Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

They say never go to bed angry.
They say never get a king size bed.

Some say in order to stay together you should never keep secrets.
Others say in order to stay together you have to have your own things.

Here's what I say:

If you don't go to bed angry you'll stay up until 3 am fighting. Because fighting when tired breeds more fighting, until neither of you even know what you're talking about and you're just fighting because you're tired.

A king size bed allows us to feel like we have all the space in the world to sleep without anybody waking the other up. And we both REALLY value our sleep, so we need this. However, every morning we wake up piled in the middle of our massive bed. So get a king size bed, and use the crap out of it. You'll still love each other, that is, if you loved each other already.

My last piece of advice is this:

The couple that laughs together, lasts together. Nothing gets you through life better than a good laugh.  Tell me the last time you didn't enjoy a good giggle fest, laugh-a-thon or giant guffaw.

You can't, because everyone enjoys laughing. It happens because you're happy. Even if you're laughing at the end of the worst possible day and it couldn't get any worse, you laugh because deep down inside, there's a tiny shred of you that can see that it is somehow going to be ok.

I think I'll open a clinic down the street dedicated to laughter therapy. And no one will have to pay unless I got them to chuckle at least a little.

I don't think we've gone a single day of our marriage without the tiniest of chuckles. No one appreciates my dad-like sense of humor like he does. And no one can get me to laugh until I can't breathe as often as he can. We're two peas in a giggling pod.  See for yourself below.

(Pardon the blurred photos. We aren't able to focus a camera whilst taking selfies. Yeah, I said whilst. I say whilst, when I'm feeling good. Must be all this laughter therapy going on.)

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I've spent the past year in a kind of fog. Shortly after I got married and had a blast on a cruise to the tropics, something was a little off with me. First it started with a few random instances of acute nausea for 5 minutes here and there. People at work teasing me that I was pregnant with my honeymoon baby. (Insert shrill scream. SO NOT READY FOR A KID.) Then I started regularly having problems with my stomach. I thought maybe my anxiety was back, but I didn't feel anxious, only my stomach issues were present. I went through a lot of ideas before I went to my doctor. I asked her if it was my birth control pill. I'd been on the generic form of this pill for 6 years at this point, with no issues. The last 3 months before my appointment, however, were not the same. My personality had changed too. I no longer felt like doing ANYTHING. I would come home and vegetate every single night and just feel... blah.

That's the only word to describe it. Two or three times a week after we ate dinner I'd be sick for the rest of the night. My doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist who checked nothing, no blood test, he didn't even touch my stomach to check for problems, and then he put me on this horrendously awful antibiotic to kill a "possible parasite from your honeymoon abroad". I questioned his judgment but dumbly followed his advice. This pill was in my system for 8 days. The first 5 days I was taking it I progressively got sicker and sicker until day 5. I was so stoned (I'm amazed I made it through any of those days at work), my whole body hurt and I was vomiting so badly that I almost drove myself to the ER. I quit taking it that night and laid in bed the next 3 days until it was out of my system. It took a week though before I stopped tasting metal in my mouth.

If a doctor ever prescribes you Metronizadole, tell him he's gotta be out of his effing mind!

I went to another doctor who wanted to give me the dreaded colonoscopy and endoscopy. My husband and I at this point were willing to do it until I found out it wasn't covered by insurance because I'm too young to need one. I was so sick of being miserable but something didn't feel right. I didn't think we needed to pay $2000 for me to have the procedure. So then we looked into diet changes, I stopped eating dairy completely for 3 weeks and started to improve. Right about this time though I started getting really hot and nauseated multiple times a day. I'd have to run to the bathroom wherever I was and put water on my face and try not to vomit. My skin would be hot to the touch on my arms, chest, neck and face. For anywhere from 2 minutes to 5 hours. I was having hot flashes!

I was really depressed and felt like I had become trapped in an old lady's body. I felt like a bad wife because I was never happy or energetic, and didn't want to do anything ever. I was messy, and miserable. One night I sat my husband down and discussed me quitting the birth control pill I was on. I had been on it for 7 years at this point and just wanted to cleanse my body of everything unnatural to it. I needed to see what life was like without it again, and get myself healthy. We aren't ready to have kids so we really didn't want me to go off it. I just knew, though, that it would be the right thing for me. So that night, I quit taking my pill. Three months later I have improved dramatically. Although I do have to say throughout the month following that day, I was a trainwreck. My emotions were all over the board, my body had no idea what to do with itself, I was exhausted, hormonal, mean, sick, and just plain batshit crazy.

But I felt happier inside. I felt my depression start to lift.

Funny thing though, my natural hormone production has gone haywire with all those years on the pill. I have teenage acne, my hair is greasy, but my body LOVES being away from those crazy hormones. Other fun perks, my husband says my breath smells better than it ever did. (Sorry for my contraceptive-caused halitosis this whole time!) I also feel like my brain is waking up to new goals, new hobbies, cleanliness, and happiness. I am so thankful I went with my gut. We really do know our bodies and can figure out what they need if we pay enough attention. I knew 6 months before I quit that pill that I needed to. I wish I had sooner.

For the record, I was taking Yaz and its generic derivative. I will never take that crap ever again. It is seriously messed up. I read forums after I quit about the insane side effects it causes in women. And not just the ones in the lawsuits.

It feels so good to be responsible for my health and in control of it once again. Now if I could just get my body to handle cheese again! I miss pizza. It's been almost a year since I could stomach it.

Baby steps...

I like to spend time on the TED.com website every now and then. I chose to watch videos under the "courageous" section tonight and I found this.



I felt like sharing this because I have friends and family who are, or have been, in a relationship like this. Maybe not as violent, maybe more violent. I feel it is a very important subject that should never be taboo.

So... Why do women stay?

I have never been physically abused by a person who I was dating or related to. But, I have been emotionally abused. I used to say, "I would never stay if I was treated like that." But the truth is... I was, and the truth is, I stayed for 2 years. I have friends and family who have been physically beaten by the person that swore to love them.  I may have friends who are too wrapped up in "crazy love" to realize what is happening to them yet, or some that can't tell anyone yet but ache to be relieved of this burden.

One of my friends opened up to me a while ago about their violent marriage, and aside from being shocked because I knew them both fairly well, I felt like a terrible friend for never seeing any signs and helping them earlier. The truth is, this is more common than some of us think. And friends, if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I will not judge you, or think you are weak. But I will listen and try to help you get out.

I, thankfully, got out and found that I was worthy of kind, good, loving men. My husband is strong, and can fight a good fight with the best of them, but he would NEVER abuse me in any way. I am so grateful to know that he is my protector, and that I am safe with him emotionally and physically. I hope that we can all find that.

Nobody deserves to be battered.

This is the only photo we took of us on our engagement anniversary date. We're lame photographers.

Well, I've been inactive on this blog for most of this month. It's been a busy few weeks! We spent the Independence Day holiday weekend with both of our families, and had a blast. That week we hit up the small town parade where my parents live, watched the firework show on the runway of the Cedar City airport, went to Brian Head to an arts festival (and got a really awesome cheap print of a Navajo painter's work), made a couple special trips to Brad's to get taquitos with cheese (if you've never had taquitos in Southern Utah, you are missing out!), rode the ski lifts up to the top of the mountains to cool off from the 100 degree weather, spent a day at a cabin, and finished the weekend with Sunday dinner at my parents' house. All in all a great Independence week celebration!

I have been so busy with work that I haven't had a chance to post much. I worked days and nights all last week trying to do some international work for our office. It's pretty exciting branching out to places we've never been. I am happy to add work like that to my ever-growing resume even if I pretty much wore myself out getting it all done!

The week before, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary from getting engaged. I am so happy I married this guy. Thanks for proposing on a Friday the 13th! Some would say that means we'll have bad luck, I just say, it's up to us to make our own good luck!

To celebrate this monumental occasion in our lives, we redid our engagement date except one part of it. We hit up Barnes and Noble where we first met on our first date, bought books, and ate at the same restaurant. The only thing we didn't redo was the Thanksgiving Point gardens. It was raining hard, just like it was when we got engaged.

I have some really exciting news I want to share (it's part of the reason I've been avoiding my blog), but you all just have to wait another week until it's a for sure thing and I can talk about it. Until then, enjoy these pictures from our fun Independence holiday week. It was so nice having a 5 day weekend!

Parade Pair

Where we watched the firework show.

On the way down. Brian Head chairlift.

Incredible view of the area. Brian Head chairlift.

Aren't we a pair of cute feet? Brian Head chairlift.

Daisies everywhere at 11,000 feet. Brian Head.

Where the Sidewalk Ends. A walk around my hometown.

My favorite picture - My sis-in-law took it. My mom is an excellent grandma.

Cabin scenery.

Cabin Scenery.

Cabin scenery.

Taken near Meadow, UT. Utah sure is beautiful sometimes.

One more thing... My mom had another clean MRI! I am so grateful for miracles. She has worked very hard through all her treatments and is being rewarded for it. I couldn't be any happier right now about this! I swear this is a great month we're in so far. I'm just full of great news and fun things happening.

Whew! I think I covered everything I wanted to write about!

Well, for those of you looking for an update on my mom, I have excellent news!

SHE IS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!

Huntsman Cancer Center really knows how to take care of people. After 10 days in hospitals (and only 2 at the Huntsman center) she has been released and is slowly getting stronger with the help of home health nurses.

Thank you for all of your prayers, positive thoughts, and help. There are so many people who helped and spent time with my mom while she was there and during all of this crazy cancer stuff. You are angels that live on Earth and you have done so much for my mom and our family. I am so grateful for you.

If you are able, please continue your prayers and positive thoughts! She still has a long road to recovery back to normal but she is out of the woods for now.

I love simple victories in life!!! I am happy.

And exhausted.

This is my recuperate-from-stress weekend. I might work on my chair that I'm fixing up, or I might just lie here like a zombie and watch tv until my body decides it has recovered. The possibilities are endless!

Oh and today I bought this cute little succulent garden in a pot! It looks good with my paintings doesn't it? (Don't mind the long overdue need to dust. Dusting is not my hobby.)

Sometimes I wonder if people feel things the same way I do. Sometimes I wonder if all we really need is just to walk around and hug people, or put our hands on their shoulder and say, "Hey, whatever it is, you're not alone." I wish someone would do that to me. Or even better, I wish everyone I know would line up and just give me hugs one by one for the next 24 hours.

It is so hard to watch the people I love go through hard things. I can't imagine even trying to help others that I don't even know.

Watching my mom go through what she has been given to endure, is just heart wrenching. She is as strong as God makes a person. But hearing her admit that this is something she wasn't prepared for and that it's probably the sickest she's ever been breaks my heart. Then there's everyone in our family. All of us carry our own heavy weight as well because our mother/wife/grandma/aunt/sister/daughter/niece/cousin is in pain.

You know, sometimes I feel guilty about going through my everyday as if it's just a normal day, and as if my mom is just fine and that she doesn't have cancer and isn't miserable. I know that is the only way we can really continue on when hardships come, and that is one lesson my mom has taught me with her ever steadfast example. She never blinks when adversity stares her in the face. The tears may come, and she may fall to her knees, but she never blinks. She is a fierce contender for the adversary. I know he knows it.

That is why I have the world's best mom, you guys. 

I'm just sitting here feeling heavy hearted tonight as she battles feeling the most sick she ever has. Right now I wish I had a month off of work to go stay with her and help her get back to healthy. She is done with her treatments for a while, but the effects take a while to subside, and they are really in full force right now.

My cousin did a beautiful thing this week, she cut off all her hair in support of my mom's hair loss from radiation. I am so grateful for beautiful people in this world. I am surrounded by the loveliest of people, that all have big hearts, and selfless attitudes.

It's weird, I'll be just fine for days and weeks, and then I'll have a day where I have to go sit in the bathroom stall at work, and do some anxiety breathing to avoid a cry-fest. I did that today. Sometimes I just want to stand up and scream, "THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!" and get up and leave work and just take a vacation until everything gets better. But the truth is, this is life. Sometimes you're covered in mud and you just have to keep going even with the mud all over you. But, I remember being a kid and playing in mud was fun.

Adult mud sucks.

So, thanks for reading my depressing post. If you see me, give me a big hug, ok? I'll be ok. I think I just need to go to sleep.

Right before brain surgery

So... my mom only has 2 more weeks of her awful radiation and chemotherapy sessions, and then she gets a much needed break. She'll get to go home and be with our family that are still living there, and be where she belongs and get to rest! It's been hard watching her do the hard thing, and go through treatment. It has been a battle for her for sure, and there are times where I know she feels like quitting because it is a huge burden to bear. Chemotherapy and radiation are killing treatments. They are not designed to make you feel better while doing them. They are designed to kill cancer. My mom is an inspiration, even if she's not trying to be one. She is tough, and driven, and amazing. She is one of a kind, and I thank God everyday for watching over her always.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and help. Thank you for driving her to and from her home each Friday so she can spend 48 hours where she lives before she starts treatment again on Mondays. Thank you for making dinners for my stepdad, and brothers and sister. Thank you for your words of encouragement and your hugs! Thank you for loving my mom, and our family.

These past 2 months I've spent a lot of time in prayer, or contemplation. Justin has helped me through sad days, and I'm so grateful for him. I am so thankful that our Savior, Jesus, atoned for the heartaches of this world, so that I could know I'm never alone in challenges, and that all of those around me are never alone in theirs. It boggles my mind to understand the concept of the atonement, but the more life I live, and the more pain people I love go through, I am ever grateful that someone was willing to say, "Here am I, send me. I will suffer for them."

Cancer is a stupid worthless thing, but it has reminded me of what's truly important, and that is family and loved ones.  I am so grateful to know that while everything else in this life disappears or ends, we never can lose who we are, or who we love. It's such a beautiful design. I'm reminded of the scripture in the New Testament of the Bible, in Matthew 6:19-20,

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal, For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

I found a song on my playlist of "unlistened to songs" that I go through from time to time. It is by Greg Laswell, the lyrics are sad, but the song is beautiful and has stirred up emotions in me, related to my mom's cancer, the few times I listened to it over the past little while. The first time I heard it was while driving to the hospital to visit her the day before her brain tumor surgery. Needless to say, I ended up in full blown tears. Also, this video I found for it on Youtube is beautiful. Whoever did the animation is a genius.



Let me know what you think of the song, my writing, or anything in general. :)

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just wrote up a super long post that would've been lovely to read had blogger not messed up and erased it. So... this is the shortened version.

We were gone for Thanksgiving, and had a blast visiting family and enjoying the awesome food. (It's my favorite food holiday, next to Christmas!) Shortly after we got home from our trip, I got taken down by the worst germ I've ever had and today is one of the first days in a week that I actually feel decent!

Yeah, it went something like this. Only I wasn't looking for a drink in there.

This germ is a stomach flu, but it really takes all you've got. In a matter of 4 hours of getting sick, Justin had to run me to the hospital for some IV's. I was starting to pass out from dehydration, and it was NOT pretty. The next day I developed a really high fever, and still couldn't eat. It took a few days to be able to eat solid food, but I'm doing much better now! Just as I started to get better and Justin and I thought he'd been lucky enough not to get it, he got stuck in the throes of the miserable hell that is this germ. We almost had to run him to the hospital too but were able to get him to feel well enough to ride it out.

I'm a few days ahead of Justin but we're both on the mend. This germ really takes it out of you. Even though I'm eating now, I am still unnecessarily tired. Yesterday I slept until noon. I haven't done that since I was probably in my early 20's, so I know my body is recuperating from the madness. I imagine in a few more days I'll be back to normal, and then a few days after that Justin will too. Poor guy, he spends the week taking care of me, and all he has to show for it now is being taken out by the germ too.

The hospital told us it's going around like wildfire so if you end up getting stomach cramps, you may be wishing you were dead a few hours later! Just remember to wash your hands ALL the time. You really don't want to try to tough this one out. It will be better if you just don't get it at all!

I'll try to come up with some interesting stories over the next little bit and get back to regular blogging soon!

I'm so excited for the holiday season, and hope you're having a blast, and I hope you don't catch the nasty bug yourselves!