Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

So, Utah is in a bit of a drought and several cities are restricting water usage to prevent from drying up the wells.

Well, this morning as I watched the below video, I think I cried enough tears to fill them back up. This video has been circulating through the Mormon boards on Pinterest. I have been meaning to watch it since Jeffrey R. Holland always knows the right things to say. I am so glad I made time for it this morning. I needed this message more than I can say. I hope that you take the 45 minutes to hear the full message. God loves us, and will help us triumph over our adversities. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's not just hard, it's miserable or scary or agonizing or terrible. I am thankful to know I have help when those times come.

When my mom was about to have her brain surgery in March, I was a bit of a mess. I sought refuge in the scriptures because I have found they calm me down when I feel anxious. During this time, I stumbled upon this scripture:

D&C 121:7-8 "My son [or daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have read and reread this scripture many nights since I found it. It has become one of my favorites through the hardships that come and go. I know that we are never left alone to rot in our own "liberty jails", and that God is with us and will help us triumph over our foes that life brings up. If you have any extra time, please watch the video. I promise you won't regret it.

Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from: http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.

Right before brain surgery

So... my mom only has 2 more weeks of her awful radiation and chemotherapy sessions, and then she gets a much needed break. She'll get to go home and be with our family that are still living there, and be where she belongs and get to rest! It's been hard watching her do the hard thing, and go through treatment. It has been a battle for her for sure, and there are times where I know she feels like quitting because it is a huge burden to bear. Chemotherapy and radiation are killing treatments. They are not designed to make you feel better while doing them. They are designed to kill cancer. My mom is an inspiration, even if she's not trying to be one. She is tough, and driven, and amazing. She is one of a kind, and I thank God everyday for watching over her always.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and help. Thank you for driving her to and from her home each Friday so she can spend 48 hours where she lives before she starts treatment again on Mondays. Thank you for making dinners for my stepdad, and brothers and sister. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your hugs! Thank you for loving my mom, and our family.

These past 2 months I've spent a lot of time in prayer, or contemplation. Justin has helped me through sad days, and I'm so grateful for him. I am so thankful that our Savior, Jesus, atoned for the heartaches of this world, so that I could know I'm never alone in challenges, and that all of those around me are never alone in theirs. It boggles my mind to understand the concept of the atonement, but the more life I live, and the more pain people I love go through, I am ever grateful that someone was willing to say, "Here am I, send me. I will suffer for them."

Cancer is a stupid worthless thing, but it has reminded me of what's truly important, and that is family and loved ones.  I am so grateful to know that while everything else in this life disappears or ends, we never can lose who we are, or who we love. It's such a beautiful design. I'm reminded of the scripture in the New Testament of the Bible, in Matthew 6:19-20,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal, For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I found a song on my playlist of "unlistened to songs" that I go through from time to time. It is by Greg Laswell, the lyrics are sad, but the song is beautiful and has stirred up emotions in me, related to my mom's cancer, the few times I listened to it over the past little while. The first time I heard it was while driving to the hospital to visit her the day before her brain tumor surgery. Needless to say, I ended up in full blown tears. Also, this video I found for it on Youtube is beautiful. Whoever did the animation is a genius.



Let me know what you think of the song, my writing, or anything in general. :)