Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

Justin and I have spent some time really making our house feel like a sanctuary from the world. For us that involves positive attitudes, incessant laughter, love and a lot of really great items that remind us of all the things we find beautiful... and surrounding ourselves with all of that.

Here's a photo roll of some of the little details that really make a difference in it not being just another place, but our very own home.








And how could it feel like a real home to me, without a pet or two?

Guys.

My dream came true last week.

There are no words to perfectly describe my elation at finally owning a real, acoustic, upright piano.

They say never go to bed angry.
They say never get a king size bed.

Some say in order to stay together you should never keep secrets.
Others say in order to stay together you have to have your own things.

Here's what I say:

If you don't go to bed angry you'll stay up until 3 am fighting. Because fighting when tired breeds more fighting, until neither of you even know what you're talking about and you're just fighting because you're tired.

A king size bed allows us to feel like we have all the space in the world to sleep without anybody waking the other up. And we both REALLY value our sleep, so we need this. However, every morning we wake up piled in the middle of our massive bed. So get a king size bed, and use the crap out of it. You'll still love each other, that is, if you loved each other already.

My last piece of advice is this:

The couple that laughs together, lasts together. Nothing gets you through life better than a good laugh.  Tell me the last time you didn't enjoy a good giggle fest, laugh-a-thon or giant guffaw.

You can't, because everyone enjoys laughing. It happens because you're happy. Even if you're laughing at the end of the worst possible day and it couldn't get any worse, you laugh because deep down inside, there's a tiny shred of you that can see that it is somehow going to be ok.

I think I'll open a clinic down the street dedicated to laughter therapy. And no one will have to pay unless I got them to chuckle at least a little.

I don't think we've gone a single day of our marriage without the tiniest of chuckles. No one appreciates my dad-like sense of humor like he does. And no one can get me to laugh until I can't breathe as often as he can. We're two peas in a giggling pod.  See for yourself below.

(Pardon the blurred photos. We aren't able to focus a camera whilst taking selfies. Yeah, I said whilst. I say whilst, when I'm feeling good. Must be all this laughter therapy going on.)

What to buy, or do with the money?

What are your favorite things to do with tax refunds?

Do you buy new furniture, a new Macbook, pay off some debt, go on a vacation, donate to charity, wipe your butt with it, burn it and laugh about how rich you already are?

I'd love to hear what you're hoping to do with all them benjamins. Share your ideas below in the comments!

http://sfrc.ufl.edu/Extension/florida_forestry_information/images/price_dollars.gif

Journal Series:

Monday, January 27, 2014.

I sit here tonight from the comfort of my bed and it's only 8:45 PM. Sometimes you just need to wrap up in your cozy blankets, turn on some Bob Dylan and write. I am so thankful for the life I have right now. I am blessed with so many things that I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to have. But... as most extroverts do, I will try.

Sometimes life gets routine, day in and day out, same old story and it can feel like you're just passing time without really living. However, if you look at each day, and really look, you will see the good in it all. I got this lesson from my new favorite movie - About Time. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The biggest lesson in the movie is this: Live each day as if you're going back to it and living it on purpose.

Today I really thought about this. It was a typical Monday at work, super hard to wake up because my bed is the most comfortable bed on the planet. I didn't sleep that well because my big, orange cat woke me up at about 4 AM. He was in the middle of convulsing off the side of our bed. The weird thing was, whose cat is smart enough to lean OFF the bed to puke? I swear I have the two smartest cats in the world living in my house. The little white one? He can meow back when you sing to him. He can also bring you his mouse and drop it at your feet when he wants to play.

So, I shoved Mr. Spewer off the bed and let him out of the room so he could go puke outside. Then I had to clean it up. He never pukes, that was a super weird thing to have happen. He's usually just a little cuddle bug all night.

Anyway, Monday was as it always is at work... everything I wanted to get done got shoved to the side so I could get everything else that went crazy done instead. I finished up work and left with Justin. I'm so grateful we work in such close proximity so we can share one car and really save money for our dreams.

Then, when we got home I cooked a fantastic simple meal, and we had a mini-marathon of That 70's Show on Netflix and laughed our heads off while sprawling out on our couch, each of us to an end with our feet crammed in the middle. Then afterward, Justin chased the two cats around the house. The little, white one chasing his mouse and leaping like he was on a springboard. The big, orange one playing tag with Justin from room to room.

My life is sweet and blissful. I am so lucky that I get to live it. I love my little family. Nothing makes me feel better than laughter and peace. I'm lucky that I get to have this right now. I feel a huge debt of gratitude to my God and to the universe tonight for allowing me to have these moments. I am happy.

Good night, and sweet dreams. (If it's day time when you read this, I hope your day is filled with every thing/person you love and hope for.)

I can't ever say enough how much I love spending time with strong women. I am a lucky girl because I happen to know so many. I was lucky enough to get not one, but TWO of my closest girlfriends in town at the same time during New Year's holiday time. I miss them so much, and I really never get sick of just sitting and talking for hours about EVERYTHING. These girls take me as I am, and encourage me to be bold. I am ever so grateful for their friendship. I only wish they didn't move several states away!

Last weekend I had the pleasure of having brunch with several of my other girlfriends in this area. I'm so grateful I went. They really do boost my self-esteem when I go. I just feel like I can be as strong as I want to be when I am around these girls. Nothing should ever break our spirits, but life has a way of beating us down sometimes. Being around strong women has a way of empowering me again, and reminding me that I, too, can do whatever I want to do, and be bold and go for the life I want, regardless of the time it will take to get there.

I love this feeling. Right now I feel strong, and empowered. Such a great way to feel after hanging out with people. That's how you know you are in the presence of good people-- when you come away feeling positive and motivated.

I'm so thankful for moments like this, when I feel stronger than I thought I was yesterday, and when I am able to pull up my bootstraps and get going! Be prepared for some feminist posts to come!

So... sometimes we hang out with my little, teenage (bigger than me) brothers. We are all soooooooo cool. I love this time of year, and taking off a lot of work so I can have time to bother them with my camera.

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

The title of this post is one of my favorite hymns. It's short, sweet and speaks of how I feel on a regular basis. Utah is full of beauty everywhere I look -- the mountains in any given season, the valleys, and the sunsets. We truly live in a beautiful state. While driving home from my parents' house to ours after Thanksgiving, my husband and I encountered the below scenes. Excuse the poor quality pictures, we were driving in crazy holiday traffic so they are all through the car windows. Also note, there is no filter.

God is a master artist.

Guys, my Thanksgiving holiday was truly THE best. Here's why:

The entire setup and most of the group. (Crazy Panorama)

My siblings and I arranged to cook the entire meal by ourselves. We ended up roping my stepdad in to cook the turkey, but other than that, we set everything up, prepared the food and organized the whole day. All my mom had to do was show up and eat. It worked out to be a HUGE success. My mom just hung out while her children prepared food in her kitchen and got everything together. When it was finally ready, I asked her what she thought of the day. And she said, "I should've had you guys making all the food for the past several years. This is really great."

I'm so glad we were able to make her Thanksgiving. She is unable to cook anymore and half of the time she can't even eat anything, so it made me really happy that every single one of my siblings was on board to execute my plan. When I first thought of the idea, I texted my oldest brother and his response was, "OF COURSE, I will make the turkey!!!!"

We had to change those plans because he has 5 kids, and couldn't get there with enough time to cook it, but I loved his enthusiasm. Everyone was the same way. After dinner we all just hung out, watched old home movies, and talked with my mom.

My mom and her newest granddaughter.

My sister, sisters-in-law, mom and me.

I spent the entire next day with my mom. It was nice because I never get time alone with her anymore, and I really wanted it. Also, it allowed my stepdad to get some work done and not have to worry about her for several hours. I cleaned their house and sat with her while she slept. She used all of her energy staying awake on Thanksgiving so she slept almost the entire day Friday. I can't imagine what her life is like anymore. We talked a little bit about how she feels lately, and it's been really hard on her. She can't form a sentence almost 80% of the time now because she can't find the right words to get her thoughts out. Her thoughts are a big jumbled mess. Every now and then she'll be able to say exactly what she means, and it makes her really happy. The rest of the time she's pretty frustrated. I feel so bad. It's amazing what 9 months of time can do to a person. Back in February, she was as she always was -- healthy, vibrant and full of energy.  Nine months later, she's deteriorated quite far. It breaks my heart every time I see her, but I know that she's still my same mom that has always been there.

Despite all this, her hair is finally starting to grow back. It gives me hope that good things are coming.

Saturday, my sister, and one of my sisters-in-law, came back over to my mom's house. We spent the whole day decorating her house for Christmas. We had a lot of help decorating by way of some little elves (three of my nieces), and it was a lot of fun! My mom slept through most of it, but when she woke up and could see it, she made sure to tell us it looked great! Christmas is one of my mom's favorite times of year, so I'm really grateful we were able to get her house all setup for the holiday season.

Mom's tree, freshly decorated by the granddaughters (ages 3-7).

All I want for Christmas this year is for my mom to have a great holiday, and to have vast improvements in her health. She is the most beautiful person I know, and I hope and pray that we'll find a way to get her health to improve. It was such a beautiful Thanksgiving, full of help, service, and family. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. I feel rejuvenated and ready for this holiday season!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I'm too busy cooking food, and eating it to write a real post. So you get THIS DELIGHTFUL GEM OF A PHOTO. (I save my best work for when I'm not salivating over turkey!) Don't forget to tell everyone how grateful you are for them today.

I'm just happy my whole family gathered together this year to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom. I am so thankful for my loved ones. I couldn't handle life without them!

What are you thankful for this year?

Leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you on this lovely holiday!

You know how we all love vacations from work right? Well... does anyone else have to work all those vacation hours you are planning on taking before you even go on a vacation?

Sometimes I feel like my job is so busy that if I want any days off, I have to work all those hours prior to taking them off. For example, I get two days off this week for the Thanksgiving holiday.

YES!!!!!

BUT... Saturday I worked a full day at my house. Sunday too. So technically, I should be getting 2 extra paid days this week instead of just the two I'm not working because of the holiday.

Does anyone want to let my boss know? HAHA...NOT (yeah I just said NOT). I love my job, but sometimes I just need to not have to burn myself out just so I can take a day off. But hey, all complaining aside, it's job security and I really love that about it. Plus, they do take care of us in other ways, so I can't complain too much, right?

It could be worse. I could be a manure scooper at a ranch. Or I could be a drive-thru clerk at Weinerschnitzel (does anyone actually eat there?). So I will just take this Thanksgiving week to say this:

I am extremely grateful that I have a job that keeps me busy and helps me pay my bills. It adds to my ever-expanding resume constantly, and that is something that doesn't happen too often in today's job market. So, I actually do have a great job and I'm VERY grateful they've loved me for the past 4.5 years.

I'm just tired...REALLY TIRED... and ready to see my whole family, stuff my mouth with turkey, gravy, pie and potatoes and not have a single care in the world except, "PIE...MMMM...GOOD."

*SIGH*

2 more days.

In other news... when I took a few hours break from working on Saturday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen in almost 7 or 8 years. She just moved to the area and I am excited she's here!
I just love reunions with great people.

I stole this photo from her Instagram. Aren't we a lovely pair?

There seems to be an unspoken rule among women that you're not supposed to know you have a great body, or that you're skinny, or that you think you're pretty. It's like we're all supposed to join together and hate our bodies, but if someone compliments us on how we look thinner, we're supposed to feel AMAZING! It's weird. What if I know I'm skinny already?

I've been a twig my whole life. My mom has been a twig her whole life. My grandma has too. I come from a long line of twigs. Still don't believe me? Go look at my little brothers. One is 6'7" and is lean and hipster looking. (He has luscious shoulder length hair that accentuates his cheek bones. The girls at his high school must be piles of goo when he walks by.)

Here are a few of my favorite (read: annoying) things that have happened in relation to my weight:

I was emailed once through Facebook by a girl in my church. She had been suffering from bulimia, and was positive I was anorexic because I'm very thin. She told me if I ever wanted to talk to her about my eating disorder, she would be all ears because she understood. HAHAHA... thanks for the help, girlfriend.

A boy entering my apartment with his friends sees me walk into the room, "Whoa, do you eat... ever?"
No, I'm the only person alive who doesn't need food to survive. I'm a magical unicorn of sorts. Here, take a picture with me so you can tell all your friends!

A former boss said to me one day while in his office, "Hey, you look like a concentration camp victim." And then laughed. That one actually got to me. I went to lunch, called my mom and bawled. That is not a compliment sir, you said I look like a walking corpse. SO not a compliment.

The list of these goes on and on. I thought being skinny is what every girl wants? Why is it so weird to people then when they see someone thin?

The truth is, there's a lot of things that keep me skinny. When I'm emotionally stressed, I'm not hungry. So if I ever go through something hard, I drop 10-15 pounds over about 6 months. It usually takes me the following year or two to put those damn pounds back on, so I'm never happy about the weight I lost. The other truth is, my genetics are small-boned, tall, lean frames. Even when I do gain weight, I'm still a size 3.

I think it would be so much better if people really could accept everyone regardless of size. Larger people want to be accepted for their weight and shape. Why can't people accept tiny, skinny people?

Here's what's happening in my head now... I no longer care if I look skinny. There are outfits that I used to avoid because they elongated my figure or made me look flatter chested. There are hairstyles I avoided because they made my cheekbones more pronounced and you could see my long thin neck. I just don't care anymore. I am a twig-like female. I'm actually really grateful for this twiggy frame I've been given. It's come in handy if I ever needed to squeeze through a fence! It's also come in handy because it's healthy. I am a healthy, happy, human being, and I love myself more and more the older I get. I even embraced my natural dirty blond hair color this year. THAT is confidence, kids.

I'm not posting this to brag, or to say my life has been hard as a thin person. I'm just posting it because I don't care anymore what anyone thinks.

Hi, My name is Lana and I'm naturally skinny. I can eat carbs all day and not get fat.

And I like it.

But that's not all that defines me... in fact I prefer not to define myself by my size. I prefer to define myself by my talents and what I have to offer the world.

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

It seems anymore that plans are meant to be demolished with the world's largest wrecking ball. Justin and I left work early last Friday to head down to visit my mom only to be thwarted 5 minutes before arrival at her house. My stepdad called to say she needed to go up to her doctor's office which is 4 hours away from their home and would possibly be staying at the hospital for several days and if we were close, he'd wait to leave until we got there. (This hospital is 40 minutes from our house). We made it just in time to say goodbye and have them leave back in the direction we came from.

Justin and I spent some time cleaning up their house for them and then headed to visit his parents and stay there for the night after just driving the length of the state of Utah. The next afternoon we headed back to our home to get a good night's sleep in our own bed.

Just as we were getting close to home, one of our tires felt wobbly, and we had to pull off the road to check it. A lug nut was missing, and it felt like some were loose. We had just bought new tires a few days before and were pretty frustrated that the guy hadn't screwed our tire on properly, and we could've been in a serious accident. Thankfully, we were close enough to home that we could take city streets home and not be stuck driving on the 80mph roads we were on before.

We got home, and decided to take the car back into the tire store to have them check all the tires and make sure they were secure. The only problem is, it was the weekend and nothing was open in the morning since it was Sunday.  We have two vehicles, but one is not registered because we're selling it. We didn't want to drive the car with the loose wheel up to the hospital on Sunday to see my mom, but we needed to get up there to see her. Also, apparently the train from our area to the hospital where she was doesn't run on Sundays. THANKS FRONTRUNNER. We decided we would just drive the unregistered truck and hope and pray that no one in a police car would notice.

Luckily, we made it up there and back with no further problems (or traffic tickets) and my mom was improving quite nicely from where she was on Friday when they  left. We took the car into the tire place today and they fixed it as well, without making us pay for any further work.

While I didn't get my weekend with my mom that I've been trying to have for over a month... I did get an afternoon with her, and I will have to be grateful for that right now.

I swear life is destined to demolish any plans we make. I think its sole goal is to teach us to laugh and roll with things. Although, after all the madness, I just want to crawl into my bed and take a long Autumn nap. I'm tired of rolling with things, but is there really another option?

It wasn't all a bust though. Justin got a sleeve tattoo from our seven year old niece. See for yourself.