You know what sucks? When you say the words "I NEVER". Somehow the universe hears you, and it immediately stops what it is doing, to commit all its efforts into proving you wrong. I think the universe gets off on making us eat those two words for breakfast like they are a big bowl of Alphabits. (Those use to be my favorite cereal growing up... you can spell swear words and giggle and your mom will not know!)

One time I said, "I've never crashed a car." The next day I nearly totaled my car. Apparently old steel-frame Chevy trucks are just like brick walls when a tiny Toyota Corolla hits them.

Steel-frame Chevy & Universe = 1, Lana = Sorry I ever said anything.

So, why didn't I learn from this stupid lesson? The word never should disappear from my vocabulary, but it hasn't.

Justin does his own laundry, which I love, but sometimes we fight over who gets to use the washing machine. I needed to do laundry and so did he, so I told him we could just do our laundry together. I gave him this whole speech about how I NEVER ruin clothes. EVER. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. So if he would just stop being OCD about his clothes, I would wash them and he'd see that I am still the coolest wife in the world, and both our clothes would be clean at the same time.

So what happened? The UNIVERSE.

DAMN UNIVERSE.

I shrunk not one of his shirts, but ALL of his shirts. How many, you ask? ALL OF THEM. I also shrunk all my pajama pants, and half of my tshirts. And let me tell you, those tshirts are my prized posessions. The items of clothing that never feel awkward on me, and just feel right every time I wear them. You know, the cute little loose fitting, one chest pocket, come in every color of the rainbow, so I bought all of them at one time and never regretted it. The kind that go with everything.

Hmph.

I'm going to go ahead insert my face into my palm right now.

Justin is loving this sweet little turn of events. We got to go to Target and buy him a whole new wardrobe. I'm still afraid to try on my shirts. I don't want to be even more disappointed. I HATE RUINING CLOTHES. I'm still sulking a little bit over it. I keep praying that they won't be ruined and that when I finally try one on it will be just like old times. (They're discontinued where I bought them, so it's even better.)

Who is the best wife ever? Me, if giving you ammo to tease me for the rest of our lives counts as best wife ever. He told me I could shrink all his pants, too, so we can buy him a bunch of new jeans.

Well Universe... you win.

Universe = 2, Lana = ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

At least he got a great outfit out of it (he looks so dreamy and stylin'!), and I got a shirt that will make you all sing a song you're sick of singing. You're welcome!

They say never go to bed angry.
They say never get a king size bed.

Some say in order to stay together you should never keep secrets.
Others say in order to stay together you have to have your own things.

Here's what I say:

If you don't go to bed angry you'll stay up until 3 am fighting. Because fighting when tired breeds more fighting, until neither of you even know what you're talking about and you're just fighting because you're tired.

A king size bed allows us to feel like we have all the space in the world to sleep without anybody waking the other up. And we both REALLY value our sleep, so we need this. However, every morning we wake up piled in the middle of our massive bed. So get a king size bed, and use the crap out of it. You'll still love each other, that is, if you loved each other already.

My last piece of advice is this:

The couple that laughs together, lasts together. Nothing gets you through life better than a good laugh.  Tell me the last time you didn't enjoy a good giggle fest, laugh-a-thon or giant guffaw.

You can't, because everyone enjoys laughing. It happens because you're happy. Even if you're laughing at the end of the worst possible day and it couldn't get any worse, you laugh because deep down inside, there's a tiny shred of you that can see that it is somehow going to be ok.

I think I'll open a clinic down the street dedicated to laughter therapy. And no one will have to pay unless I got them to chuckle at least a little.

I don't think we've gone a single day of our marriage without the tiniest of chuckles. No one appreciates my dad-like sense of humor like he does. And no one can get me to laugh until I can't breathe as often as he can. We're two peas in a giggling pod.  See for yourself below.

(Pardon the blurred photos. We aren't able to focus a camera whilst taking selfies. Yeah, I said whilst. I say whilst, when I'm feeling good. Must be all this laughter therapy going on.)

It's not every day that someone we know passes away. Usually death pulls one of two reactions from me. The first being a peaceful feeling, knowing it was their time to go, and that wherever they are, they are smiling down on us and watching over us. The second, feeling sad that it was too soon for them and there are a lot of people wishing they were still here.

This week there was another reaction from me regarding the death of someone I hardly knew. It shook me to the core and made me feel nauseated. I've heard of suicides before in my life, I'm not sure why this particular suicide shook me the way it did. Maybe it's because we were friends on Facebook, and their life appeared so wonderful -- or at least that's how they published it online. Maybe it's because I know there are people here on Earth that at this very moment are desperate for answers of why and how and what and where they could've done more or could've helped. There is a family picking up the pieces of their broken hearts... or not even starting to yet.

Suicide rocks everyone involved. There is always someone that has to find the person and tell others what happened. There are the family members that have to learn to live without them. There are the children or friends that have to try to understand why, even though they'll never know. It is never a peaceful death experience. We don't sit here on this side of the veil between heaven and earth and say, "It was their time." Because if it were, it wouldn't have been a suicide.

I can't think of a worse feeling to have in this life, than to feel your only option is to die to save yourself. I have been in the pits of despair with depression before, but maybe I wasn't actually THAT far down? I never thought "I need to end it all." I did look in the mirror one day and say to myself, "Wow, if I don't get help now I might die from this eventually."

I guess what I'm saying is... please get help. Go for a walk, count to 10. Call a friend. Call 50 friends, knock on people's doors, grab the phone book and call everyone listed until someone talks to you... but don't give up. Don't ever, ever, ever give up. I promise that as bleak as this world is, there are people that care about you. All is not lost, even if it feels awful for a very long time. It really bothers me that this world is so technologically saturated that we can appear to have the most perfect life on Facebook, and be slowly dying inside and no one knows.

I can't say that I agree with this person's choice. But I also can't say that I know what it was like to be them. I'm not sure they ever thought this many people would be rocked by their choice. People that hardly knew them. I hope wherever they are, that they're able to find the peace they were seeking. Lord knows the people they left behind will be seeking it for a long time to come.

I had a dream last night that I was being interviewed by some famous host of a show, regarding my life.   I don't remember a lot of what was said, but I remembered finding my answers to be quite interesting. I woke up thinking to myself, "What would it be like if I were on a talk show? Would people find my interview to be a waste of time, or worthwhile?"

I decided to conduct an interview of myself. Let's do this here, for fun, and see what happens.

Q: We've got something special for you all tonight, folks. We've got Lana here to hang out with us! Let's give her all a warm welcome!

--audience cheers and claps as I enter the stage and take my seat--

A: Thank you, thank you, you're all too nice. --I blush--

Q: So, Lana, what are you up to these days?

A: Well, I am still working at the same place I've been since I graduated college. It's been quite a ride, not even knowing what I was interviewing for when I first went in. I desperately needed a job, and would've done anything they needed me to. So, here I am coordinating 100's of events every week now, with a bit of international experience as well. It's been quite fun, hectic and educational all at the same time.

Q: Excellent! That's pretty great, seeing as how a lot of people are stuck looking for odd jobs, just to pay their bills.

A: I know. I've been quite lucky the past 4.5 years. I'm also trying to sell some recent creations on my Society6.com page. If any of you people want to see what that's about, head over to www.society6.com/lanalefevre. You won't be disappointed, I've got art prints, tote bags, throw pillows, mugs, anything you could ever want me to put my art on, since I know you're all desperate for a little piece of it! --audience claps and laughs--

Q: So, the question on everyone's mind tonight is, What do you see yourself doing for the rest of your life?

A: Well, you just get right to the point don't you now? --host laughs-- Honestly, there are so many things I love to do. As long as I have something that pays my regular bills, I just want to spend my life creating. I'd love to own my own furniture shop. Not your regular run-of-the-mill place, though. I want to find old furniture, and restore it to a new beautiful version of itself, and then hang up all my original artwork, and prints, on the walls. Anything in the building is for sale, including the artwork... except for me of course!" --audience laughs--

Q: Well, that's a great idea! There seems to be a lot of that going on lately, so how would your shop be different than all the others?

A: There's the hard part... it would be different because it would have one-of-a-kind pieces refurbished by me, but I'm still trying to find an idea for how to really set it apart. Let me get back to you on that?

Q: I hope you will! I'd love to hear more. Some of us have also followed your blog, and think you're a half decent writer. Have you ever considered writing a book? Any kind of book?

A: I have, and I am... slowly. VERY slowly. --audience laughs-- But it's there, in the back of everyday, looming over my head. I just get writer's block pretty easily. However, I am constantly coming up with synopses of stories that I can start anew. So, I've got ideas for about 5 books right now that if I could just focus and work on them, I'd probably be the next J.K. Rowling... or, maybe just the next nameless author that makes a few bucks off their short stories. --audience laughs again-- Either way, I'd be satisfied if I just finished one of them!

Q: That's really great, hopefully one day we can pick up a copy from the nearest Barnes and Noble?

A: That's the plan... now if I could just get to work on that again! --audience and host give me their best sympathy laugh--

Q: So, what about your family? How's everyone these days?

A: Well, you heard about my mom right?

Q: Yeah, sorry to hear that she's had to fight cancer --audience sighs sadly-- this past year. How's she doing?

A: She's doing ok actually. It's never a good thing to be diagnosed with cancer and fight it the way she has, but I'm so grateful she's still here. It's really inspired me to focus more on what I want out of life, instead of just going through the day-to-day motions. Sure, I've spent a lot of time lazing about this year, because stress will do that to a person. But I have big plans for myself, and she is my inspiration. Life is short, and it can turn on a dime. We really have to make it what we want. My mom was a go-getter when she had the energy and health, and I can't think of a time in my life that she didn't have a million dreams going all at once for herself. She always achieved them, and made them happen. I really have learned a lot from her example, and can't think of a better way to live myself.

--audience claps and cheers--

Q: Well, that's really inspirational, she sounds like an amazing mother, and someone who has a great legacy. You are one lucky girl to be raised by a woman like her.

A: I really am. I have always known it too. --audience claps again--

Q: Well, that's about all the time we have for tonight, folks! Thanks for being here Lana, and we all look forward to seeing your books, your artwork and your furniture in the future. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

A: Thanks for having me, it's been a pleasure. --I wave at the audience while the end credits roll--

If were to be on a late night talk show, I think I'd probably wear an adorable black or gray dress, with the below accessories. Justin got me these tights for Christmas, and I am loving their bright mustard-ness. You can never go wrong with colored legs. I am serious.

So, if you had to interview yourself, what would it say and what would you wear?

Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I have an issue with the media lately... again. Or maybe I grew up.

Here's why:

Found this on HM.com

This girl is beautiful, and she probably has a killer, silly personality. But marketing and media don't let that show. Right now I don't want to be this girl, I want nothing to do with her. She looks timid, and unsure of herself, and I don't want to feel that way if I wear what she's wearing. Everywhere I go lately the models in catalogs and in advertisements look like they aren't real. If you want me to buy your products and wear your clothes, you have got to show me that doing so makes my life amazing.

What I want to see is a woman posed in an outfit as if she's in her regular life. I want to see her doing something mundane and looking fabulous in regular clothes. I will never wear stiletto heels  and a crop top to grocery shop, or get my mail. I work in an office, not a club. Can we please see real women doing real woman things?

I tried to find an advertisement that showed a realistic situation, that is really positive and the woman looks great. But I can't. You cannot feign confidence and happiness. You cannot fake love.

You can't fake this:

There seems to be an unspoken rule among women that you're not supposed to know you have a great body, or that you're skinny, or that you think you're pretty. It's like we're all supposed to join together and hate our bodies, but if someone compliments us on how we look thinner, we're supposed to feel AMAZING! It's weird. What if I know I'm skinny already?

I've been a twig my whole life. My mom has been a twig her whole life. My grandma has too. I come from a long line of twigs. Still don't believe me? Go look at my little brothers. One is 6'7" and is lean and hipster looking. (He has luscious shoulder length hair that accentuates his cheek bones. The girls at his high school must be piles of goo when he walks by.)

Here are a few of my favorite (read: annoying) things that have happened in relation to my weight:

I was emailed once through Facebook by a girl in my church. She had been suffering from bulimia, and was positive I was anorexic because I'm very thin. She told me if I ever wanted to talk to her about my eating disorder, she would be all ears because she understood. HAHAHA... thanks for the help, girlfriend.

A boy entering my apartment with his friends sees me walk into the room, "Whoa, do you eat... ever?"
No, I'm the only person alive who doesn't need food to survive. I'm a magical unicorn of sorts. Here, take a picture with me so you can tell all your friends!

A former boss said to me one day while in his office, "Hey, you look like a concentration camp victim." And then laughed. That one actually got to me. I went to lunch, called my mom and bawled. That is not a compliment sir, you said I look like a walking corpse. SO not a compliment.

The list of these goes on and on. I thought being skinny is what every girl wants? Why is it so weird to people then when they see someone thin?

The truth is, there's a lot of things that keep me skinny. When I'm emotionally stressed, I'm not hungry. So if I ever go through something hard, I drop 10-15 pounds over about 6 months. It usually takes me the following year or two to put those damn pounds back on, so I'm never happy about the weight I lost. The other truth is, my genetics are small-boned, tall, lean frames. Even when I do gain weight, I'm still a size 3.

I think it would be so much better if people really could accept everyone regardless of size. Larger people want to be accepted for their weight and shape. Why can't people accept tiny, skinny people?

Here's what's happening in my head now... I no longer care if I look skinny. There are outfits that I used to avoid because they elongated my figure or made me look flatter chested. There are hairstyles I avoided because they made my cheekbones more pronounced and you could see my long thin neck. I just don't care anymore. I am a twig-like female. I'm actually really grateful for this twiggy frame I've been given. It's come in handy if I ever needed to squeeze through a fence! It's also come in handy because it's healthy. I am a healthy, happy, human being, and I love myself more and more the older I get. I even embraced my natural dirty blond hair color this year. THAT is confidence, kids.

I'm not posting this to brag, or to say my life has been hard as a thin person. I'm just posting it because I don't care anymore what anyone thinks.

Hi, My name is Lana and I'm naturally skinny. I can eat carbs all day and not get fat.

And I like it.

But that's not all that defines me... in fact I prefer not to define myself by my size. I prefer to define myself by my talents and what I have to offer the world.

I find that the older I get the less I make new really close friends. I don't say this to be a downer, I've actually been contemplating this fact for the past couple of years. This post is not so much a "poor me, my friends all live far away" as it is a "what is the method for finding friends in my phase of life?". When we're young, friends basically fall into our laps.

Here's a timeline of sorts to help illustrate my idea:

Birth to 4 years old: whoever is in your neighborhood, is instantly a part of the club. Also, cousins, siblings and other short people will do.

Kindergarten-6th grade: Look to your left, look to your right. The girl sitting in the desk at either of those directions will most likely end up being your best friend. Move to a new group of desks? Repeat this process all over again. Easy peasy.

7th-12th grade: repeat the steps from elementary school. Also whoever joins any similar activities to you will also be a buddy. Occasionally you have to find a new circle because teenage girls are chock full of insane hormones and tend to get really mean and exclusive... but this can easily be done as you now have several classes a day instead of just one group of kids all day. No more friends in first period? Try second period in 30 minutes!

COLLEGE: Anywhere you go, just ask someone your age what kind of music they like, or favorite movies... and BAM INSTANT FRIENDSHIP FOREVER! Another instant friendship is often the 'college roomie' situation. These two types of friendships also tend to be tightened and strengthened by helping each other deal with weird roommates, boy drama, and dance parties! If there's any random crazy fun to be had, you'll have it.


Current situation: Late 20's, early 30's. I have a tight group of friends that I consider my very close best friends. I'm watching them become moms to their first, second and third children. We've got years of life behind us together, and we know each other's families, and each other's secrets. We'd never hold back the truth from each other even if it hurts because we know we are supposed to help each other. We are like sisters. Every time we talk or see each other life picks up right where it left off, with a LOT of chatting of course to catch up. We are scattered all over the world, and it doesn't matter. Some of us are married, some are not. Some are moms, some are not. But we are all in life together, and will always be there for each other even though there are now thousands of miles and even an ocean between some of us.

So how do we make new friends in this station in life? I feel like it's much harder to find new close friends now that I'm in this phase. It used to be "I NEED A SOCIAL LIFE SO I WILL TALK TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE." I had a lot of friends that were good and bad for me, and the more I get older and more responsible with my life, I find that I need just to keep the ones around that are good for me and I can easily let most people go with ease. I am able to talk to most people, but I rarely now form lasting bonds with anyone new. I'd like to challenge myself to find a new friend in the next 12 months that I have a lasting, deep friendship with.

So, who wants to hang out?
I have treats... and a kitten.

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

I'm obsessed with art lately. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Someone, please stop me from looking at the Society6 site. I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF.

Here are a few of my most recent discoveries on there. (Click the art piece name to see the artists' gallery/store.)

Bill Murray - by replaceface

Tonari no Totoro - by Victor Vercesi

Pulp Street - by Beery Method

Moon Flight - by rubbishmonkey

I'm obsessed with this print ---- Bon Iver - Analog Zine, by Hugo Barros

I am a sucker for all things artsy. I recently discovered an art site called Society6.com. When I first discovered the site, I sat gushing tirelessly over the pages and pages of art prints for days. I finally became obsessed with one in particular (pictured above) and ordered the largest size of it that was available.  (The artist's Society6 page is here if you want to see more of their work. They are ridiculously talented.) I am now searching for the perfect frame for this piece.  I have the spot picked out for it in my living room so I just need to find the right frame. Maybe I'll thrift store one and paint it to match.

After researching the site a little further, I found out I can have a page on there and sell my own artwork without losing the rights to my pieces.  After battling my "I'm no artist" and "who am I to think I can sell my stuff?" thoughts, I figured, "why not?", and created one myself.  I mostly have it loaded with photos I've taken while traveling and just a few things I painted myself. I'm currently in the process of drawing and painting more, so keep checking back on my page because you never know what you'll find! I definitely feel vulnerable to this, because letting the world judge what you consider to be a masterpiece is opening yourself up to rejection. But... I'm going to be bold and see what happens.

This photo has nothing to do with this post. I just love it. Yes, that is a Sea Lion named Shanna.

So... I'll be honest... I HATE THE PHRASE "TENDER MERCIES".

Maybe it's not used much in the outside world of regular people that aren't Mormons. But here in Mormonland, it's used all the time. Sometimes to describe finding a shopping cart abandoned at the grocery store when you are carrying more than your basket can handle... i.e. a gallon of milk on top of produce. (Totally done that before. The gallon of milk thing, not the describing it thing, that was someone else.) Sometimes it's used to describe things that aren't tender mercies... they are just things, like remembering you have no clean undies and you gotta do laundry so you don't go commando in the Lord's house.

Sometimes it's used to describe real, simple happenings that have helped a person out on the worst day of their life, or in the pits of despair. I totally get that tender mercies are real, but something about the phrase just makes me feel like someone's standing in front of me using their "this is my talking to puppies" voice, and their eyes have gotten all glassy, and their pupils have turned to flowers, and all they see are hearts in place of people's eyes.

I know... cartoon morbidity. But really... that's what that phrase does to me. It oozes of soccer mom jeans creepy over the top gushy happiness.

But anyway... Justin and I experienced this very thing one night this year.  And we reminisced about it tonight and both started laughing at the thought of it. Justin happened to bring it up while I had a mouth full of Scope and I nearly swallowed it because I was laughing so hard at the memory.

Here's the rundown:

It was mid-March of this year. (I'm laughing before I even tell you guys what happened... aaaah....)

I had spent the better part of my week crying to Justin, or being tough at the U of U hospital with my mom who had just undergone brain tumor removal on a tumor that had just suddenly appeared and turned out to be a very rapid-growth type of brain cancer. I had spent the day walking around the shops in downtown SLC with Justin as we waited to hear if she was doing ok after surgery. They told us that anything was possible and we shouldn't expect the worst or hope for the best... aka... normal-life or vegetable-ness. So naturally, I couldn't hang out at the hospital waiting. I had to get out of there.

To give you an idea of how awful a week this was, I was walking like I was carrying a backpack equal to my own weight. I'm serious. I passed a mirror in a store and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my reflection. I was hunched like Quasimodo. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, and this particular day it was obvious that something was going on in my life that was awful.

Justin and I were in bed later that night just kind of decompressing from the madness. We fell asleep for about an hour and then he got up to pee. When he got back in bed, he readjusted to a position of comfortable sleep, and then things were quiet. I started to fall back to sleep and right before sleep hit me, something else hit me... well, hit my ears. The loudest possible fart that has ever been heard ripped through the quiet of the night.

A couple seconds of silence lingered before we both busted up laughing so hard that we couldn't contain it and practically started snorting. I had tears streaming out of my eyes and couldn't breathe. And we just kept giggling. Things would die down and we'd be like "ok we need to sleep," and then we'd bust up laughing again. It didn't even smell bad. It just ripped through the night like a chainsaw.

On the worst week of our lives, we were laughing uncontrollably.

I sometimes wonder if God sent that bedsheet-ripping fart to Justin to help us in our time of need, or if it just happened. Either way... as blasphemous as this might seem to you Mormons out there, that is my tender mercy story.

And you can't tell me it wasn't one.  I mean, it was one incredibly mercilous fart.

But seriously.

I like to spend time on the TED.com website every now and then. I chose to watch videos under the "courageous" section tonight and I found this.



I felt like sharing this because I have friends and family who are, or have been, in a relationship like this. Maybe not as violent, maybe more violent. I feel it is a very important subject that should never be taboo.

So... Why do women stay?

I have never been physically abused by a person who I was dating or related to. But, I have been emotionally abused. I used to say, "I would never stay if I was treated like that." But the truth is... I was, and the truth is, I stayed for 2 years. I have friends and family who have been physically beaten by the person that swore to love them.  I may have friends who are too wrapped up in "crazy love" to realize what is happening to them yet, or some that can't tell anyone yet but ache to be relieved of this burden.

One of my friends opened up to me a while ago about their violent marriage, and aside from being shocked because I knew them both fairly well, I felt like a terrible friend for never seeing any signs and helping them earlier. The truth is, this is more common than some of us think. And friends, if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I will not judge you, or think you are weak. But I will listen and try to help you get out.

I, thankfully, got out and found that I was worthy of kind, good, loving men. My husband is strong, and can fight a good fight with the best of them, but he would NEVER abuse me in any way. I am so grateful to know that he is my protector, and that I am safe with him emotionally and physically. I hope that we can all find that.

Nobody deserves to be battered.

It has been a while... AGAIN. What a busy month this has been! I am stockpiling photos of our new house so when I finally get a moment to upload them and do a massive "we finally moved in" post I promise you'll get to see it all! Unfortunately, that is not the case today.

Today I was fortunate enough to attend the funeral of a man I didn't know very well, but this man was my grandpa. All I knew of him was that he was a hard working cattle rancher and that he thought the world of my mother (most people do).  He is married to a woman that is unlike no other, and that is my Granny Franny. You will find no kinder woman on this planet than Fran. I am so lucky to be her granddaughter.

As I sat at this funeral, I felt out of place. I felt like it almost wasn't my family. You see, it's the side of my family that doesn't socialize. My dad's side of my family never gets together... and by never I mean this is the first time in my 29 years of life that I have been in the same room as all of my relatives on that side of my family. And if history is any indicator of how things will go in the future, it is probably also the last.

Grandpa Ira

My mom would take us to see my grandparents every Christmas so I spent a lot of time with them in my life. However, my Grandpa Ira wasn't home a lot of the time when we went. He was a very busy cattle rancher, and a successful one at that! Also, most of the relatives were never around when I visited, and because my parents were divorced by the time I was two years old, I never really spent any time at all with my cousins. Up until a month or so ago I wouldn't have even been able to point out a single one of them in a crowd.

Ever since my mom's diagnosis of brain cancer back in March, I have been thinking a lot about what really matters in this life and that is my family and friendships. I decided to search out some of my cousins... really the only ones I knew of. And I found 3 of them on Facebook as well as their dad. It was nice to form some sort of connection to that side of my genetics. Earlier this year I was disappointed to find that the entire side of my paternal ancestry charts are empty, but records have been done for my mother's side and are completely filled out back about 9 to 12 generations. I started digging to find people, and was barely able to find a single person past my dad.

As I sat at this funeral for my dad's stepfather who had been around practically his entire life, I wondered what I'd missed out on by not being a regular participant of this side of my relatives' lives. As people got up and spoke their remarks about what a great man, father, grandfather he was, I felt a little shafted. I didn't get to know him. Part of that is my fault since I've been an adult for 10 years and could've made more of an effort. One of my cousins got up and gave a beautiful poetic tribute to his life as one of the last remaining cowboys in the west. I only knew she was my cousin because it said so in the program.

It's such a polar opposite of what happens in the other sides of my family. My stepdad's and mom's sides know me well, and I'm an active part of those family relationships. We have regular family reunions and see each other often. I hope that one day when I have a family, I'm able to do what needs to be done to make sure my posterity know each other and know where they came from and are proud of it.

It's funny that some people only have a few cousins and they are like siblings with each other, and then I have upwards of 60-70 cousins and half of them I have never met. It's pretty sad that families can break apart and never come back together. I hope nothing like that happens to the rest of my family, or to my future family. It is so sad that we are walking this Earth and know nothing about the people that we share genetics with.

I vow right now to never let that happen to my kids.

My grandpa's obituary is HERE.

http://carlbakerlandscaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/wildflower-meadow.jpg

Tonight I feel very reflective, contemplative, inquisitive and explorative. I know, it's a lot. This happens on occasion. I've been thinking a lot about what makes each of us important, valuable, beautiful, and of great worth?

Is it our religious beliefs or lack thereof? Is it our talents, or lack thereof? Is it our ability to work hard, or not work at all? Is it having this hair style and these clothes, or not caring at all what anyone is wearing or who made what? Is it saying these things, or saying what you're not supposed to?

I think a lot about this lately, and I can only answer those questions this way... you are important because you are. You are valuable because you are.
You are.

I wonder often how my mom feels when she looks in the mirror and doesn't see the person she has known, but sees a new form of herself she never expected to see. Hairless, fatigued, and whatever else she feels. But that's not her... she is the strongest person I know and every time I see or think of her, I am reminded of what amazing stock I came from. Her life is what makes her, well, her. Your life is what makes you, well, you.

Sometimes it seems as if our world is designed to wreck us, but there are so many beautiful things out there that can keep that from happening. One of my favorite quotes that I've had since I was 16 (that wretched time of life when fitting in is all that seems to matter) was perfectly said by E. E. Cummings:

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you like everyone else, is the hardest battle you can fight--never stop fighting."

This couldn't be more relevant to me than it is now. I know this is the transcendentalist in me talking, but I don't see the point in being another way. People are all inherently good, some have just forgotten their value, or how to be the good that they were.  There are so many different types of people in this world, and when I stop and think about all the cultures, and appearances, and colors, and dialects... it all just makes me feel grateful. Grateful that I can be here with the opportunity to experience all of this beautiful diversity. We are all valuable because we were all created, every single one of us.

Who can really say whether art isn't art? Therefore, who can really say whether beauty isn't beauty or whether something isn't valuable?

So, Utah is in a bit of a drought and several cities are restricting water usage to prevent from drying up the wells.

Well, this morning as I watched the below video, I think I cried enough tears to fill them back up. This video has been circulating through the Mormon boards on Pinterest. I have been meaning to watch it since Jeffrey R. Holland always knows the right things to say. I am so glad I made time for it this morning. I needed this message more than I can say. I hope that you take the 45 minutes to hear the full message. God loves us, and will help us triumph over our adversities. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's not just hard, it's miserable or scary or agonizing or terrible. I am thankful to know I have help when those times come.

When my mom was about to have her brain surgery in March, I was a bit of a mess. I sought refuge in the scriptures because I have found they calm me down when I feel anxious. During this time, I stumbled upon this scripture:

D&C 121:7-8 "My son [or daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have read and reread this scripture many nights since I found it. It has become one of my favorites through the hardships that come and go. I know that we are never left alone to rot in our own "liberty jails", and that God is with us and will help us triumph over our foes that life brings up. If you have any extra time, please watch the video. I promise you won't regret it.

So, I've heard a billion times that marriage is rough because of the ability to miscommunicate or do or say the wrong thing.

Honestly, I thought everyone just needed to try harder (before I got married). Now I realize there are 2 sides to every story. Watch this video, then proceed.



Sometimes, I feel sorry for men because they have to marry women, and we are bonkers crazy. But I also feel sorry for women because we have to marry men, and we can't go to them like we can our girlfriends. If you go to a guy, you need to know they'll just give you a solution, and women are the queens of not needing a solution, just needing to get their feelings out so they can move on from emotional outburst land.

Case in point - I vented to a guy I was dating once about a girl I was friends with that was being a royal pain in the butt... his response was "So stop hanging out with her." My expected response from him was, "WHAT A B-WORD HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT ABOUT YOU!" So naturally, he and I got in a fight...because who cares if he's right, RIGHT? It's hard to remember though when I talk to Justin about things that he is rarely ever going to say, "I'm sorry that must be hard for you." His usual response is, "Want me to punch them out for you?"(Solution oriented.)

Although, in this particular Youtube example, I can't think of one of my girlfriends who wouldn't be like, "Yeah that must be really painful and annoying, day in and day out, with those headaches. But here, let me pull out that nail and it should go away. There all better, let's get some ice cream and do our nails. Also you're hotter than any other girls, and you have better style, and are funnier." (Validation of my feelings first, solution next, followed by a pick me up activity and a major compliment fest to finish the deal.) Yeah, it takes a lot of work, and women just naturally know how to do this.

So I guess the moral of the story is, girls need girlfriends so they can vent properly, and guys need to fix things. It's just the way we all are.

The other moral of the story is, women are, in fact, crazy. And I live in Womanland, so I know... but guys wouldn't be alive if we weren't here, so I'm sorry guys, you have to deal with us.

The End.

Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from: http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.