Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

Hey Guys,

I'm seriously in love with my new creations. I want to buy them all for myself! Don't you just love them? I know I sure do.

Hey, here's a thought... why don't you buy one for your lover for Valentine's day? I wouldn't be offended in the slightest.  You know they'd love a throw pillow (you can never have too many), or even a bag to carry their books in, or a clock to remind them of when they need to call you and tell you they love you. BECAUSE WE ALL NEED THOSE THINGS.

CLICK HERE to view larger product images, product details & pricing at my Society6 page! You can also follow my Facebook page for new product updates: http://www.facebook.com/bylanalou

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I've always been a huge eye-roller toward bandwagons. The flared pants bandwagon that I swore I'd never ever ever do, but about 9 months later I had a pair of flared leg jeans with a stripe down the side (I was 14... it was the style in the late 90's/2000). I refused to ever wear skinny jeans because they were so tight and weird. I have tiny ankles and thought they would make my feet look like skis. Now they are what I wear 99% of the time and have since 2007. Skinny pants are made for stick legs. I happen to be the proud owner of a pair of very stick-like legs! It's been a match made in heaven.

I still can't seem to jump on the Ugg boots wagon though. I tried... but the cheap ones look awful, and the expensive ones are too pricey. So I just wear my moccasins. And I'm happy that way.

Lately it's the YOLO bandwagon that I have had a tendency to be annoyed by. I feel like YOLO or You Only Live Once is a way to get away with whatever you want and never have to apologize for hurting yourself or anyone else. I know... I'm such a boring grown up.

Well, today I want to stop being against this bandwagon. I think there might be something to this, when used in the right way. This past year has taught me a lot about life, and how even the healthiest of people can become extremely ill and be counting down the days to their end. I don't want to miss anymore of what seems exhilarating but never "for  me." I'm such an anxious person, that I've never gone cliff jumping, or gone for that huge job that I probably won't get any way, or moved to the other side of the world without a single plan in the works for when I get there. I'm the type that gets a job in a city and pays a down payment on a rental, with money I have saved for a few months in advance, before moving.

My mom's cancer has made me feel like I need to be more brave, less cautious, and just go for the gold. I still don't think I want to go sky diving with my husband, but there's a little time to work up to that one.

So today I took a baby step. I was at the grocery store picking up some lunch, and there was an awesome chicken salad snack bowl that had slices of cheese on the side. I started drooling like a Pavlovian dog, and I thought to myself, "I have been craving cheese for weeks but really shouldn't eat it since it hurts my stomach and I've been so good. Just walk away from it Lana." Then I turned and walked away from it.

I didn't get very far before the YOLO shoulder angel popped up and said, "Lana YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Eat the effing cheese and smile through the gas and cramps later!" (In case you're wondering, the YOLO fairy doesn't swear unless it's for something bigger than cheese.)

So I thought... YEAH. YOLO. YOLO!!!!! And I went and bought the dang thing, and ate it and LOVED IT. Sure my stomach hurts now and I am sitting here thinking... SCREW YOU CHEDDAR CHEESE, and screw your amazing delectability! But... at least I got to enjoy me some cheddar cheese for the first time since September.

I think tomorrow I might just go to Animal Ark and hold a tarantula. Or maybe I'll tattoo a picture of my family on my arms and then join a fight club.

Or maybe I'll just throw caution to the wind completely and show up to work at noon without calling in first.
YOLO, EMPLOYER. YOLO.

The possibilities really are endless!

What I'm really getting at is, I have nothing to fear but a life unlived. So... what should I do with all this time since I never know how much I have?

It seems anymore that plans are meant to be demolished with the world's largest wrecking ball. Justin and I left work early last Friday to head down to visit my mom only to be thwarted 5 minutes before arrival at her house. My stepdad called to say she needed to go up to her doctor's office which is 4 hours away from their home and would possibly be staying at the hospital for several days and if we were close, he'd wait to leave until we got there. (This hospital is 40 minutes from our house). We made it just in time to say goodbye and have them leave back in the direction we came from.

Justin and I spent some time cleaning up their house for them and then headed to visit his parents and stay there for the night after just driving the length of the state of Utah. The next afternoon we headed back to our home to get a good night's sleep in our own bed.

Just as we were getting close to home, one of our tires felt wobbly, and we had to pull off the road to check it. A lug nut was missing, and it felt like some were loose. We had just bought new tires a few days before and were pretty frustrated that the guy hadn't screwed our tire on properly, and we could've been in a serious accident. Thankfully, we were close enough to home that we could take city streets home and not be stuck driving on the 80mph roads we were on before.

We got home, and decided to take the car back into the tire store to have them check all the tires and make sure they were secure. The only problem is, it was the weekend and nothing was open in the morning since it was Sunday.  We have two vehicles, but one is not registered because we're selling it. We didn't want to drive the car with the loose wheel up to the hospital on Sunday to see my mom, but we needed to get up there to see her. Also, apparently the train from our area to the hospital where she was doesn't run on Sundays. THANKS FRONTRUNNER. We decided we would just drive the unregistered truck and hope and pray that no one in a police car would notice.

Luckily, we made it up there and back with no further problems (or traffic tickets) and my mom was improving quite nicely from where she was on Friday when they  left. We took the car into the tire place today and they fixed it as well, without making us pay for any further work.

While I didn't get my weekend with my mom that I've been trying to have for over a month... I did get an afternoon with her, and I will have to be grateful for that right now.

I swear life is destined to demolish any plans we make. I think its sole goal is to teach us to laugh and roll with things. Although, after all the madness, I just want to crawl into my bed and take a long Autumn nap. I'm tired of rolling with things, but is there really another option?

It wasn't all a bust though. Justin got a sleeve tattoo from our seven year old niece. See for yourself.

It was so windy in this picture that it looks like I'm in a 1970's jumpsuit instead of my wedding dress.  I SO VERY MUCH LOVE BAD PHOTOS OF US! (this photo has nothing to do with this post, by the way)

I'm obsessed with this print ---- Bon Iver - Analog Zine, by Hugo Barros

I am a sucker for all things artsy. I recently discovered an art site called Society6.com. When I first discovered the site, I sat gushing tirelessly over the pages and pages of art prints for days. I finally became obsessed with one in particular (pictured above) and ordered the largest size of it that was available.  (The artist's Society6 page is here if you want to see more of their work. They are ridiculously talented.) I am now searching for the perfect frame for this piece.  I have the spot picked out for it in my living room so I just need to find the right frame. Maybe I'll thrift store one and paint it to match.

After researching the site a little further, I found out I can have a page on there and sell my own artwork without losing the rights to my pieces.  After battling my "I'm no artist" and "who am I to think I can sell my stuff?" thoughts, I figured, "why not?", and created one myself.  I mostly have it loaded with photos I've taken while traveling and just a few things I painted myself. I'm currently in the process of drawing and painting more, so keep checking back on my page because you never know what you'll find! I definitely feel vulnerable to this, because letting the world judge what you consider to be a masterpiece is opening yourself up to rejection. But... I'm going to be bold and see what happens.

So... I painted the image for the new blog header a while ago. Some of you may remember it from THIS post.

I scanned it tonight and tweaked it with some cool edits, and came up with the lovely new header you see above! I happen to love it. It's weird, but it's my own creation, and I like that.

Also... the blog address you visit each time you come to my blog is changing. I am getting my own domain name! YES! I don't know why it took so long to do this before now. I guess I just had other things to do at the time... or I'm lazy.

Anyhow, by this weekend, you will need to update your information to my new blog address.

Details to come soon!

Life isn't fair, that's one thing I know for sure. It seems sometimes that it's dead set on beating a person down. Someone that didn't deserve it, and really wasn't expecting it.

I wrote this poem tonight during an angry-at-the-universe journaling session. It feels like sometimes that faith isn't enough. I will keep at it though. But honestly, it's not enough sometimes. Things happen and regardless of the faith you have, they will happen and that's life. That's the grit of life. You can't magically erase someone's pain. You can't magically heal cancer. You can just love the person that needs the love, and you can put your head phones on and zone out for an hour with sad music to help you get your emotions out so you won't take them out on your husband in the wrong way.

This is part of what came of my angry-at-the-universe journal session. Analyze it how you wish. This was my very first poem I've ever written just for the hell of it. I don't know why but part of my brain was thinking poetically tonight. Sorry guys, my life is full of greatness and hardships and that's reality. Today happens to be a day with some hardships and I happened to really need to get it down on paper... er... internet paper.

Aren't we cute?

So I've been married to my husband for over a year now. By the time you read this it will be a few days past our actual anniversary. We are celebrating our anniversary later, where we'll be off on an adventure, so the day of our anniversary is just relaxing.

I am cooking ribs (for the first time ever!), corn on the cob, and some homemade french fries... the kind with potato skins on them. I'm super excited. I seem to always follow recipes quite well so this should be a breeze.

I would've posted this the day of our anniversary, but I already had the house pictures post up, and that took sooooo long to do, that I put this off until later. You see, my life gets busy so if I don't write a bunch of blog posts at one time, I may not get much of them done during the week. I'm one of those pre-blogger bloggers. Thank heavens for being able to schedule posts!

So here is a short list of what I've learned in our short year together:

1. A perfect day can go south because of a bad facial expression, or an accidental irritable tone of voice...because marriage is FUN & EASY ALL THE TIME!

2. We both know how to instantly forgive and forget to protect our sanity. You have to remember to do both parts, people. You can't just forgive and keep remembering. Marriage isn't about finding someone who will never hurt you ever. It's about forgiving them when they DO hurt you. We've both done things intentionally and unintentionally that caused the other a little pain. Just let it go, that's the only way to survive. We're all human.

3. Our cat is our child.

4. People ALWAYS want to know why we don't have kids or aren't making one yet. In fact, the pressure started when we were engaged. People told us if we didn't ask God when we should have them that we were not being good Mormon people. First off... never mind, I can't say it out loud on the internet. My answer is, it's none of your business, folks. When you see my Facebook feed fill up with pregnancy photos, then you'll be able to answer the question you should be keeping to yourself anyway. Besides, if you must ask, the question shouldn't be WHEN it should be 'Are you guys thinking about having children?' Then we'll answer, "yes". And then you can keep the WHEN to yourself, because again, it's none of your business. [End Rant]

5. Never compare your relationship to another. The same two people that are in yours, are not in theirs. It's a whole different ballgame. Your marriage may be football, theirs may be chinese checkers. Different game, different rules. 

6. Everyone starts the marriage off with the 3 month food/tv/cuddle fest binge. Then you realize, "Holy crap we are the laziest piles of garbage ever, let's start planning dates! Wait... I'm tired, movie night on the couch again?"

7. Buying a house together was a freakin' blast, and a freakin' challenge. Our peaks of excitement matched our valleys of fights.

8. Suddenly I'm willing to not control as much so that my husband is happier.

9. I need to learn to put my shoes away. Seriously. What IS my problem?

10. A clean house keeps both of us happier and more productive. He taught me that.

11. At the end of our first year, we're still in love, and definitely don't want to murder each other. I'd chalk it up to a majorly successful year! Wouldn't you?

I like to spend time on the TED.com website every now and then. I chose to watch videos under the "courageous" section tonight and I found this.



I felt like sharing this because I have friends and family who are, or have been, in a relationship like this. Maybe not as violent, maybe more violent. I feel it is a very important subject that should never be taboo.

So... Why do women stay?

I have never been physically abused by a person who I was dating or related to. But, I have been emotionally abused. I used to say, "I would never stay if I was treated like that." But the truth is... I was, and the truth is, I stayed for 2 years. I have friends and family who have been physically beaten by the person that swore to love them.  I may have friends who are too wrapped up in "crazy love" to realize what is happening to them yet, or some that can't tell anyone yet but ache to be relieved of this burden.

One of my friends opened up to me a while ago about their violent marriage, and aside from being shocked because I knew them both fairly well, I felt like a terrible friend for never seeing any signs and helping them earlier. The truth is, this is more common than some of us think. And friends, if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I will not judge you, or think you are weak. But I will listen and try to help you get out.

I, thankfully, got out and found that I was worthy of kind, good, loving men. My husband is strong, and can fight a good fight with the best of them, but he would NEVER abuse me in any way. I am so grateful to know that he is my protector, and that I am safe with him emotionally and physically. I hope that we can all find that.

Nobody deserves to be battered.

So, Utah is in a bit of a drought and several cities are restricting water usage to prevent from drying up the wells.

Well, this morning as I watched the below video, I think I cried enough tears to fill them back up. This video has been circulating through the Mormon boards on Pinterest. I have been meaning to watch it since Jeffrey R. Holland always knows the right things to say. I am so glad I made time for it this morning. I needed this message more than I can say. I hope that you take the 45 minutes to hear the full message. God loves us, and will help us triumph over our adversities. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's not just hard, it's miserable or scary or agonizing or terrible. I am thankful to know I have help when those times come.

When my mom was about to have her brain surgery in March, I was a bit of a mess. I sought refuge in the scriptures because I have found they calm me down when I feel anxious. During this time, I stumbled upon this scripture:

D&C 121:7-8 "My son [or daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have read and reread this scripture many nights since I found it. It has become one of my favorites through the hardships that come and go. I know that we are never left alone to rot in our own "liberty jails", and that God is with us and will help us triumph over our foes that life brings up. If you have any extra time, please watch the video. I promise you won't regret it.

Faith is a topic that is ever-pressing in my life at the moment... not just mine actually, my whole family's.

My teenage brothers are at the age where they are discovering if they need faith in their lives, or what it even means to them.

Quote photo taken from: http://www.greatblackspeakers.com/a-walk-in-faith/

My brother BB is trying to discover if his faith can move mountains.

My mom is just trying to have faith that the doctors can help her eat food again someday and that the cancer treatments will allow her to stay here with us.

My other siblings seem to be hanging in there ok. They have children to worry about and careers to build and need to keep pushing for their families.

My stepdad and I are both deep in our thoughts a lot trying to make sense of this whole thing. Moms are supposed to live forever. Or at least until their children are old. I always assumed my mom was invincible, God has shown me she is as human as the rest of us despite her ability to rise above everything like a super-human.

Standing in the hallway at the hospital yesterday while the nurses gave her a pick-line killed me. I've never heard my mom in pain like that. I've never seen her face look the way it does everyday now. Where there was the brightest light there is so much pain and exhaustion. Yet, she still says, "I'm sorry I'm not much fun right now."  Such a mom to worry about her kids and if they are having fun hanging out with her in the hospital. She is my hero. 

Today my stepdad and I had a conversation at the hospital that is precisely what I've been wondering for the past 3 months.

Me- "Sometimes I wonder what faith is even for? If God wants my mother he will take my mother, and I can't will him to change his mind, even if I have all the faith in the world that God can heal her from this cancer. So what's it all for in the end? If God already has his plan in mind, what's the point of me asking him to do what I want?"

Him- "But if you don't have faith, what do you have? I can't imagine not having hope and what that would be like."

Me- "it seems life would be a terrible place to be."

Him - (he nods)

My husband and I were driving around tonight and I talked to him about the same thing. We talked a lot about how faith isn't that things will be as we want them, faith is believing that despite what happens, we can continue and be ok and know that God will be there for us even if he doesn't give us what we want. I think this is where I struggle. I am having a test of my faith in such a way that I've never experienced before.

The Lord in Heaven has seen fit to allow our family to fall into deep water. Sometimes I feel like I'm treading water just fine, and that I'll never sink... and then days like today I just feel like my head has gone under and I'm fighting to get back to the surface... where I'll be ok and happy and positive and courageous. I wonder if that's what my mom feels like right now. The day she entered the hospital 5 days ago because she can't eat anything, and is really sick from her treatments, we spoke on the phone. She told me of how hard it has been, and I could hear the pain and emotional strain she was under. And then abruptly she changed directions and asked me about the house we were in the process of buying. (I say 'were' because... it was quite the ordeal and is over now. But I'll save that for another time.)

As if that even matters, mom. All that really matters is how she is doing.

This weekend we'd been planning to host a sweet 16/going away party for our German "sister", Shannon. She moved in with us as part of the foreign exchange student program last August, and bonded quite quickly with my mom. My mom has told me how much she has loved having her in their home and how she thinks of her as one of her own children. Mom dreamed up this beautiful outside cookout at one of our old barns at one of our farms, complete with white lights everywhere and party decor. She was so sad that she was cooped up in the hospital (and still is) and she made me promise we would NOT cancel the party.

Here are some pictures from the party. It was a huge success, and when I showed her the pictures this morning at the hospital, she was very happy we made it happen.

I grew up around scenery like this. I'm a lucky girl.

Selfie shot

BB likes bunnies.

The Birthday Girl

Some of the barn party clan.

Another night shot of the lights.

Life is crazy, it can change in a heartbeat and people you think are invincible, can be sicker than they ever have. I have learned one thing, happily ever after doesn't exist. My brother and I had a heavy heart to heart last night, and we both were crying, and it was said during the conversation, "no matter how good it gets it never lasts, things finally get good, and then another blow comes to knock us down."

Sometimes I feel like life is just exactly that way. It is just about enduring the blows and enjoying the calms between the storms. Perhaps that's a little pessimistic, or maybe it's realistic. Who knows? The calms are always quite lovely and they are my favorite part. I know the storms are where you learn what you're really made of, but sometimes I just want to stop having them.

But, it doesn't matter what I want, life goes on regardless.

Sometimes I wonder if people feel things the same way I do. Sometimes I wonder if all we really need is just to walk around and hug people, or put our hands on their shoulder and say, "Hey, whatever it is, you're not alone." I wish someone would do that to me. Or even better, I wish everyone I know would line up and just give me hugs one by one for the next 24 hours.

It is so hard to watch the people I love go through hard things. I can't imagine even trying to help others that I don't even know.

Watching my mom go through what she has been given to endure, is just heart wrenching. She is as strong as God makes a person. But hearing her admit that this is something she wasn't prepared for and that it's probably the sickest she's ever been breaks my heart. Then there's everyone in our family. All of us carry our own heavy weight as well because our mother/wife/grandma/aunt/sister/daughter/niece/cousin is in pain.

You know, sometimes I feel guilty about going through my everyday as if it's just a normal day, and as if my mom is just fine and that she doesn't have cancer and isn't miserable. I know that is the only way we can really continue on when hardships come, and that is one lesson my mom has taught me with her ever steadfast example. She never blinks when adversity stares her in the face. The tears may come, and she may fall to her knees, but she never blinks. She is a fierce contender for the adversary. I know he knows it.

That is why I have the world's best mom, you guys. 

I'm just sitting here feeling heavy hearted tonight as she battles feeling the most sick she ever has. Right now I wish I had a month off of work to go stay with her and help her get back to healthy. She is done with her treatments for a while, but the effects take a while to subside, and they are really in full force right now.

My cousin did a beautiful thing this week, she cut off all her hair in support of my mom's hair loss from radiation. I am so grateful for beautiful people in this world. I am surrounded by the loveliest of people, that all have big hearts, and selfless attitudes.

It's weird, I'll be just fine for days and weeks, and then I'll have a day where I have to go sit in the bathroom stall at work, and do some anxiety breathing to avoid a cry-fest. I did that today. Sometimes I just want to stand up and scream, "THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!" and get up and leave work and just take a vacation until everything gets better. But the truth is, this is life. Sometimes you're covered in mud and you just have to keep going even with the mud all over you. But, I remember being a kid and playing in mud was fun.

Adult mud sucks.

So, thanks for reading my depressing post. If you see me, give me a big hug, ok? I'll be ok. I think I just need to go to sleep.

So... Tuesday I turned 29. WOW... I am almost 30! It's super crazy to think about. My husband took great care of me, throwing me a barbecue (my favorite birthday activity) and cooking for everyone. He also got me some running gear, like shoes, a water belt and a hat! I have to say, my first birthday married to him was a huge success. I'm so grateful for him!

Birthday pie is far better than birthday cake, or any type of cake.

As many bloggers do around their birthdays, I will be doing a post about 29 things I've learned in my 29 years here on earth. So here goes...

1. I've learned that friends come and go, but the real ones won't care how much distance or time has been put between our last conversation or meeting, they will always be there for me just like they were before.

2. Sometimes I get to a point in life where I have done what I can in a place, and soon I'll need to get out and explore again to feel a fire start inside of me. That is why cars were invented... so I can move around!

3. I can qualify by myself to buy a nice comfortable small house, I'm legit y'all.

4. Two opinionated headstrong people can live together and be just fine. They just have to make sure they communicate.

5. Cleaning the house and making dinner before my husband gets home on his busy weekends isn't anti-feminist, it's pro-love and makes him feel awesome. Which makes me feel awesome.

6. Candy really isn't good, you can actually grow to crave cucumber slices over a snickers.

7. I have GOT to be more pro-active in my health.

8. When you're married, you share all illnesses.

9. Cancer is no respecter of persons. Who cancer wants, cancer will take.

10. Boys use a LOT of toilet paper.

11. Cooking my own food provides the best results, every time.

12. I never know what I can handle until I have to live through it. Then, there I am, handling it better than I ever imagined I could, or handling something I didn't think I ever would be able to stand.

13. When I was younger, if something didn't reward me directly I didn't like it or want it. Now what makes me happy is still my own successes, but also seeing everyone I love succeed.

14. The design of college needs to be rethought. It is functional, but it is mostly a business. There is something missing that would make it truly great. If I could pinpoint that one thing, I'd start selling my idea to them.

15. I can grow plants from seeds.

16. Not every one wants friends... still boggles my mind.

17. Cats and dogs have souls. My cat looks me directly in the eye and puts his forehead on my cheek when I have been super kind and caring toward him all day. Probably the single most adorable thing to ever happen to me.

18. I'm not ready yet to be a mom, but I can see it happening someday. It would be cool to see someone you made grow into an awesome human.

19. People often want to complain about the messes they're in, but they never want advice... they just want to keep complaining until they decide to do something about it themselves. We are all guilty of this.

20. Even when I turn my back on people, they can surprise me for good. We just have to be wise about who we let back in when this happens. Some surprises are permanent changes. Some are just short-lived.

21. Laughter picks up even the worst days. My mom can suddenly find out she has a brain tumor, and have to have her brain cut into, and have to go through chemo and radiation and lose all her hair and be sicker than she ever has in her life, but every few days, my husband and I can have silly moments that make me laugh until I cry, and can't breathe. Because of this, I can find myself strong enough to go on with life and continue feeling hopeful.

22. God never leaves me. He is the hope in my heart, and the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

23. Even if I stop making art for 10 years, my mind will remember what my hands forgot. I just have to be patient and help my hands remember.

24. Running is power.

25. If we could look into the souls of every person, we would never hurt anyone. There is beauty in everyone, some people just don't know how to show theirs... yet. Some people just need to learn how to look for it.

26. Everyone can teach you something. Even if they are 2 years old and you are 80. You just have to be open to learning.

27. I am kind. I am smart. I am important.

28. Everyone is walking around with baggage... no one is baggage free, some just have learned how to carry it properly. If we could all see what God has asked each other to carry, we would understand where people are coming from.

29. I owe myself success.

Well, there you have it! That's not all I've learned, but those are the 29 that come to mind this morning. I'm loving this morning to myself thing. I am working a night shift tonight because of some work I have to do, so I fully intend to make the most of my beloved daytime hours! I think a jog in my new birthday running shoes is on the agenda before I head to the office. Have a great day everyone. Why don't you share with me some things you've learned? I would love to hear from you.

Right before brain surgery

So... my mom only has 2 more weeks of her awful radiation and chemotherapy sessions, and then she gets a much needed break. She'll get to go home and be with our family that are still living there, and be where she belongs and get to rest! It's been hard watching her do the hard thing, and go through treatment. It has been a battle for her for sure, and there are times where I know she feels like quitting because it is a huge burden to bear. Chemotherapy and radiation are killing treatments. They are not designed to make you feel better while doing them. They are designed to kill cancer. My mom is an inspiration, even if she's not trying to be one. She is tough, and driven, and amazing. She is one of a kind, and I thank God everyday for watching over her always.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and help. Thank you for driving her to and from her home each Friday so she can spend 48 hours where she lives before she starts treatment again on Mondays. Thank you for making dinners for my stepdad, and brothers and sister. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your hugs! Thank you for loving my mom, and our family.

These past 2 months I've spent a lot of time in prayer, or contemplation. Justin has helped me through sad days, and I'm so grateful for him. I am so thankful that our Savior, Jesus, atoned for the heartaches of this world, so that I could know I'm never alone in challenges, and that all of those around me are never alone in theirs. It boggles my mind to understand the concept of the atonement, but the more life I live, and the more pain people I love go through, I am ever grateful that someone was willing to say, "Here am I, send me. I will suffer for them."

Cancer is a stupid worthless thing, but it has reminded me of what's truly important, and that is family and loved ones.  I am so grateful to know that while everything else in this life disappears or ends, we never can lose who we are, or who we love. It's such a beautiful design. I'm reminded of the scripture in the New Testament of the Bible, in Matthew 6:19-20,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal, For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I found a song on my playlist of "unlistened to songs" that I go through from time to time. It is by Greg Laswell, the lyrics are sad, but the song is beautiful and has stirred up emotions in me, related to my mom's cancer, the few times I listened to it over the past little while. The first time I heard it was while driving to the hospital to visit her the day before her brain tumor surgery. Needless to say, I ended up in full blown tears. Also, this video I found for it on Youtube is beautiful. Whoever did the animation is a genius.



Let me know what you think of the song, my writing, or anything in general. :)