To be fearless.

You know, I always thought when I was really young that I was going to make a huge mark on this world. I thought that by the time I was approaching my 29th birthday I'd be the owner of a huge charity, or have a huge family, or 20 different college degrees (or maybe 2), or be a CEO of a major company. The truth is, I've held myself back a lot. I have this thing called FEAR that I let hang out from time to time. To be more specific, a fear of a success is what it is. See, failure is something that doesn't happen too often for me when I really try, yet despite the fact that I know this about myself, I still let fear stop me from being better, from doing the crazy ideas that I come up with.

I didn't do that summer study abroad where I would be living with a foreign family to learn the language. I didn't do it because I was scared I wouldn't be able to find a job if I left my job that I had at the time, and I needed money to be able to pay for school. I really regret that.

I think of people in my life who are fearless, and the first two people that come to mind are my husband and my mom.

My husband is seriously fearless, even when it comes to just navigating high school, he never cared what anyone thought. High school really scared the crap out of me, and I tried desperately to fit in, he just tried to be himself. In every aspect. Even now he is just that same way. He just figures out what he wants, and tries to get it. He doesn't worry if that mowhawk he just shaved in his head is going to be ugly to other people. He likes to dive head first out of planes for fun. He likes to get punched in the face for fun. He likes to throw himself off a railing on a skateboard... for fun. I envy his fearlessness. I admire his fearlessness. I hope that now that we live together it will rub off on me. He encourages me to be unafraid. I'm so grateful for that encouragement.

My mom has become a success at everything she tries. Not just a success, but a total knockout at it. She decided that she liked music, so she joined the high school choir, then formed a band, then majored in music, then spent the rest of her life so far singing, or playing for people, performing in musicals, and even formed another group and toured Southern Utah, and put out a CD. She decided she wanted to be a part of the community she lives in so she ran for City Council, and was voted in. She performed her duties as a councilwoman for a decade! She loves gardening so much she opened a nursery in our yard and it was a huge success. I tell ya, there isn't a thing she can't do. I'm pretty sure that since she's put her mind to beating cancer, it's going to happen. That lady turns everything to gold that she touches. So far, she is doing an awesome job at fighting it, and I am learning more about faith and hope from her than I think she is even meaning to teach.

I want to be like both of them. Sure I've had my own successes, paying my way through college, always having a great job to help me do so, I've got great friends, and I am a super quick learner in almost every field I try for. I just feel like there is more I could be doing. Something big. I don't know what that is. I used to be so full of specific dreams. I feel like I've let life get in the way of dreaming. I need to spend more time creating and bringing things into this world, than just partaking of what is here. I want to make my mark on the world. 

Tonight I watched "The Help" for what is probably my 20th time since I own the film, and I just wish I could do something like Skeeter does. I want to change the world, even if just a tiny corner of it to make a better place for mankind. I want to leave this world better than it was when I got here. Sure I probably have a lot of time to do this, but I feel like if I don't start acting on this, it will be 50 years from now and I'll be still here, trying to figure it out. So, I am determined to figure this out. I need to find my little corner of the world and improve it. That's my goal.