I hope you all had a blast on Valentine's day last weekend. It was nice that it ended up being on a Friday. MUCH easier for romancing the night away!

Justin and I aren't huge celebrators of Valentine's day, so we just got each other some simple gifts, and had planned to do something silly that night, like go to the family trampoline gym. He had to go out of town for some stuff the night before and had to take our only car. He was on his way back on Valentine's day when our car just stopped shifting gears, and wouldn't go above 2nd gear. This is kind of a huge problem when you live in a driving state. He called a local tow company, and they wouldn't be able to get our car home until Saturday due to the busy Valentine's holiday. They did have a loaner car he could use, so he said he'd borrow that so he could get the rest of the way home.

The car was incredible... or not. When he finally was on the road again, he called me to tell me he was more scared to drive that car than our car with engine trouble. One of the headlights was out, the car rattled like crazy and creaked like the axles would fall off at highway speeds. It was windy and he said it felt like the car couldn't fight back against the wind. It also was filthy everywhere you looked. Not just a little dirty, but like YEARS of grime and filth that came off on his clothes. But hey, when you're in a bind you will drive whatever you can!

So we 're in the process of trying to find out what is wrong with our car. We couldn't get it into a mechanic over the weekend because the towing company delivered it 8 hours later than promised. I seriously want to dispute the charge from our payment, but I'm still debating it. Just NEVER use A-1 Towing in central Utah. They are terrible at managing their customers. We had to call them like 5 or 6 times just to get them to communicate with us about where our car was and when it would be delivered Then they kept calling to ask if they could deliver it to a random place that wasn't anywhere near our home.

We secretly hoped they'd just ruin my car so we could get a new one for practically free! But alas, they delivered it in one piece. HA!

Right now we're renting a Jeep Compass (free upgrade when the rental place was out of compacts...SCORE!) to get around and it is super nice. I'm actually tempted to buy one of these soon and get rid of my car that I've had for 5 years.

Anyhow, this little beater loaner car was so funny. It has well over 200,000 miles on it and is super beat up. It made me feel like we were on a date in sophomore year of highschool. We did a late night run to Mickey D's and giggled the whole time about how fun it was when we were both 15 to even have a friend with a car, it didn't even matter if it was a disgusting, dangerous beast of a car.

I love our stressful, silly adventures. Let's hope the expenses to fix our car are not terrible.

I'm kind of kicking myself right now for not trading in my car 2 months ago when Justin and I were thinking of buying a new one. Where's Alanis Morrisette when I need her? This story should be in one of her songs. "It's a dropped transmission, when you could've had a new car, and isn't it ironic, don't ya think?"

We call her Blue Thunder. Ain't she a beauty? (His face speaks volumes about how he feels.)

Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

So... sometimes we hang out with my little, teenage (bigger than me) brothers. We are all soooooooo cool. I love this time of year, and taking off a lot of work so I can have time to bother them with my camera.

May your day be filled with the best parts of life and those that matter most to you. Merry Christmas from us, to you.

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

So I'm off to spend the next week with family and relax before 2013 comes to end.

I don't have a lot to write. Work has been insane. Job security, but awfully busy and miserable. But tonight was our work party, and it was at the Grand America hotel in SLC. Fancy and fantastic. It's crazy how well our company is doing these days. I'm lucky to have such a great job at the moment, but I couldn't be more excited for a week off with my family right now.

I. AM. BURNED. OUT.

So... here is a before and after photo sequence of a chair I redid this year and have been meaning to share with you all. This will suffice as a post for now! It was a super cheap thrift store chair that must have come from a huge set of old office chairs because there were several of them.

I had to rip off all the gross fabric (2 different layers of it), rip off the dirty 50 year old foam that was full of skin cells of tons of people and put new foam and fabric on. It was.... GROSS. Justin bought me a simple staple gun, and some gloves and I dug in. It looks great now! If I could do it again, I'd have bought more than just one!

So what do you think?

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

Guys, my Thanksgiving holiday was truly THE best. Here's why:

The entire setup and most of the group. (Crazy Panorama)

My siblings and I arranged to cook the entire meal by ourselves. We ended up roping my stepdad in to cook the turkey, but other than that, we set everything up, prepared the food and organized the whole day. All my mom had to do was show up and eat. It worked out to be a HUGE success. My mom just hung out while her children prepared food in her kitchen and got everything together. When it was finally ready, I asked her what she thought of the day. And she said, "I should've had you guys making all the food for the past several years. This is really great."

I'm so glad we were able to make her Thanksgiving. She is unable to cook anymore and half of the time she can't even eat anything, so it made me really happy that every single one of my siblings was on board to execute my plan. When I first thought of the idea, I texted my oldest brother and his response was, "OF COURSE, I will make the turkey!!!!"

We had to change those plans because he has 5 kids, and couldn't get there with enough time to cook it, but I loved his enthusiasm. Everyone was the same way. After dinner we all just hung out, watched old home movies, and talked with my mom.

My mom and her newest granddaughter.

My sister, sisters-in-law, mom and me.

I spent the entire next day with my mom. It was nice because I never get time alone with her anymore, and I really wanted it. Also, it allowed my stepdad to get some work done and not have to worry about her for several hours. I cleaned their house and sat with her while she slept. She used all of her energy staying awake on Thanksgiving so she slept almost the entire day Friday. I can't imagine what her life is like anymore. We talked a little bit about how she feels lately, and it's been really hard on her. She can't form a sentence almost 80% of the time now because she can't find the right words to get her thoughts out. Her thoughts are a big jumbled mess. Every now and then she'll be able to say exactly what she means, and it makes her really happy. The rest of the time she's pretty frustrated. I feel so bad. It's amazing what 9 months of time can do to a person. Back in February, she was as she always was -- healthy, vibrant and full of energy.  Nine months later, she's deteriorated quite far. It breaks my heart every time I see her, but I know that she's still my same mom that has always been there.

Despite all this, her hair is finally starting to grow back. It gives me hope that good things are coming.

Saturday, my sister, and one of my sisters-in-law, came back over to my mom's house. We spent the whole day decorating her house for Christmas. We had a lot of help decorating by way of some little elves (three of my nieces), and it was a lot of fun! My mom slept through most of it, but when she woke up and could see it, she made sure to tell us it looked great! Christmas is one of my mom's favorite times of year, so I'm really grateful we were able to get her house all setup for the holiday season.

Mom's tree, freshly decorated by the granddaughters (ages 3-7).

All I want for Christmas this year is for my mom to have a great holiday, and to have vast improvements in her health. She is the most beautiful person I know, and I hope and pray that we'll find a way to get her health to improve. It was such a beautiful Thanksgiving, full of help, service, and family. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I feel rejuvenated and ready for this holiday season!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I'm too busy cooking food, and eating it to write a real post. So you get THIS DELIGHTFUL GEM OF A PHOTO. (I save my best work for when I'm not salivating over turkey!) Don't forget to tell everyone how grateful you are for them today.

I'm just happy my whole family gathered together this year to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom. I am so thankful for my loved ones. I couldn't handle life without them!

What are you thankful for this year?

Leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you on this lovely holiday!

You know how we all love vacations from work right? Well... does anyone else have to work all those vacation hours you are planning on taking before you even go on a vacation?

Sometimes I feel like my job is so busy that if I want any days off, I have to work all those hours prior to taking them off. For example, I get two days off this week for the Thanksgiving holiday.

YES!!!!!

BUT... Saturday I worked a full day at my house. Sunday too. So technically, I should be getting 2 extra paid days this week instead of just the two I'm not working because of the holiday.

Does anyone want to let my boss know? HAHA...NOT (yeah I just said NOT). I love my job, but sometimes I just need to not have to burn myself out just so I can take a day off. But hey, all complaining aside, it's job security and I really love that about it. Plus, they do take care of us in other ways, so I can't complain too much, right?

It could be worse. I could be a manure scooper at a ranch. Or I could be a drive-thru clerk at Weinerschnitzel (does anyone actually eat there?). So I will just take this Thanksgiving week to say this:

I am extremely grateful that I have a job that keeps me busy and helps me pay my bills. It adds to my ever-expanding resume constantly, and that is something that doesn't happen too often in today's job market. So, I actually do have a great job and I'm VERY grateful they've loved me for the past 4.5 years.

I'm just tired...REALLY TIRED... and ready to see my whole family, stuff my mouth with turkey, gravy, pie and potatoes and not have a single care in the world except, "PIE...MMMM...GOOD."

*SIGH*

2 more days.

In other news... when I took a few hours break from working on Saturday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen in almost 7 or 8 years. She just moved to the area and I am excited she's here!
I just love reunions with great people.

I stole this photo from her Instagram. Aren't we a lovely pair?

Did I ever mention how much I love Fall? I love the warm tones on all the plant life, crunching through piles of leaves on the ground, the cooler crisp air, the clothes, and jackets!!! I just love this time of year. Maybe it's because my favorite holidays happen in the cooler weather that's coming. Maybe it's just that this time of year always fills me with hope, nostalgia, and I crave family time.

MUST BUY ALL THE THINGS!!!! GRRRR...

So with all this hullabaloo going on about Black Friday extending into Thursday this year to allow for more shopping madness, it kind of makes me angry. What is wrong with America? Maybe stuff like this happens in other countries too, but I live here so I'm complaining about here. America you are ridiculous. I love you, but sometimes I don't like you. Wasn't the first Thanksgiving about sitting down to eat and celebrate the successful harvest by not working or doing anything crazy?

Thanksgiving happens to be one of my favorite holidays. Maybe it's the food that makes me love it, or maybe it's the fact that my mom and I can be found pulling out 500 piece puzzles and attempting to do one of them throughout an entire day. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know what it isn't. And it isn't BLACK FRIDAY.

Black Friday is a grotesque display of how awful Americans can be. I love America, but I don't like certain things that are becoming the norm.

BLACK FRIDAY IS DUMB.

I mean that, and yes I wrote it like I was yelling. I want to stand in the middle of the mall like a crazy protester with signs and say, "GO HOME AND STOP BEING SO DUMB."

I know that Black Friday is a great day to get great deals. But why do you need to go through all that drama to get all that crap? Whatever happened to making memories with your family that don't involve shopping malls during the holiday season? I mean do people even know what the holiday season is about anymore? Or is the holiday season now just about shopping for new crap? New plastic pieces of technology to fill our brains with nonsense and kill our ability to concentrate, new clothes that look great, but only until fashion designers say in 3 months it is out of style, new crap that will sit on shelves in your home and turn you into a hoarder?

Don't get me wrong, I love technology. It's an amazing invention. I love giving and receiving gifts. I love buying new things that I need and want. But I refuse to stand in a huge line like a ravenous wolf after my prey when I buy things. I HATE STORES FROM NOVEMBER TO JANUARY. It's like normal humans turn into salivating dogs at the ring of Pavlov's bell when the fourth Friday in November rolls around. Wasn't it just last year or the year before that a woman started pepper-spraying the crowd around her to keep them away from what she wanted to buy? WHO EVEN DOES THAT?

I seriously can't stand it. STOP BUYING THINGS YOU CRAZY WOLVES! If you can't be nice, and mentally stable during November and December, you're not allowed outside of your home.

Acting out the Christmas Story from the Bible.

I miss being oblivious to Black Friday. I was young enough that I didn't know that stuff was going on. I just knew that Christmas time was magic. Christmas lights were everywhere, the tree decorated in our home, we always had a fire going in our fireplace because it's cold out, and the air gets crisp and cold. My church youth group would deliver gifts to and visit with the elderly of our neighborhoods. Every time I would come home from school my mom would have a spice candle burning, and christmas music on the stereo. She would make chocolate mint treats, and we would prepare for the most magical night of the year. A night that would never allow me to sleep, because my stomach would be too full of butterflies to be able to sleep.

Usually that night of angst was preceded by a fancy candlelit dinner. This is my favorite Christmas tradition. Every Christmas Eve my mom cooks a nice ham or something fancy and we eat by candelight. Usually the candles would get blown out half way through and the lights would be back on... having 5 brothers makes for some little pyro-maniacs at the table messing with the fire. It was fun while it lasted though! Then we'd all read the Christmas story from the Bible and get ready for bed. This is still the best memory for me of Christmas. It's still magical to me because I crave family time during the holiday season.

I am so excited for this weekend. I can't wait for the feast, the family, and the Friday off work (but it won't involve anything black). I am also very excited for Christmas this year! It is my first Christmas living with Justin and our 3rd since we got together. Sure we kind of have no surprises this year for Christmas, but that's because we both needed some things so we just bought them for each other. But who cares, I don't love Christmas for the gifts. I love it for the magic-ness that it brings. I can't wait for us to start our own traditions and have many more holiday seasons to come. We already set up our tree and it's cute! It's small, and sparsely decorated, but every ornament is from a place we've been or something we've done. It's a sentimental tree that will get more additions to it as our lives progress.

What about you? What are your favorite holiday season traditions, memories, or crazy stories?