They say never go to bed angry.
They say never get a king size bed.

Some say in order to stay together you should never keep secrets.
Others say in order to stay together you have to have your own things.

Here's what I say:

If you don't go to bed angry you'll stay up until 3 am fighting. Because fighting when tired breeds more fighting, until neither of you even know what you're talking about and you're just fighting because you're tired.

A king size bed allows us to feel like we have all the space in the world to sleep without anybody waking the other up. And we both REALLY value our sleep, so we need this. However, every morning we wake up piled in the middle of our massive bed. So get a king size bed, and use the crap out of it. You'll still love each other, that is, if you loved each other already.

My last piece of advice is this:

The couple that laughs together, lasts together. Nothing gets you through life better than a good laugh.  Tell me the last time you didn't enjoy a good giggle fest, laugh-a-thon or giant guffaw.

You can't, because everyone enjoys laughing. It happens because you're happy. Even if you're laughing at the end of the worst possible day and it couldn't get any worse, you laugh because deep down inside, there's a tiny shred of you that can see that it is somehow going to be ok.

I think I'll open a clinic down the street dedicated to laughter therapy. And no one will have to pay unless I got them to chuckle at least a little.

I don't think we've gone a single day of our marriage without the tiniest of chuckles. No one appreciates my dad-like sense of humor like he does. And no one can get me to laugh until I can't breathe as often as he can. We're two peas in a giggling pod.  See for yourself below.

(Pardon the blurred photos. We aren't able to focus a camera whilst taking selfies. Yeah, I said whilst. I say whilst, when I'm feeling good. Must be all this laughter therapy going on.)

Journal Series:

Monday, January 27, 2014.

I sit here tonight from the comfort of my bed and it's only 8:45 PM. Sometimes you just need to wrap up in your cozy blankets, turn on some Bob Dylan and write. I am so thankful for the life I have right now. I am blessed with so many things that I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have. But... as most extroverts do, I will try.

Sometimes life gets routine, day in and day out, same old story and it can feel like you're just passing time without really living. However, if you look at each day, and really look, you will see the good in it all. I got this lesson from my new favorite movie - About Time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The biggest lesson in the movie is this: Live each day as if you're going back to it and living it on purpose.

Today I really thought about this. It was a typical Monday at work, super hard to wake up because my bed is the most comfortable bed on the planet. I didn't sleep that well because my big, orange cat woke me up at about 4 AM. He was in the middle of convulsing off the side of our bed. The weird thing was, whose cat is smart enough to lean OFF the bed to puke? I swear I have the two smartest cats in the world living in my house. The little white one? He can meow back when you sing to him. He can also bring you his mouse and drop it at your feet when he wants to play.

So, I shoved Mr. Spewer off the bed and let him out of the room so he could go puke outside. Then I had to clean it up. He never pukes, that was a super weird thing to have happen. He's usually just a little cuddle bug all night.

Anyway, Monday was as it always is at work... everything I wanted to get done got shoved to the side so I could get everything else that went crazy done instead. I finished up work and left with Justin. I'm so grateful we work in such close proximity so we can share one car and really save money for our dreams.

Then, when we got home I cooked a fantastic simple meal, and we had a mini-marathon of That 70's Show on Netflix and laughed our heads off while sprawling out on our couch, each of us to an end with our feet crammed in the middle. Then afterward, Justin chased the two cats around the house. The little, white one chasing his mouse and leaping like he was on a springboard. The big, orange one playing tag with Justin from room to room.

My life is sweet and blissful. I am so lucky that I get to live it. I love my little family. Nothing makes me feel better than laughter and peace. I'm lucky that I get to have this right now. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to my God and to the universe tonight for allowing me to have these moments. I am happy.

Good night, and sweet dreams. (If it's day time when you read this, I hope your day is filled with every thing/person you love and hope for.)

Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

I have an issue with the media lately... again. Or maybe I grew up.

Here's why:

Found this on HM.com

This girl is beautiful, and she probably has a killer, silly personality. But marketing and media don't let that show. Right now I don't want to be this girl, I want nothing to do with her. She looks timid, and unsure of herself, and I don't want to feel that way if I wear what she's wearing. Everywhere I go lately the models in catalogs and in advertisements look like they aren't real. If you want me to buy your products and wear your clothes, you have got to show me that doing so makes my life amazing.

What I want to see is a woman posed in an outfit as if she's in her regular life. I want to see her doing something mundane and looking fabulous in regular clothes. I will never wear stiletto heels  and a crop top to grocery shop, or get my mail. I work in an office, not a club. Can we please see real women doing real woman things?

I tried to find an advertisement that showed a realistic situation, that is really positive and the woman looks great. But I can't. You cannot feign confidence and happiness. You cannot fake love.

You can't fake this:

There seems to be an unspoken rule among women that you're not supposed to know you have a great body, or that you're skinny, or that you think you're pretty. It's like we're all supposed to join together and hate our bodies, but if someone compliments us on how we look thinner, we're supposed to feel AMAZING! It's weird. What if I know I'm skinny already?

I've been a twig my whole life. My mom has been a twig her whole life. My grandma has too. I come from a long line of twigs. Still don't believe me? Go look at my little brothers. One is 6'7" and is lean and hipster looking. (He has luscious shoulder length hair that accentuates his cheek bones. The girls at his high school must be piles of goo when he walks by.)

Here are a few of my favorite (read: annoying) things that have happened in relation to my weight:

I was emailed once through Facebook by a girl in my church. She had been suffering from bulimia, and was positive I was anorexic because I'm very thin. She told me if I ever wanted to talk to her about my eating disorder, she would be all ears because she understood. HAHAHA... thanks for the help, girlfriend.

A boy entering my apartment with his friends sees me walk into the room, "Whoa, do you eat... ever?"
No, I'm the only person alive who doesn't need food to survive. I'm a magical unicorn of sorts. Here, take a picture with me so you can tell all your friends!

A former boss said to me one day while in his office, "Hey, you look like a concentration camp victim." And then laughed. That one actually got to me. I went to lunch, called my mom and bawled. That is not a compliment sir, you said I look like a walking corpse. SO not a compliment.

The list of these goes on and on. I thought being skinny is what every girl wants? Why is it so weird to people then when they see someone thin?

The truth is, there's a lot of things that keep me skinny. When I'm emotionally stressed, I'm not hungry. So if I ever go through something hard, I drop 10-15 pounds over about 6 months. It usually takes me the following year or two to put those damn pounds back on, so I'm never happy about the weight I lost. The other truth is, my genetics are small-boned, tall, lean frames. Even when I do gain weight, I'm still a size 3.

I think it would be so much better if people really could accept everyone regardless of size. Larger people want to be accepted for their weight and shape. Why can't people accept tiny, skinny people?

Here's what's happening in my head now... I no longer care if I look skinny. There are outfits that I used to avoid because they elongated my figure or made me look flatter chested. There are hairstyles I avoided because they made my cheekbones more pronounced and you could see my long thin neck. I just don't care anymore. I am a twig-like female. I'm actually really grateful for this twiggy frame I've been given. It's come in handy if I ever needed to squeeze through a fence! It's also come in handy because it's healthy. I am a healthy, happy, human being, and I love myself more and more the older I get. I even embraced my natural dirty blond hair color this year. THAT is confidence, kids.

I'm not posting this to brag, or to say my life has been hard as a thin person. I'm just posting it because I don't care anymore what anyone thinks.

Hi, My name is Lana and I'm naturally skinny. I can eat carbs all day and not get fat.

And I like it.

But that's not all that defines me... in fact I prefer not to define myself by my size. I prefer to define myself by my talents and what I have to offer the world.

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

Life isn't fair, that's one thing I know for sure. It seems sometimes that it's dead set on beating a person down. Someone that didn't deserve it, and really wasn't expecting it.

I wrote this poem tonight during an angry-at-the-universe journaling session. It feels like sometimes that faith isn't enough. I will keep at it though. But honestly, it's not enough sometimes. Things happen and regardless of the faith you have, they will happen and that's life. That's the grit of life. You can't magically erase someone's pain. You can't magically heal cancer. You can just love the person that needs the love, and you can put your head phones on and zone out for an hour with sad music to help you get your emotions out so you won't take them out on your husband in the wrong way.

This is part of what came of my angry-at-the-universe journal session. Analyze it how you wish. This was my very first poem I've ever written just for the hell of it. I don't know why but part of my brain was thinking poetically tonight. Sorry guys, my life is full of greatness and hardships and that's reality. Today happens to be a day with some hardships and I happened to really need to get it down on paper... er... internet paper.

Aren't we cute?

So I've been married to my husband for over a year now. By the time you read this it will be a few days past our actual anniversary. We are celebrating our anniversary later, where we'll be off on an adventure, so the day of our anniversary is just relaxing.

I am cooking ribs (for the first time ever!), corn on the cob, and some homemade french fries... the kind with potato skins on them. I'm super excited. I seem to always follow recipes quite well so this should be a breeze.

I would've posted this the day of our anniversary, but I already had the house pictures post up, and that took sooooo long to do, that I put this off until later. You see, my life gets busy so if I don't write a bunch of blog posts at one time, I may not get much of them done during the week. I'm one of those pre-blogger bloggers. Thank heavens for being able to schedule posts!

So here is a short list of what I've learned in our short year together:

1. A perfect day can go south because of a bad facial expression, or an accidental irritable tone of voice...because marriage is FUN & EASY ALL THE TIME!

2. We both know how to instantly forgive and forget to protect our sanity. You have to remember to do both parts, people. You can't just forgive and keep remembering. Marriage isn't about finding someone who will never hurt you ever. It's about forgiving them when they DO hurt you. We've both done things intentionally and unintentionally that caused the other a little pain. Just let it go, that's the only way to survive. We're all human.

3. Our cat is our child.

4. People ALWAYS want to know why we don't have kids or aren't making one yet. In fact, the pressure started when we were engaged. People told us if we didn't ask God when we should have them that we were not being good Mormon people. First off... never mind, I can't say it out loud on the internet. My answer is, it's none of your business, folks. When you see my Facebook feed fill up with pregnancy photos, then you'll be able to answer the question you should be keeping to yourself anyway. Besides, if you must ask, the question shouldn't be WHEN it should be 'Are you guys thinking about having children?' Then we'll answer, "yes". And then you can keep the WHEN to yourself, because again, it's none of your business. [End Rant]

5. Never compare your relationship to another. The same two people that are in yours, are not in theirs. It's a whole different ballgame. Your marriage may be football, theirs may be chinese checkers. Different game, different rules. 

6. Everyone starts the marriage off with the 3 month food/tv/cuddle fest binge. Then you realize, "Holy crap we are the laziest piles of garbage ever, let's start planning dates! Wait... I'm tired, movie night on the couch again?"

7. Buying a house together was a freakin' blast, and a freakin' challenge. Our peaks of excitement matched our valleys of fights.

8. Suddenly I'm willing to not control as much so that my husband is happier.

9. I need to learn to put my shoes away. Seriously. What IS my problem?

10. A clean house keeps both of us happier and more productive. He taught me that.

11. At the end of our first year, we're still in love, and definitely don't want to murder each other. I'd chalk it up to a majorly successful year! Wouldn't you?

I like to spend time on the TED.com website every now and then. I chose to watch videos under the "courageous" section tonight and I found this.



I felt like sharing this because I have friends and family who are, or have been, in a relationship like this. Maybe not as violent, maybe more violent. I feel it is a very important subject that should never be taboo.

So... Why do women stay?

I have never been physically abused by a person who I was dating or related to. But, I have been emotionally abused. I used to say, "I would never stay if I was treated like that." But the truth is... I was, and the truth is, I stayed for 2 years. I have friends and family who have been physically beaten by the person that swore to love them.  I may have friends who are too wrapped up in "crazy love" to realize what is happening to them yet, or some that can't tell anyone yet but ache to be relieved of this burden.

One of my friends opened up to me a while ago about their violent marriage, and aside from being shocked because I knew them both fairly well, I felt like a terrible friend for never seeing any signs and helping them earlier. The truth is, this is more common than some of us think. And friends, if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I will not judge you, or think you are weak. But I will listen and try to help you get out.

I, thankfully, got out and found that I was worthy of kind, good, loving men. My husband is strong, and can fight a good fight with the best of them, but he would NEVER abuse me in any way. I am so grateful to know that he is my protector, and that I am safe with him emotionally and physically. I hope that we can all find that.

Nobody deserves to be battered.

It has been a while... AGAIN. What a busy month this has been! I am stockpiling photos of our new house so when I finally get a moment to upload them and do a massive "we finally moved in" post I promise you'll get to see it all! Unfortunately, that is not the case today.

Today I was fortunate enough to attend the funeral of a man I didn't know very well, but this man was my grandpa. All I knew of him was that he was a hard working cattle rancher and that he thought the world of my mother (most people do).  He is married to a woman that is unlike no other, and that is my Granny Franny. You will find no kinder woman on this planet than Fran. I am so lucky to be her granddaughter.

As I sat at this funeral, I felt out of place. I felt like it almost wasn't my family. You see, it's the side of my family that doesn't socialize. My dad's side of my family never gets together... and by never I mean this is the first time in my 29 years of life that I have been in the same room as all of my relatives on that side of my family. And if history is any indicator of how things will go in the future, it is probably also the last.

Grandpa Ira

My mom would take us to see my grandparents every Christmas so I spent a lot of time with them in my life. However, my Grandpa Ira wasn't home a lot of the time when we went. He was a very busy cattle rancher, and a successful one at that! Also, most of the relatives were never around when I visited, and because my parents were divorced by the time I was two years old, I never really spent any time at all with my cousins. Up until a month or so ago I wouldn't have even been able to point out a single one of them in a crowd.

Ever since my mom's diagnosis of brain cancer back in March, I have been thinking a lot about what really matters in this life and that is my family and friendships. I decided to search out some of my cousins... really the only ones I knew of. And I found 3 of them on Facebook as well as their dad. It was nice to form some sort of connection to that side of my genetics. Earlier this year I was disappointed to find that the entire side of my paternal ancestry charts are empty, but records have been done for my mother's side and are completely filled out back about 9 to 12 generations. I started digging to find people, and was barely able to find a single person past my dad.

As I sat at this funeral for my dad's stepfather who had been around practically his entire life, I wondered what I'd missed out on by not being a regular participant of this side of my relatives' lives. As people got up and spoke their remarks about what a great man, father, grandfather he was, I felt a little shafted. I didn't get to know him. Part of that is my fault since I've been an adult for 10 years and could've made more of an effort. One of my cousins got up and gave a beautiful poetic tribute to his life as one of the last remaining cowboys in the west. I only knew she was my cousin because it said so in the program.

It's such a polar opposite of what happens in the other sides of my family. My stepdad's and mom's sides know me well, and I'm an active part of those family relationships. We have regular family reunions and see each other often. I hope that one day when I have a family, I'm able to do what needs to be done to make sure my posterity know each other and know where they came from and are proud of it.

It's funny that some people only have a few cousins and they are like siblings with each other, and then I have upwards of 60-70 cousins and half of them I have never met. It's pretty sad that families can break apart and never come back together. I hope nothing like that happens to the rest of my family, or to my future family. It is so sad that we are walking this Earth and know nothing about the people that we share genetics with.

I vow right now to never let that happen to my kids.

My grandpa's obituary is HERE.

So, Utah is in a bit of a drought and several cities are restricting water usage to prevent from drying up the wells.

Well, this morning as I watched the below video, I think I cried enough tears to fill them back up. This video has been circulating through the Mormon boards on Pinterest. I have been meaning to watch it since Jeffrey R. Holland always knows the right things to say. I am so glad I made time for it this morning. I needed this message more than I can say. I hope that you take the 45 minutes to hear the full message. God loves us, and will help us triumph over our adversities. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's not just hard, it's miserable or scary or agonizing or terrible. I am thankful to know I have help when those times come.

When my mom was about to have her brain surgery in March, I was a bit of a mess. I sought refuge in the scriptures because I have found they calm me down when I feel anxious. During this time, I stumbled upon this scripture:

D&C 121:7-8 "My son [or daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have read and reread this scripture many nights since I found it. It has become one of my favorites through the hardships that come and go. I know that we are never left alone to rot in our own "liberty jails", and that God is with us and will help us triumph over our foes that life brings up. If you have any extra time, please watch the video. I promise you won't regret it.

So, I've heard a billion times that marriage is rough because of the ability to miscommunicate or do or say the wrong thing.

Honestly, I thought everyone just needed to try harder (before I got married). Now I realize there are 2 sides to every story. Watch this video, then proceed.



Sometimes, I feel sorry for men because they have to marry women, and we are bonkers crazy. But I also feel sorry for women because we have to marry men, and we can't go to them like we can our girlfriends. If you go to a guy, you need to know they'll just give you a solution, and women are the queens of not needing a solution, just needing to get their feelings out so they can move on from emotional outburst land.

Case in point - I vented to a guy I was dating once about a girl I was friends with that was being a royal pain in the butt... his response was "So stop hanging out with her." My expected response from him was, "WHAT A B-WORD HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT ABOUT YOU!" So naturally, he and I got in a fight...because who cares if he's right, RIGHT? It's hard to remember though when I talk to Justin about things that he is rarely ever going to say, "I'm sorry that must be hard for you." His usual response is, "Want me to punch them out for you?"(Solution oriented.)

Although, in this particular Youtube example, I can't think of one of my girlfriends who wouldn't be like, "Yeah that must be really painful and annoying, day in and day out, with those headaches. But here, let me pull out that nail and it should go away. There all better, let's get some ice cream and do our nails. Also you're hotter than any other girls, and you have better style, and are funnier." (Validation of my feelings first, solution next, followed by a pick me up activity and a major compliment fest to finish the deal.) Yeah, it takes a lot of work, and women just naturally know how to do this.

So I guess the moral of the story is, girls need girlfriends so they can vent properly, and guys need to fix things. It's just the way we all are.

The other moral of the story is, women are, in fact, crazy. And I live in Womanland, so I know... but guys wouldn't be alive if we weren't here, so I'm sorry guys, you have to deal with us.

The End.

So... Tuesday I turned 29. WOW... I am almost 30! It's super crazy to think about. My husband took great care of me, throwing me a barbecue (my favorite birthday activity) and cooking for everyone. He also got me some running gear, like shoes, a water belt and a hat! I have to say, my first birthday married to him was a huge success. I'm so grateful for him!

Birthday pie is far better than birthday cake, or any type of cake.

As many bloggers do around their birthdays, I will be doing a post about 29 things I've learned in my 29 years here on earth. So here goes...

1. I've learned that friends come and go, but the real ones won't care how much distance or time has been put between our last conversation or meeting, they will always be there for me just like they were before.

2. Sometimes I get to a point in life where I have done what I can in a place, and soon I'll need to get out and explore again to feel a fire start inside of me. That is why cars were invented... so I can move around!

3. I can qualify by myself to buy a nice comfortable small house, I'm legit y'all.

4. Two opinionated headstrong people can live together and be just fine. They just have to make sure they communicate.

5. Cleaning the house and making dinner before my husband gets home on his busy weekends isn't anti-feminist, it's pro-love and makes him feel awesome. Which makes me feel awesome.

6. Candy really isn't good, you can actually grow to crave cucumber slices over a snickers.

7. I have GOT to be more pro-active in my health.

8. When you're married, you share all illnesses.

9. Cancer is no respecter of persons. Who cancer wants, cancer will take.

10. Boys use a LOT of toilet paper.

11. Cooking my own food provides the best results, every time.

12. I never know what I can handle until I have to live through it. Then, there I am, handling it better than I ever imagined I could, or handling something I didn't think I ever would be able to stand.

13. When I was younger, if something didn't reward me directly I didn't like it or want it. Now what makes me happy is still my own successes, but also seeing everyone I love succeed.

14. The design of college needs to be rethought. It is functional, but it is mostly a business. There is something missing that would make it truly great. If I could pinpoint that one thing, I'd start selling my idea to them.

15. I can grow plants from seeds.

16. Not every one wants friends... still boggles my mind.

17. Cats and dogs have souls. My cat looks me directly in the eye and puts his forehead on my cheek when I have been super kind and caring toward him all day. Probably the single most adorable thing to ever happen to me.

18. I'm not ready yet to be a mom, but I can see it happening someday. It would be cool to see someone you made grow into an awesome human.

19. People often want to complain about the messes they're in, but they never want advice... they just want to keep complaining until they decide to do something about it themselves. We are all guilty of this.

20. Even when I turn my back on people, they can surprise me for good. We just have to be wise about who we let back in when this happens. Some surprises are permanent changes. Some are just short-lived.

21. Laughter picks up even the worst days. My mom can suddenly find out she has a brain tumor, and have to have her brain cut into, and have to go through chemo and radiation and lose all her hair and be sicker than she ever has in her life, but every few days, my husband and I can have silly moments that make me laugh until I cry, and can't breathe. Because of this, I can find myself strong enough to go on with life and continue feeling hopeful.

22. God never leaves me. He is the hope in my heart, and the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

23. Even if I stop making art for 10 years, my mind will remember what my hands forgot. I just have to be patient and help my hands remember.

24. Running is power.

25. If we could look into the souls of every person, we would never hurt anyone. There is beauty in everyone, some people just don't know how to show theirs... yet. Some people just need to learn how to look for it.

26. Everyone can teach you something. Even if they are 2 years old and you are 80. You just have to be open to learning.

27. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

28. Everyone is walking around with baggage... no one is baggage free, some just have learned how to carry it properly. If we could all see what God has asked each other to carry, we would understand where people are coming from.

29. I owe myself success.

Well, there you have it! That's not all I've learned, but those are the 29 that come to mind this morning. I'm loving this morning to myself thing. I am working a night shift tonight because of some work I have to do, so I fully intend to make the most of my beloved daytime hours! I think a jog in my new birthday running shoes is on the agenda before I head to the office. Have a great day everyone. Why don't you share with me some things you've learned? I would love to hear from you.

Right before brain surgery

So... my mom only has 2 more weeks of her awful radiation and chemotherapy sessions, and then she gets a much needed break. She'll get to go home and be with our family that are still living there, and be where she belongs and get to rest! It's been hard watching her do the hard thing, and go through treatment. It has been a battle for her for sure, and there are times where I know she feels like quitting because it is a huge burden to bear. Chemotherapy and radiation are killing treatments. They are not designed to make you feel better while doing them. They are designed to kill cancer. My mom is an inspiration, even if she's not trying to be one. She is tough, and driven, and amazing. She is one of a kind, and I thank God everyday for watching over her always.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and help. Thank you for driving her to and from her home each Friday so she can spend 48 hours where she lives before she starts treatment again on Mondays. Thank you for making dinners for my stepdad, and brothers and sister. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your hugs! Thank you for loving my mom, and our family.

These past 2 months I've spent a lot of time in prayer, or contemplation. Justin has helped me through sad days, and I'm so grateful for him. I am so thankful that our Savior, Jesus, atoned for the heartaches of this world, so that I could know I'm never alone in challenges, and that all of those around me are never alone in theirs. It boggles my mind to understand the concept of the atonement, but the more life I live, and the more pain people I love go through, I am ever grateful that someone was willing to say, "Here am I, send me. I will suffer for them."

Cancer is a stupid worthless thing, but it has reminded me of what's truly important, and that is family and loved ones.  I am so grateful to know that while everything else in this life disappears or ends, we never can lose who we are, or who we love. It's such a beautiful design. I'm reminded of the scripture in the New Testament of the Bible, in Matthew 6:19-20,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal, For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I found a song on my playlist of "unlistened to songs" that I go through from time to time. It is by Greg Laswell, the lyrics are sad, but the song is beautiful and has stirred up emotions in me, related to my mom's cancer, the few times I listened to it over the past little while. The first time I heard it was while driving to the hospital to visit her the day before her brain tumor surgery. Needless to say, I ended up in full blown tears. Also, this video I found for it on Youtube is beautiful. Whoever did the animation is a genius.



Let me know what you think of the song, my writing, or anything in general. :)

Photo Credit: Google Image Search

Tonight I watched a TED talk about a man who searched for the man who broke his neck. The name of the talk alone intrigued me but what I found was an exceptional story teller, who in the process of telling his story of hardship, pain, and a lot of loss you could see in his face and eyes that he was on top of the cliff he'd fallen off of by accident. He was in a car accident in Israel when he was 19. His neck snapped and he spent the better part of his life healing and learning to walk again. Years later he now walks with a cane. He's become a writer even with limited use of his hands.

He went back to Israel last year and met the man who had driven the car that upon hitting the vehicle he was in, snapped his neck. The man's reactions during their afternoon together showed him that life isn't about what happens to you, it's what you do or how you deal with what happens to you. He quoted Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning." He went to that man to get an apology. But when he met with the man, he could see that he would never get one, and that the man had spent his life trying to forget the mistakes he had made.

He left that meeting knowing he was ok and knowing the man wasn't ok. It was quite an inspiring story.

Then I pulled up another one that is a commencement speech at a Harvard Graduation ceremony, given by JK Rowling. She talked all about how she believes failure is something we should all experience because it teaches you what you really are made of. She said when she was at the verge of homelessness, had lost her husband to divorce and had nothing, she knew she could focus all her energy onto the things she truly valued because she had nothing else to distract her. My favorite thing from this first section of her speech is this:

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life" - JK Rowling, Harvard Commencement speech 2008.

It is true, what happens to you doesn't define you. You are how you deal with and what you do with the things that have happened to you. I love this process of thinking. I believe it is truth.

My favorite part of the end of her speech was her closing statement. "As is a tale, so is life. Not how long it is, but how good it is."

Both speakers are writers. Both have such a way with words that they are worth listening to if you get the time. I have posted both videos below so that you can choose to watch none, one, or both of them.

You know, I always thought when I was really young that I was going to make a huge mark on this world. I thought that by the time I was approaching my 29th birthday I'd be the owner of a huge charity, or have a huge family, or 20 different college degrees (or maybe 2), or be a CEO of a major company. The truth is, I've held myself back a lot. I have this thing called FEAR that I let hang out from time to time. To be more specific, a fear of a success is what it is. See, failure is something that doesn't happen too often for me when I really try, yet despite the fact that I know this about myself, I still let fear stop me from being better, from doing the crazy ideas that I come up with.

I didn't do that summer study abroad where I would be living with a foreign family to learn the language. I didn't do it because I was scared I wouldn't be able to find a job if I left my job that I had at the time, and I needed money to be able to pay for school. I really regret that.

I think of people in my life who are fearless, and the first two people that come to mind are my husband and my mom.


My husband is seriously fearless, even when it comes to just navigating high school, he never cared what anyone thought. High school really scared the crap out of me, and I tried desperately to fit in, he just tried to be himself. In every aspect. Even now he is just that same way. He just figures out what he wants, and tries to get it. He doesn't worry if that mowhawk he just shaved in his head is going to be ugly to other people. He likes to dive head first out of planes for fun. He likes to get punched in the face for fun. He likes to throw himself off a railing on a skateboard... for fun. I envy his fearlessness. I admire his fearlessness. I hope that now that we live together it will rub off on me. He encourages me to be unafraid. I'm so grateful for that encouragement.


My mom has become a success at everything she tries. Not just a success, but a total knockout at it. She decided that she liked music, so she joined the high school choir, then formed a band, then majored in music, then spent the rest of her life so far singing, or playing for people, performing in musicals, and even formed another group and toured Southern Utah, and put out a CD. She decided she wanted to be a part of the community she lives in so she ran for City Council, and was voted in. She performed her duties as a councilwoman for a decade! She loves gardening so much she opened a nursery in our yard and it was a huge success. I tell ya, there isn't a thing she can't do. I'm pretty sure that since she's put her mind to beating cancer, it's going to happen. That lady turns everything to gold that she touches. So far, she is doing an awesome job at fighting it, and I am learning more about faith and hope from her than I think she is even meaning to teach.

I want to be like both of them. Sure I've had my own successes, paying my way through college, always having a great job to help me do so, I've got great friends, and I am a super quick learner in almost every field I try for. I just feel like there is more I could be doing. Something big. I don't know what that is. I used to be so full of specific dreams. I feel like I've let life get in the way of dreaming. I need to spend more time creating and bringing things into this world, than just partaking of what is here. I want to make my mark on the world. 

Tonight I watched "The Help" for what is probably my 20th time since I own the film, and I just wish I could do something like Skeeter does. I want to change the world, even if just a tiny corner of it to make a better place for mankind. I want to leave this world better than it was when I got here. Sure I probably have a lot of time to do this, but I feel like if I don't start acting on this, it will be 50 years from now and I'll be still here, trying to figure it out. So, I am determined to figure this out. I need to find my little corner of the world and improve it. That's my goal.

I had a great weekend. Did you? I hope so.

Let me tell you my why my weekend was good.

First off, I got to leave work Friday at 12pm. That's always a great way to start the weekend! Second of all, I got to go on a mini road trip with my mama! We drove down to Southern Utah to spend time at home. She has her treatments Monday through Friday 4 hours from her home, so it's great that she feels awesome enough to go home for the weekend. The weather was a little rainy but the sun came out and the temperature got up to 65 degrees! We also chatted for the whole drive down there. It was so nice to have it just be us two in the car, talking about anything and everything. I loved every minute of it.

I also love when the sun comes out and warms everything up in the spring. I get the winter blues whether I want them or not, so the sun invigorates me when it's been hiding for months. Saturday I sat out on the deck soaking in the Vitamin D while my mom made her regular April rounds through her thawing garden. She pruned the peach tree so it would be able to give us awesome peaches like it does every year. The poor thing gets so many huge peaches, the branches get too heavy and almost break. She also pruned her raspberry bushes, and cleared up some of the random debris that winter storms leave behind. It hardly felt like anything huge has happened in our lives. She doesn't even seem like "the awful news" ever even happened. I'm grateful for days like that, and for her amazing health right now.

My german sis and I soaking up Vitamin D on the deck.

Also this weekend was the LDS General Conference. For those not a part of the LDS religion (the Mormons) this conference happens every 6 months and can be seen via satellite broadcasts at meetinghouses, tv, or in person at the conference center in Salt Lake City. We watched it on tv from my parents' house. Sometimes it feels as if the whole 2 days worth of spiritual guidance is specifically geared toward me. I am a spiritual person. I pray to God multiple times a day for whatever I might need that requires a little help. Sometimes they are purely just prayers of gratitude, sometimes they are the pleadings of a heavy heart. This weekend, it was a little of both.

It was so nice to spend the weekend being uplifted by amazing talks on faith, perseverance, and life lessons. Practicing faith right now seems to be the topic of my life with what's going on in my family. I was so happy to be in my childhood home with my younger teenage brothers, my German sister, and my parents.

And then my mom baked 2 kinds of cookies. Aaaahhh the good life!

Also, apparently this little gem happened during the conference... 2 old gospel nerds fist bumping. Awesome.

Photo credit: Google Images had so many versions of this in their image search, so I just linked to one.

For those of you that know me, you know that I am a worrier. This video sunk in deep. I felt as if he was talking directly to me. I have battled anxiety my whole life, and hard things sometimes become harder because of my ability to worry. I berate myself internally sometimes because of this, even though there are many times where I don't even have this problem. I lose patience with myself, and feel as if the person I ought to be, is never to be. After watching this short video, I truly believe that one day I won't have this problem anymore and I will be the strong person I hope to be.

I am so grateful for Russell M. Nelson's words in this video. What did you take from it?