Sunday March 16th - A perfect day. Here's why.

Started the day with a homemade breakfast by my mother-in-law. Went on a two-mile walk with Justin and two of his siblings through the hills behind his parents' house. Went to the park with my brothers, their kids, and my parents. Got my mom out in the sunshine, got her to exercise a little bit, and had a blast with my family. We all needed the fresh air. Spring always makes me feel alive again. This day is one that will stay in my memory forever. I love this woman with all of my heart. She is a champion.

Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

Guys, my Thanksgiving holiday was truly THE best. Here's why:

The entire setup and most of the group. (Crazy Panorama)

My siblings and I arranged to cook the entire meal by ourselves. We ended up roping my stepdad in to cook the turkey, but other than that, we set everything up, prepared the food and organized the whole day. All my mom had to do was show up and eat. It worked out to be a HUGE success. My mom just hung out while her children prepared food in her kitchen and got everything together. When it was finally ready, I asked her what she thought of the day. And she said, "I should've had you guys making all the food for the past several years. This is really great."

I'm so glad we were able to make her Thanksgiving. She is unable to cook anymore and half of the time she can't even eat anything, so it made me really happy that every single one of my siblings was on board to execute my plan. When I first thought of the idea, I texted my oldest brother and his response was, "OF COURSE, I will make the turkey!!!!"

We had to change those plans because he has 5 kids, and couldn't get there with enough time to cook it, but I loved his enthusiasm. Everyone was the same way. After dinner we all just hung out, watched old home movies, and talked with my mom.

My mom and her newest granddaughter.

My sister, sisters-in-law, mom and me.

I spent the entire next day with my mom. It was nice because I never get time alone with her anymore, and I really wanted it. Also, it allowed my stepdad to get some work done and not have to worry about her for several hours. I cleaned their house and sat with her while she slept. She used all of her energy staying awake on Thanksgiving so she slept almost the entire day Friday. I can't imagine what her life is like anymore. We talked a little bit about how she feels lately, and it's been really hard on her. She can't form a sentence almost 80% of the time now because she can't find the right words to get her thoughts out. Her thoughts are a big jumbled mess. Every now and then she'll be able to say exactly what she means, and it makes her really happy. The rest of the time she's pretty frustrated. I feel so bad. It's amazing what 9 months of time can do to a person. Back in February, she was as she always was -- healthy, vibrant and full of energy.  Nine months later, she's deteriorated quite far. It breaks my heart every time I see her, but I know that she's still my same mom that has always been there.

Despite all this, her hair is finally starting to grow back. It gives me hope that good things are coming.

Saturday, my sister, and one of my sisters-in-law, came back over to my mom's house. We spent the whole day decorating her house for Christmas. We had a lot of help decorating by way of some little elves (three of my nieces), and it was a lot of fun! My mom slept through most of it, but when she woke up and could see it, she made sure to tell us it looked great! Christmas is one of my mom's favorite times of year, so I'm really grateful we were able to get her house all setup for the holiday season.

Mom's tree, freshly decorated by the granddaughters (ages 3-7).

All I want for Christmas this year is for my mom to have a great holiday, and to have vast improvements in her health. She is the most beautiful person I know, and I hope and pray that we'll find a way to get her health to improve. It was such a beautiful Thanksgiving, full of help, service, and family. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I feel rejuvenated and ready for this holiday season!

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

Did I ever mention how much I love Fall? I love the warm tones on all the plant life, crunching through piles of leaves on the ground, the cooler crisp air, the clothes, and jackets!!! I just love this time of year. Maybe it's because my favorite holidays happen in the cooler weather that's coming. Maybe it's just that this time of year always fills me with hope, nostalgia, and I crave family time.

I've always been a huge eye-roller toward bandwagons. The flared pants bandwagon that I swore I'd never ever ever do, but about 9 months later I had a pair of flared leg jeans with a stripe down the side (I was 14... it was the style in the late 90's/2000). I refused to ever wear skinny jeans because they were so tight and weird. I have tiny ankles and thought they would make my feet look like skis. Now they are what I wear 99% of the time and have since 2007. Skinny pants are made for stick legs. I happen to be the proud owner of a pair of very stick-like legs! It's been a match made in heaven.

I still can't seem to jump on the Ugg boots wagon though. I tried... but the cheap ones look awful, and the expensive ones are too pricey. So I just wear my moccasins. And I'm happy that way.

Lately it's the YOLO bandwagon that I have had a tendency to be annoyed by. I feel like YOLO or You Only Live Once is a way to get away with whatever you want and never have to apologize for hurting yourself or anyone else. I know... I'm such a boring grown up.

Well, today I want to stop being against this bandwagon. I think there might be something to this, when used in the right way. This past year has taught me a lot about life, and how even the healthiest of people can become extremely ill and be counting down the days to their end. I don't want to miss anymore of what seems exhilarating but never "for  me." I'm such an anxious person, that I've never gone cliff jumping, or gone for that huge job that I probably won't get any way, or moved to the other side of the world without a single plan in the works for when I get there. I'm the type that gets a job in a city and pays a down payment on a rental, with money I have saved for a few months in advance, before moving.

My mom's cancer has made me feel like I need to be more brave, less cautious, and just go for the gold. I still don't think I want to go sky diving with my husband, but there's a little time to work up to that one.

So today I took a baby step. I was at the grocery store picking up some lunch, and there was an awesome chicken salad snack bowl that had slices of cheese on the side. I started drooling like a Pavlovian dog, and I thought to myself, "I have been craving cheese for weeks but really shouldn't eat it since it hurts my stomach and I've been so good. Just walk away from it Lana." Then I turned and walked away from it.

I didn't get very far before the YOLO shoulder angel popped up and said, "Lana YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Eat the effing cheese and smile through the gas and cramps later!" (In case you're wondering, the YOLO fairy doesn't swear unless it's for something bigger than cheese.)

So I thought... YEAH. YOLO. YOLO!!!!! And I went and bought the dang thing, and ate it and LOVED IT. Sure my stomach hurts now and I am sitting here thinking... SCREW YOU CHEDDAR CHEESE, and screw your amazing delectability! But... at least I got to enjoy me some cheddar cheese for the first time since September.

I think tomorrow I might just go to Animal Ark and hold a tarantula. Or maybe I'll tattoo a picture of my family on my arms and then join a fight club.

Or maybe I'll just throw caution to the wind completely and show up to work at noon without calling in first.
YOLO, EMPLOYER. YOLO.

The possibilities really are endless!

What I'm really getting at is, I have nothing to fear but a life unlived. So... what should I do with all this time since I never know how much I have?

I've had a heavy heart for most of this year. I'm very thankful for the moments that I don't feel it. When my beautiful, talented, loved by all, amazing mother gets diagnosed with a stage 4 brain cancer almost out of nowhere, it's really hard to feel anything but blindsided.

I've had any variation of the following phrases said to me over the past 7 months:

"She's the only one strong enough to handle something like that, she'll come out on top."
"She needs to do A and B and she will beat it, chemo and radiation aren't really the only option." (Oh really? Tell me more about how you beat brain cancer by eating citrus...)
"Just have MORE faith and God will heal her."
"I don't know how you guys handle that, I never would be able to." (I used to say this to myself before all this too.)
"I'm really sorry, just keep your chin up, all will be well."
"That is really hard, I'm really sorry."

I think my favorite one is the last one. Because the truth is, this really, really, REALLY sucks. I've never seen my mom in so much pain. I've never seen my stepdad have so much heartache. I've never seen my siblings or myself have to wonder if cancer will win. I've never had to question all of my faith and wonder if the pit in my stomach will ever leave. I've never had to reassure so many people that know my mom that she will be ok, when I have no idea myself. She is loved by so many people in so many places.

The other truths I am learning from this are:

The world doesn't stop turning when someone is given practically a death sentence.
Miracles can and do happen. 
Miracles won't always happen to you when you need them.
People will sometimes forget that you're walking around carrying an invisible bag of bricks and that at anytime you might fall down from the heavy load.
Someone always has it worse than you do. To those people, I say, "I'm very sorry you have to endure what you are."

My friend Katie, the ever amazing therapist-without-a-therapy-degree, was talking to me the other day. I was telling her of some recent declines in my mom's health, and she said simply (but perfectly), "Wow, what are you going to do?"

I thought for a minute and said, "I guess my only option is to continue on with life. Because I could lay down and be depressed and give up and die, but I'm really healthy and that would be a long, tedious, boring process."

That's a truth of it though. I could let hardship take me down and destroy me, or I could live the rest of my life with my incredibly hilarious husband, our ever-cuddly orange tabby, and whoever else blesses our lives with their presence. I will just have to power through the hardships.

The final truth is, the only thing we can do is persevere. Life will break us down to the very lowest it can, but if we remain when we want to give up, we will eventually see we can do the things we thought we couldn't. It's ok to admit our burden is at times more than we have the strength to carry. That time will come to each of us, that is why we have relationships at all in this life. We are each others' helpmates.

It seems anymore that plans are meant to be demolished with the world's largest wrecking ball. Justin and I left work early last Friday to head down to visit my mom only to be thwarted 5 minutes before arrival at her house. My stepdad called to say she needed to go up to her doctor's office which is 4 hours away from their home and would possibly be staying at the hospital for several days and if we were close, he'd wait to leave until we got there. (This hospital is 40 minutes from our house). We made it just in time to say goodbye and have them leave back in the direction we came from.

Justin and I spent some time cleaning up their house for them and then headed to visit his parents and stay there for the night after just driving the length of the state of Utah. The next afternoon we headed back to our home to get a good night's sleep in our own bed.

Just as we were getting close to home, one of our tires felt wobbly, and we had to pull off the road to check it. A lug nut was missing, and it felt like some were loose. We had just bought new tires a few days before and were pretty frustrated that the guy hadn't screwed our tire on properly, and we could've been in a serious accident. Thankfully, we were close enough to home that we could take city streets home and not be stuck driving on the 80mph roads we were on before.

We got home, and decided to take the car back into the tire store to have them check all the tires and make sure they were secure. The only problem is, it was the weekend and nothing was open in the morning since it was Sunday.  We have two vehicles, but one is not registered because we're selling it. We didn't want to drive the car with the loose wheel up to the hospital on Sunday to see my mom, but we needed to get up there to see her. Also, apparently the train from our area to the hospital where she was doesn't run on Sundays. THANKS FRONTRUNNER. We decided we would just drive the unregistered truck and hope and pray that no one in a police car would notice.

Luckily, we made it up there and back with no further problems (or traffic tickets) and my mom was improving quite nicely from where she was on Friday when they  left. We took the car into the tire place today and they fixed it as well, without making us pay for any further work.

While I didn't get my weekend with my mom that I've been trying to have for over a month... I did get an afternoon with her, and I will have to be grateful for that right now.

I swear life is destined to demolish any plans we make. I think its sole goal is to teach us to laugh and roll with things. Although, after all the madness, I just want to crawl into my bed and take a long Autumn nap. I'm tired of rolling with things, but is there really another option?

It wasn't all a bust though. Justin got a sleeve tattoo from our seven year old niece. See for yourself.

It was so windy in this picture that it looks like I'm in a 1970's jumpsuit instead of my wedding dress.  I SO VERY MUCH LOVE BAD PHOTOS OF US! (this photo has nothing to do with this post, by the way)

This photo has nothing to do with this post. I just love it. Yes, that is a Sea Lion named Shanna.

So... I'll be honest... I HATE THE PHRASE "TENDER MERCIES".

Maybe it's not used much in the outside world of regular people that aren't Mormons. But here in Mormonland, it's used all the time. Sometimes to describe finding a shopping cart abandoned at the grocery store when you are carrying more than your basket can handle... i.e. a gallon of milk on top of produce. (Totally done that before. The gallon of milk thing, not the describing it thing, that was someone else.) Sometimes it's used to describe things that aren't tender mercies... they are just things, like remembering you have no clean undies and you gotta do laundry so you don't go commando in the Lord's house.

Sometimes it's used to describe real, simple happenings that have helped a person out on the worst day of their life, or in the pits of despair. I totally get that tender mercies are real, but something about the phrase just makes me feel like someone's standing in front of me using their "this is my talking to puppies" voice, and their eyes have gotten all glassy, and their pupils have turned to flowers, and all they see are hearts in place of people's eyes.

I know... cartoon morbidity. But really... that's what that phrase does to me. It oozes of soccer mom jeans creepy over the top gushy happiness.

But anyway... Justin and I experienced this very thing one night this year.  And we reminisced about it tonight and both started laughing at the thought of it. Justin happened to bring it up while I had a mouth full of Scope and I nearly swallowed it because I was laughing so hard at the memory.

Here's the rundown:

It was mid-March of this year. (I'm laughing before I even tell you guys what happened... aaaah....)

I had spent the better part of my week crying to Justin, or being tough at the U of U hospital with my mom who had just undergone brain tumor removal on a tumor that had just suddenly appeared and turned out to be a very rapid-growth type of brain cancer. I had spent the day walking around the shops in downtown SLC with Justin as we waited to hear if she was doing ok after surgery. They told us that anything was possible and we shouldn't expect the worst or hope for the best... aka... normal-life or vegetable-ness. So naturally, I couldn't hang out at the hospital waiting. I had to get out of there.

To give you an idea of how awful a week this was, I was walking like I was carrying a backpack equal to my own weight. I'm serious. I passed a mirror in a store and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my reflection. I was hunched like Quasimodo. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, and this particular day it was obvious that something was going on in my life that was awful.

Justin and I were in bed later that night just kind of decompressing from the madness. We fell asleep for about an hour and then he got up to pee. When he got back in bed, he readjusted to a position of comfortable sleep, and then things were quiet. I started to fall back to sleep and right before sleep hit me, something else hit me... well, hit my ears. The loudest possible fart that has ever been heard ripped through the quiet of the night.

A couple seconds of silence lingered before we both busted up laughing so hard that we couldn't contain it and practically started snorting. I had tears streaming out of my eyes and couldn't breathe. And we just kept giggling. Things would die down and we'd be like "ok we need to sleep," and then we'd bust up laughing again. It didn't even smell bad. It just ripped through the night like a chainsaw.

On the worst week of our lives, we were laughing uncontrollably.

I sometimes wonder if God sent that bedsheet-ripping fart to Justin to help us in our time of need, or if it just happened. Either way... as blasphemous as this might seem to you Mormons out there, that is my tender mercy story.

And you can't tell me it wasn't one.  I mean, it was one incredibly mercilous fart.

But seriously.

Life isn't fair, that's one thing I know for sure. It seems sometimes that it's dead set on beating a person down. Someone that didn't deserve it, and really wasn't expecting it.

I wrote this poem tonight during an angry-at-the-universe journaling session. It feels like sometimes that faith isn't enough. I will keep at it though. But honestly, it's not enough sometimes. Things happen and regardless of the faith you have, they will happen and that's life. That's the grit of life. You can't magically erase someone's pain. You can't magically heal cancer. You can just love the person that needs the love, and you can put your head phones on and zone out for an hour with sad music to help you get your emotions out so you won't take them out on your husband in the wrong way.

This is part of what came of my angry-at-the-universe journal session. Analyze it how you wish. This was my very first poem I've ever written just for the hell of it. I don't know why but part of my brain was thinking poetically tonight. Sorry guys, my life is full of greatness and hardships and that's reality. Today happens to be a day with some hardships and I happened to really need to get it down on paper... er... internet paper.

This is the only photo we took of us on our engagement anniversary date. We're lame photographers.

Well, I've been inactive on this blog for most of this month. It's been a busy few weeks! We spent the Independence Day holiday weekend with both of our families, and had a blast. That week we hit up the small town parade where my parents live, watched the firework show on the runway of the Cedar City airport, went to Brian Head to an arts festival (and got a really awesome cheap print of a Navajo painter's work), made a couple special trips to Brad's to get taquitos with cheese (if you've never had taquitos in Southern Utah, you are missing out!), rode the ski lifts up to the top of the mountains to cool off from the 100 degree weather, spent a day at a cabin, and finished the weekend with Sunday dinner at my parents' house. All in all a great Independence week celebration!

I have been so busy with work that I haven't had a chance to post much. I worked days and nights all last week trying to do some international work for our office. It's pretty exciting branching out to places we've never been. I am happy to add work like that to my ever-growing resume even if I pretty much wore myself out getting it all done!

The week before, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary from getting engaged. I am so happy I married this guy. Thanks for proposing on a Friday the 13th! Some would say that means we'll have bad luck, I just say, it's up to us to make our own good luck!

To celebrate this monumental occasion in our lives, we redid our engagement date except one part of it. We hit up Barnes and Noble where we first met on our first date, bought books, and ate at the same restaurant. The only thing we didn't redo was the Thanksgiving Point gardens. It was raining hard, just like it was when we got engaged.

I have some really exciting news I want to share (it's part of the reason I've been avoiding my blog), but you all just have to wait another week until it's a for sure thing and I can talk about it. Until then, enjoy these pictures from our fun Independence holiday week. It was so nice having a 5 day weekend!

Parade Pair

Where we watched the firework show.

On the way down. Brian Head chairlift.

Incredible view of the area. Brian Head chairlift.

Aren't we a pair of cute feet? Brian Head chairlift.

Daisies everywhere at 11,000 feet. Brian Head.

Where the Sidewalk Ends. A walk around my hometown.

My favorite picture - My sis-in-law took it. My mom is an excellent grandma.

Cabin scenery.

Cabin Scenery.

Cabin scenery.

Taken near Meadow, UT. Utah sure is beautiful sometimes.

One more thing... My mom had another clean MRI! I am so grateful for miracles. She has worked very hard through all her treatments and is being rewarded for it. I couldn't be any happier right now about this! I swear this is a great month we're in so far. I'm just full of great news and fun things happening.

Whew! I think I covered everything I wanted to write about!

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Tonight I feel very reflective, contemplative, inquisitive and explorative. I know, it's a lot. This happens on occasion. I've been thinking a lot about what makes each of us important, valuable, beautiful, and of great worth?

Is it our religious beliefs or lack thereof? Is it our talents, or lack thereof? Is it our ability to work hard, or not work at all? Is it having this hair style and these clothes, or not caring at all what anyone is wearing or who made what? Is it saying these things, or saying what you're not supposed to?

I think a lot about this lately, and I can only answer those questions this way... you are important because you are. You are valuable because you are.
You are.

I wonder often how my mom feels when she looks in the mirror and doesn't see the person she has known, but sees a new form of herself she never expected to see. Hairless, fatigued, and whatever else she feels. But that's not her... she is the strongest person I know and every time I see or think of her, I am reminded of what amazing stock I came from. Her life is what makes her, well, her. Your life is what makes you, well, you.

Sometimes it seems as if our world is designed to wreck us, but there are so many beautiful things out there that can keep that from happening. One of my favorite quotes that I've had since I was 16 (that wretched time of life when fitting in is all that seems to matter) was perfectly said by E. E. Cummings:

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you like everyone else, is the hardest battle you can fight--never stop fighting."

This couldn't be more relevant to me than it is now. I know this is the transcendentalist in me talking, but I don't see the point in being another way. People are all inherently good, some have just forgotten their value, or how to be the good that they were.  There are so many different types of people in this world, and when I stop and think about all the cultures, and appearances, and colors, and dialects... it all just makes me feel grateful. Grateful that I can be here with the opportunity to experience all of this beautiful diversity. We are all valuable because we were all created, every single one of us.

Who can really say whether art isn't art? Therefore, who can really say whether beauty isn't beauty or whether something isn't valuable?

So, Utah is in a bit of a drought and several cities are restricting water usage to prevent from drying up the wells.

Well, this morning as I watched the below video, I think I cried enough tears to fill them back up. This video has been circulating through the Mormon boards on Pinterest. I have been meaning to watch it since Jeffrey R. Holland always knows the right things to say. I am so glad I made time for it this morning. I needed this message more than I can say. I hope that you take the 45 minutes to hear the full message. God loves us, and will help us triumph over our adversities. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's not just hard, it's miserable or scary or agonizing or terrible. I am thankful to know I have help when those times come.

When my mom was about to have her brain surgery in March, I was a bit of a mess. I sought refuge in the scriptures because I have found they calm me down when I feel anxious. During this time, I stumbled upon this scripture:

D&C 121:7-8 "My son [or daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have read and reread this scripture many nights since I found it. It has become one of my favorites through the hardships that come and go. I know that we are never left alone to rot in our own "liberty jails", and that God is with us and will help us triumph over our foes that life brings up. If you have any extra time, please watch the video. I promise you won't regret it.

So, good things are happening. Justin got home from Military duty, which means I no longer have to sleep with all the lights on in the house, a hammer and pepper spray on my nightstand, and I no longer hear the noises our neighbors make when walking through their house (which sounds like they're walking through MY HOUSE... not fun).

My mom keeps getting healthier! Her followup MRI was last week the day before her birthday, and we were all praying it was a good birthday present...

AND IT WAS!!!!! BRAIN SCAN WAS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! 

At a family get together right before her birthday. She looks so beautiful and healthy!

Can I get like 5,000 hallelujah shouts from you guys for this? Now we can all breathe for half the summer until her next one. She is seriously a fighter. I am grateful everyday that she is my mother, and that for her 58th birthday she was given great news! Now she can enjoy her summer, even with a little chemo now and then, and continue to get stronger. She's eating more and more solid food, and using the feeding tube less and less. She even managed to do some housework yesterday. It wasn't easy but it was possible. BIG STEPS people, these big steps are awesome!
You know my post on faith from 2 weeks ago? I can assure you I am still learning what faith can do. I don't know if my prayers were the healing magic for her. I just know that faith is necessary for our survival as people. How on earth would we get through tragedy if we didn't have faith that WE would be ok in the end? Seeing my mom's unwavering faith through this whole mess, and through her whole life has proved to me that we must have faith, there is no other option that will help us.

Thank you for all your help for our family. People are feeding my stepdad and my younger siblings that are at home almost everyday. Our neighbor has taken over the yard work for my parents. My mom usually had an amazing garden and took care of the yard as her hobby, and our kind neighbors have taken over this duty, voluntarily.

Everyone helped me make a "Why Mary is awesome" book for her birthday. She told me yesterday she has read, and reread the book several times and just loves it. So thank you for helping me make that possible for her.

I am grateful right now, for the relief from the stress that has come. For the past 3 months we've all been on edge wondering what would happen. And now I feel sweet relief from the worry. Even if the hard times will come again, I am thankful for this calm time now.

It allows me to stop and enjoy the peaceful sounds of the birds in the trees out my window, the purring of my over-cuddly cat next to me, and the sunshine shining in from my bedroom window onto my bed.

Such a lovely morning.

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Well, for those of you looking for an update on my mom, I have excellent news!

SHE IS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!

Huntsman Cancer Center really knows how to take care of people. After 10 days in hospitals (and only 2 at the Huntsman center) she has been released and is slowly getting stronger with the help of home health nurses.

Thank you for all of your prayers, positive thoughts, and help. There are so many people who helped and spent time with my mom while she was there and during all of this crazy cancer stuff. You are angels that live on Earth and you have done so much for my mom and our family. I am so grateful for you.

If you are able, please continue your prayers and positive thoughts! She still has a long road to recovery back to normal but she is out of the woods for now.

I love simple victories in life!!! I am happy.

And exhausted.

This is my recuperate-from-stress weekend. I might work on my chair that I'm fixing up, or I might just lie here like a zombie and watch tv until my body decides it has recovered. The possibilities are endless!

Oh and today I bought this cute little succulent garden in a pot! It looks good with my paintings doesn't it? (Don't mind the long overdue need to dust. Dusting is not my hobby.)