The awful of awful news.

I've been gone for a while from posting. I'm really sorry about that, it's just... how do I write about the things that have happened in the past month? (This is a long post, thank you for taking the time to read it.)

I have received permission to write this, A) because I'm an extrovert, and I have a blog that I feel like posting on, and B) because I think it will help someone who ends up dealing with this horribleness. I read someone's blog regarding this very thing that I will write about, and it gave me a clearer perspective, and renewed hope.

So... here goes with the hard stuff.

On March 10th, I received a call from my mom, the woman who has molded and shaped me into the woman I am, to tell me she had a brain tumor. Needless to say my world was rocked. I don't say that word lightly. I couldn't even see straight for a minute or two. My mom is always in perfect health. How can this person, who seems like she is a holder of the super power of invincibility, be invaded by abnormal cells in her brain?  Her voice was shaking on the phone as she delivered the news, and I told her I would tell everyone else for her. I have 6 siblings, so many hard phone calls had to be made. My mom was rushed to SLC from her home in southern Utah and in a matter of 3 days, her tumor was removed by amazing surgeons, and a few days later she was given the prognosis.  Stage 4 Glioblastoma. I made it tiny in font size because I hate it.

Brain cancer can just disappear for all I care. Stupid worthless thing.

Friends and family that read this, PLEASE do not Google it and then call my mom with worry or sadness or remedies to fix it. Google will make you feel terrible. As a matter of fact, Google has lost my love, too! I made the horrible mistake of searching it online, and let me tell you, it's something I wish I could take back and I can't. Calling her and stressing her out about what you read, or survival rates, or other dumb facts about it is not going to be helpful at all. All she wants is positivity around her, so if you can't do that, maybe give her some space until you can. She is going to beat this nasty cancer so none of that other information matters!

During the week long stay at the hospital, she was overwhelmed with an outpouring of friends and family coming out of the woodwork to make her feel cared for. I can tell you the hand of God was with her and our family during that week. A lot of worry and tears were present as we watched our mom go through hell. She never let it seem like hell to her though. Through it all she seemed like she was the toughest person there ever was, and that it wouldn't break her happy spirits. There were a few sweet moments where it was just her and I, where she told me how it really felt for her. I am so grateful for those moments. They are special to me, and a part of our ever-deepening mother/daughter relationship.

My sister-in-law snapped this photo of my mom with her granddaughters the day after she had her tumor removed. She had full-on brain surgery, and look at how beautiful she looks!  I'm so grateful to her for taking this photo of my mom. It completely embodies who she is as a person.

So, how do I feel about all of this?

Well I started with "HOLY CRAP, I'M FREAKING OUT, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS!", and then it turned into numbness, then freaking out again, then a whole bunch of positive came in. I have my small moments of worry and fear, but then the hope, faith and positivity come back. You see, I am surrounded by some of the most even-keel, positive, faithful people. Everybody that knows my mom is praying for her. My brother even jokingly said, "Mom didn't even need to have a brain surgery with how many people are praying for her." And this came from the non-religious one of the pack!

My mom is a pillar of the community in our hometown. She is a former city councilwoman, she has been entertaining the community with her singing group for over a decade, and she has worked at the high school for almost twice that long. So many people whose lives she has touched are praying for her. It's incredible! I'm so grateful to everyone who is keeping her in their prayers. I know that God is watching over her, and over us, and helping us through this crazy time as she battles this cancer. (I still can't believe that word is a real thing in our family.)

I have every hope that God will heal my mother. I have every hope that she is in the right place at the right time to get the right treatments. She is young and healthy and will be able to fight it.

I was talking to a friend today who said, "Well don't you just have all the luck. Whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth." I started laughing. I guess it's true. He must really love me and my family to have us carry this burden among all the other ones we've had in our lives. I'm sure He loves everyone the same actually, but it sure feels like He's been asking us to carry more than our fair share of burdens at times. I try to steer away from those thoughts though... some things just happen, and you deal with them as best you can.

What's annoying though is, despite all this hope and faith, I still can't get the pit out of my stomach. It's been almost a month now, I wonder if it will just hang around until her treatments are done and she checks her MRI's? Or maybe it will just become a part of who I am?

Thank you for your prayers for our family, and for my mother. Please continue to remember her and us if you can. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.