson in the movie is this: Live each day as if you're going back to it and living it on purpose.

Today I really thought about this. It was a typical Monday at work, super hard to wake up because my bed is the most comfortable bed on the planet. I didn't sleep that well because my big, orange cat woke me up at about 4 AM. He was in the middle of convulsing off the side of our bed. The weird thing was, whose cat is smart enough to lean OFF the bed to puke? I swear I have the two smartest cats in the world living in my house. The little white one? He can meow back when you sing to him. He can also bring you his mouse and drop it at your feet when he wants to play.

So, I shoved Mr. Spewer off the bed and let him out of the room so he could go puke outside. Then I had to clean it up. He never pukes, that was a super weird thing to have happen. He's usually just a little cuddle bug all night.

Anyway, Monday was as it always is at work... everything I wanted to get done got shoved to the side so I could get everything else that went crazy done instead. I finished up work and left with Justin. I'm so grateful we work in such close proximity so we can share one car and really save money for our dreams.

Then, when we got home I cooked a fantastic simple meal, and we had a mini-marathon of That 70's Show on Netflix and laughed our heads off while sprawling out on our couch, each of us to an end with our feet crammed in the middle. Then afterward, Justin chased the two cats around the house. The little, white one chasing his mouse and leaping like he was on a springboard. The big, orange one playing tag with Justin from room to room.

My life is sweet and blissful. I am so lucky that I get to live it. I love my little family. Nothing makes me feel better than laughter and peace. I'm lucky that I get to have this right now. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to my God and to the universe tonight for allowing me to have these moments. I am happy.

Good night, and sweet dreams. (If it's day time when you read this, I hope your day is filled with every thing/person you love and hope for.)

Justin and I like to have fun. Sometimes we go on double dates, twice in one day.

This weekend we went to lunch with my life-long girlfriend and her husband.  After we parted ways we met up with another two couples and went bowling.  I don't think I'm a pro-bowler by any means, but I'm not a terrible one either.

I was very nearly the champion until a couple people decided to pull some fast ones and stop getting gutter balls and instead bowl strikes. I thought this would be the first time I ever got to win at bowling, and I was going to beat 5 other people! Sadly, victory was not mine.

I do have to say though, Justin was by far the coolest guy at Miracle Bowl. He brought his own pink camouflage bowling ball.

Yep, that's my husband. I love this guy beyond anything I can ever explain. We have the best time, even if we're just cleaning our whole house. Which is what we did today. I'm so thankful that I get to wake up every day next to him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him.

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

...or the slightly expensive but still in our planned budget things.

This weekend, the husband and I went shopping! We have been meaning to finish a few things in our house that were on our list. So, we finally finished the living room completely! We were able to find a really nice rug... kind of a splurge, but totally worth it. New curtains add tons of amazingness to the room, and a few other small touches like moving the gallery wall to the right, and a few other small details. We're both kind of in love with the changes. It's beautiful, see for yourself!

Now I think I'll relax and enjoy the sweet blissfulness of our immaculately clean home!

May your day be filled with the best parts of life and those that matter most to you. Merry Christmas from us, to you.

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

Guys, my Thanksgiving holiday was truly THE best. Here's why:

The entire setup and most of the group. (Crazy Panorama)

My siblings and I arranged to cook the entire meal by ourselves. We ended up roping my stepdad in to cook the turkey, but other than that, we set everything up, prepared the food and organized the whole day. All my mom had to do was show up and eat. It worked out to be a HUGE success. My mom just hung out while her children prepared food in her kitchen and got everything together. When it was finally ready, I asked her what she thought of the day. And she said, "I should've had you guys making all the food for the past several years. This is really great."

I'm so glad we were able to make her Thanksgiving. She is unable to cook anymore and half of the time she can't even eat anything, so it made me really happy that every single one of my siblings was on board to execute my plan. When I first thought of the idea, I texted my oldest brother and his response was, "OF COURSE, I will make the turkey!!!!"

We had to change those plans because he has 5 kids, and couldn't get there with enough time to cook it, but I loved his enthusiasm. Everyone was the same way. After dinner we all just hung out, watched old home movies, and talked with my mom.

My mom and her newest granddaughter.

My sister, sisters-in-law, mom and me.

I spent the entire next day with my mom. It was nice because I never get time alone with her anymore, and I really wanted it. Also, it allowed my stepdad to get some work done and not have to worry about her for several hours. I cleaned their house and sat with her while she slept. She used all of her energy staying awake on Thanksgiving so she slept almost the entire day Friday. I can't imagine what her life is like anymore. We talked a little bit about how she feels lately, and it's been really hard on her. She can't form a sentence almost 80% of the time now because she can't find the right words to get her thoughts out. Her thoughts are a big jumbled mess. Every now and then she'll be able to say exactly what she means, and it makes her really happy. The rest of the time she's pretty frustrated. I feel so bad. It's amazing what 9 months of time can do to a person. Back in February, she was as she always was -- healthy, vibrant and full of energy.  Nine months later, she's deteriorated quite far. It breaks my heart every time I see her, but I know that she's still my same mom that has always been there.

Despite all this, her hair is finally starting to grow back. It gives me hope that good things are coming.

Saturday, my sister, and one of my sisters-in-law, came back over to my mom's house. We spent the whole day decorating her house for Christmas. We had a lot of help decorating by way of some little elves (three of my nieces), and it was a lot of fun! My mom slept through most of it, but when she woke up and could see it, she made sure to tell us it looked great! Christmas is one of my mom's favorite times of year, so I'm really grateful we were able to get her house all setup for the holiday season.

Mom's tree, freshly decorated by the granddaughters (ages 3-7).

All I want for Christmas this year is for my mom to have a great holiday, and to have vast improvements in her health. She is the most beautiful person I know, and I hope and pray that we'll find a way to get her health to improve. It was such a beautiful Thanksgiving, full of help, service, and family. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I feel rejuvenated and ready for this holiday season!

Happy Veteran's Day to this sexy beast! I am so grateful for his love, friendship, hard-working nature, and ridiculous sense of humor. I'm so lucky to be his wife. I'm so lucky we get to figure out this crazy life together. I couldn't have found a better person to be with.

It seems anymore that plans are meant to be demolished with the world's largest wrecking ball. Justin and I left work early last Friday to head down to visit my mom only to be thwarted 5 minutes before arrival at her house. My stepdad called to say she needed to go up to her doctor's office which is 4 hours away from their home and would possibly be staying at the hospital for several days and if we were close, he'd wait to leave until we got there. (This hospital is 40 minutes from our house). We made it just in time to say goodbye and have them leave back in the direction we came from.

Justin and I spent some time cleaning up their house for them and then headed to visit his parents and stay there for the night after just driving the length of the state of Utah. The next afternoon we headed back to our home to get a good night's sleep in our own bed.

Just as we were getting close to home, one of our tires felt wobbly, and we had to pull off the road to check it. A lug nut was missing, and it felt like some were loose. We had just bought new tires a few days before and were pretty frustrated that the guy hadn't screwed our tire on properly, and we could've been in a serious accident. Thankfully, we were close enough to home that we could take city streets home and not be stuck driving on the 80mph roads we were on before.

We got home, and decided to take the car back into the tire store to have them check all the tires and make sure they were secure. The only problem is, it was the weekend and nothing was open in the morning since it was Sunday.  We have two vehicles, but one is not registered because we're selling it. We didn't want to drive the car with the loose wheel up to the hospital on Sunday to see my mom, but we needed to get up there to see her. Also, apparently the train from our area to the hospital where she was doesn't run on Sundays. THANKS FRONTRUNNER. We decided we would just drive the unregistered truck and hope and pray that no one in a police car would notice.

Luckily, we made it up there and back with no further problems (or traffic tickets) and my mom was improving quite nicely from where she was on Friday when they  left. We took the car into the tire place today and they fixed it as well, without making us pay for any further work.

While I didn't get my weekend with my mom that I've been trying to have for over a month... I did get an afternoon with her, and I will have to be grateful for that right now.

I swear life is destined to demolish any plans we make. I think its sole goal is to teach us to laugh and roll with things. Although, after all the madness, I just want to crawl into my bed and take a long Autumn nap. I'm tired of rolling with things, but is there really another option?

It wasn't all a bust though. Justin got a sleeve tattoo from our seven year old niece. See for yourself.

It was so windy in this picture that it looks like I'm in a 1970's jumpsuit instead of my wedding dress.  I SO VERY MUCH LOVE BAD PHOTOS OF US! (this photo has nothing to do with this post, by the way)

This photo has nothing to do with this post. I just love it. Yes, that is a Sea Lion named Shanna.

So... I'll be honest... I HATE THE PHRASE "TENDER MERCIES".

Maybe it's not used much in the outside world of regular people that aren't Mormons. But here in Mormonland, it's used all the time. Sometimes to describe finding a shopping cart abandoned at the grocery store when you are carrying more than your basket can handle... i.e. a gallon of milk on top of produce. (Totally done that before. The gallon of milk thing, not the describing it thing, that was someone else.) Sometimes it's used to describe things that aren't tender mercies... they are just things, like remembering you have no clean undies and you gotta do laundry so you don't go commando in the Lord's house.

Sometimes it's used to describe real, simple happenings that have helped a person out on the worst day of their life, or in the pits of despair. I totally get that tender mercies are real, but something about the phrase just makes me feel like someone's standing in front of me using their "this is my talking to puppies" voice, and their eyes have gotten all glassy, and their pupils have turned to flowers, and all they see are hearts in place of people's eyes.

I know... cartoon morbidity. But really... that's what that phrase does to me. It oozes of soccer mom jeans creepy over the top gushy happiness.

But anyway... Justin and I experienced this very thing one night this year.  And we reminisced about it tonight and both started laughing at the thought of it. Justin happened to bring it up while I had a mouth full of Scope and I nearly swallowed it because I was laughing so hard at the memory.

Here's the rundown:

It was mid-March of this year. (I'm laughing before I even tell you guys what happened... aaaah....)

I had spent the better part of my week crying to Justin, or being tough at the U of U hospital with my mom who had just undergone brain tumor removal on a tumor that had just suddenly appeared and turned out to be a very rapid-growth type of brain cancer. I had spent the day walking around the shops in downtown SLC with Justin as we waited to hear if she was doing ok after surgery. They told us that anything was possible and we shouldn't expect the worst or hope for the best... aka... normal-life or vegetable-ness. So naturally, I couldn't hang out at the hospital waiting. I had to get out of there.

To give you an idea of how awful a week this was, I was walking like I was carrying a backpack equal to my own weight. I'm serious. I passed a mirror in a store and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my reflection. I was hunched like Quasimodo. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, and this particular day it was obvious that something was going on in my life that was awful.

Justin and I were in bed later that night just kind of decompressing from the madness. We fell asleep for about an hour and then he got up to pee. When he got back in bed, he readjusted to a position of comfortable sleep, and then things were quiet. I started to fall back to sleep and right before sleep hit me, something else hit me... well, hit my ears. The loudest possible fart that has ever been heard ripped through the quiet of the night.

A couple seconds of silence lingered before we both busted up laughing so hard that we couldn't contain it and practically started snorting. I had tears streaming out of my eyes and couldn't breathe. And we just kept giggling. Things would die down and we'd be like "ok we need to sleep," and then we'd bust up laughing again. It didn't even smell bad. It just ripped through the night like a chainsaw.

On the worst week of our lives, we were laughing uncontrollably.

I sometimes wonder if God sent that bedsheet-ripping fart to Justin to help us in our time of need, or if it just happened. Either way... as blasphemous as this might seem to you Mormons out there, that is my tender mercy story.

And you can't tell me it wasn't one.  I mean, it was one incredibly mercilous fart.

But seriously.

Restaurant in Portland.

Justin and I decided to celebrate our 1st anniversary vacation-style. We went back and forth between Redwood National Forest on the coast of California, or Portland. We aren't really sure what drew us both toward Portland, but it ultimately won. Maybe it's that we both randomly said it seemed cool to live in Portland several months ago. Maybe it's that to get to the coastal redwoods it was a 14 hour drive and Portland was only about 10 or 11. Either way, Portland won our vote and we booked a cute little one bedroom apartment off airbnb.com. The ride there was long but very fun, and we couldn't wait to get there. Driving into Portland is really neat. The first several hours are just flat and open land, but then you drop into the Columbia River Gorge and you're in a lush green forest. Everywhere we looked it seemed like ivy, fern, moss, flowers and other greenery were spewing out with reckless abandon. We explored the city, ate some great food, went to a massive bookstore (one of our favorite pastimes), and just had a great trip.

I LOVED IT.

Here are pictures of one of my favorite places that we went. This is Multnomah Falls, just outside Portland.  This place isn't done any justice by the photos. It was a beautiful 60-70 degrees, there was mist in the air from the falls, and every plant was a very vivid green. We also were able to take a short hike through the area nearby and enjoy the cool, crisp air the mountains provided. Justin isn't in a lot of the pictures because he is a typical guy and hates getting his picture taken.

The next post, which you'll see in a day or two, is of the Portland Japanese Garden in Forest Park in the middle of the city, my other favorite place we went. It was rainy that day, but it provided a really nice overcast, peaceful feel in the garden. I just didn't want to overwhelm you all with photos, so check back on Saturday and you should be able to see those ones too.