Sunday March 16th - A perfect day. Here's why.

Started the day with a homemade breakfast by my mother-in-law. Went on a two-mile walk with Justin and two of his siblings through the hills behind his parents' house. Went to the park with my brothers, their kids, and my parents. Got my mom out in the sunshine, got her to exercise a little bit, and had a blast with my family. We all needed the fresh air. Spring always makes me feel alive again. This day is one that will stay in my memory forever. I love this woman with all of my heart. She is a champion.

Hi Friends and Family.

I have not been writing on my blog for over a week, because my heart has been heavy. Some have heard the news from our family, some have not. I feel it appropriate to share now what most of us have already heard.

On Thursday March 6, my parents went in for my mom's regular MRI. She'd been undergoing other treatments that had given her more time than we thought we'd have since last fall we were told she had roughly six months left. In November she had a 2nd brain surgery, which is what gave us six months more with her. Estimates of time are often just estimates, and people can die sooner, or live MUCH longer than doctors presume they will. It is often that we hear of someone beating the odds they were given. Sometimes it's will power, sometimes it's medicine working better than hoped, other times it's attitude. All of the time it's a miracle. So, here we are 5 months later. My mom is still here and we are loving every minute that we have with her.

March 6th rolls around, and she visits her doctor again. This time the brain scan showed an advancing tumor. My parents and doctors together decided that she would spend her last weeks, to possibly months, at home. The treatments are not working, and whatever they could do wouldn't really prolong things for her anymore. I kind of always knew this day would come. I made the awful mistake of googling her cancer when I was told the name of it a year ago. That was not a fun experience. I was at work, and had to rush to the bathroom after reading the statistics because I thought I would vomit.

I say this more easily now because I've had time to breathe, time to let it sink in. I'm not sure it ever really will, though. How do we ever let this sink in when we love someone so much? I don't think you can ever just say, "Thy will be done, Lord", and just go on your merry way without a care. I can accept God's will, but I don't love it. His will isn't always easy, in fact it's often extremely difficult. If it were easy, there would be no faith involved.

I spent the weekend, after my stepdad told us the news that she would return home to hospice care, in a fog. I somehow was blessed with an afternoon of peace, enough so to buy a new car because our car was falling apart, and we desperately needed to get this done. I know there were angels with me that day because I was supposed to be falling apart with sadness, yet I was excited and optimistic about purchasing a new car (which I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DRIVING). If there is an angel of anti-anxiety, a prozac angel, that is the one that was with me that day. Somehow I held it together through Friday at work, Saturday at the dealership, and Saturday night watching a movie with Justin.

I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning when Justin woke up to pee, and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I could not get comfortable and felt extremely off.  I had yet to cry, and I really didn't want to. I was afraid that if I let the flood gates open, all hell would come out with it. Like a Pandora's box of emotions. Justin came back to bed, and I told him I felt awful and couldn't sleep and explained the tightness in my chest, and the pit in my stomach. He told me I needed to cry, and that I'd been holding it in, but I needed to get it out. I told him I didn't want to. I really meant it. I wanted to be tougher than this, I wanted to not let it hurt me. But it was hurting me in a new way I'd never experienced before. My chest really felt constricted and it felt like my soul hurt. I don't know how to explain it other than that. My heart was breaking, in a way I'd never experienced. The worst way.

And then I took his advice. I just let it all out. We were there at 5 am in the dark on Sunday morning and I was just bawling. Tears were running down my cheeks into my hair and ears, soaking my pillow and the sheets below. I was angry at God for letting the treatments not work, I was worried for my family because all of our hearts were breaking and I didn't want us all to hurt, and I was scared of the future. A future without my mother. I was overwhelmed by all of it, and I just wanted to rewind to a better time in life, when my mom was healthy, and everything was ok.

Justin was amazing through it all. Encouraging me to cry to get rid of the chest pains, was genius. Then suddenly, he did what he always does when things are impossibly hard. He lets me cry it out, reassures me that I will be ok, and that I'm strong...and then he cracks me up. He started reciting poems off the top of his head that were similar to Shel Silverstein, and they were so good that he wrote some down and we've been trying to write more since then.

He is my saving grace. For whatever reason, he just knows what to do with me when I'm struggling, and not sure what to do for myself. I don't know what I ever did without him.

For whatever reason, my mother has to leave us before we ever wanted her to. I'm so grateful that we get notice, that she isn't just here one day and gone the next. I've had time to say everything I want to say, and just be with her during her hardest days. I got to braid her hair after brain surgery to keep it away from the stapled incision. I got to lay with her in the dark as she pondered aloud what this cancer would bring to our family. I've become closer to my siblings than I might have otherwise. I've gained knowledge of hardship, and what it does to your heart, to your outlook on life, love, God, faith, the world, and trials. I've seen more people be touched by my mother, than I ever thought she could reach, and I thought she had reached A LOT already. I've had my view on faith permanently altered, and formed a closer bond with God, but I'm still mad at Him.

I've seen people I hardly know reach out to me with the most appropriate words that I needed to hear on some of my hardest days. I've seen miracles, and prayers answered in the way I didn't want.

The most important thing I've seen though, is my mother, through it all, never relent in her love for her family, and God. She is perfect in every way, and I am eternally grateful that I am her daughter. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world because of that fact.

Even though our hearts are breaking, we are all so lucky to have her now. I guess now, we just love her with all we've got and see what the future holds.

So you heard about our transmission failing in my Mazda right? It was the weirdest thing. Car was running perfect, and then suddenly 3rd gear was destroyed and transmission failure was all we could see.

A friend of ours referred us to a place where they "take all" their cars. The guy told he'd give us a great deal, and said he knew exactly how to fix our Mazda. That was on Monday 2/17/14. What day is it today? Oh yeah, it's March 1st. Do we have our car back?

NO.

Also, we were supposed to have it last weekend. But on Tuesday of this week they told us they had just barely started it. Wait... you  mean to tell us you've had it for a WEEK without working on it?!

Well how the hell do you stay in business, sir?

Oh, and also, now it won't run. Before, it would drive if you stayed in 1st or 2nd gear. Oh, and also... we have to call them for updates every few days because they just don't tell us anything, like the fact that for a week we assumed it was being fixed and they hadn't even touched it. They called Justin at 4pm yesterday and said, "Hey it's ready!" So he turned in our rental car and went to pick up the Mazda... FINALLY.

Well it wasn't working. And they just called us today to say they can't fix it.

If anyone ever refers you to this company because they know them, and they'll take really good care of you, and give you a great deal, PUNCH THAT PERSON IN THE FACE. The reason I say this is, they just basically signed you up  for the worst service worst communication skills, and stupidest people on the planet. Better yet, PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AND TELL THEM YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LITTLE THEY CARE ABOUT YOU, AND NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN.  I had my doubts, but the guy said he could fix our transmission and knew exactly how to do it, as if he was a pro with Mazdas. I swear, the few times I ignore my gut, I regret it EVERY TIME.

I guess I should've known. They're name is Rollin' Big Auto. Stupid jackass company name, it reflects exactly how professional they are. I just want to punch myself in the face for thinking a company with that name would be professional and do a great job. It's like buying a top of the line mattress from MATTREZZ OUTLET or FurnishIt. Just don't do it. Incidentally, these do exist. I got a mattress at FurnishIt and it was cheeeeappppp. It makes sense, the last half of the word stands for OUR STUFF IS CRAP.

http://www.rollinbigauto.com/

Above all what makes me smile the most right now is how Justin makes my mom giggle and laugh. She is in a lot of pain. She is miserable. And then he'll crack her up and the laughter heals her brain for a little bit.

We were visiting her at my grandparents' house last Thursday after one of her treatments. When she is tired, she has a really hard time with word recall and loses her train of thought very quickly. She will mix up names, and terms like "we", "you", etc. She was struggling at trying to tell me something and got pretty frustrated. It always breaks my heart. I wish I could fix it. I hate seeing her in any pain whatsoever.

Justin made her laugh about something dumb we were joking about. Then I started venting about how we were sick of cars since our transmission failed and is STILL NOT FIXED. I mentioned we'd get one of those carts that are pulled by a human, and we'll take turns pulling each other to work. When I said, "What are those called again?", she immediately said, "a rickshaw." As if she had never been struggling with her thoughts at all.

Miracles, people. Rickhaw is a really hard word. Most people don't even know it. But then, she is incredible with words, and the tumor and scar tissue can't even keep her down. I get stuck on a hard word, and my genius of a mom, a regular thesaurus, chimes in.

Laughter really is healing. I'm so grateful that she and Justin like each other so much. He really is great at making her laugh. We spent the weekend with her getting her to laugh and smile. I couldn't imagine a more perfect weekend right now. It is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.

Oh and during that we watched my friend's brother get a bronze medal in the olympic bob-sledding!

Miracles, people. Miracles!

I love my mom. I am incredibly lucky that I still get to spend time with her, and have her be able to talk to me, and still get to see her face. Brain cancer may be a jerk and may be beating the crap out of her, but my mom is a fighter.

I hope you all had a blast on Valentine's day last weekend. It was nice that it ended up being on a Friday. MUCH easier for romancing the night away!

Justin and I aren't huge celebrators of Valentine's day, so we just got each other some simple gifts, and had planned to do something silly that night, like go to the family trampoline gym. He had to go out of town for some stuff the night before and had to take our only car. He was on his way back on Valentine's day when our car just stopped shifting gears, and wouldn't go above 2nd gear. This is kind of a huge problem when you live in a driving state. He called a local tow company, and they wouldn't be able to get our car home until Saturday due to the busy Valentine's holiday. They did have a loaner car he could use, so he said he'd borrow that so he could get the rest of the way home.

The car was incredible... or not. When he finally was on the road again, he called me to tell me he was more scared to drive that car than our car with engine trouble. One of the headlights was out, the car rattled like crazy and creaked like the axles would fall off at highway speeds. It was windy and he said it felt like the car couldn't fight back against the wind. It also was filthy everywhere you looked. Not just a little dirty, but like YEARS of grime and filth that came off on his clothes. But hey, when you're in a bind you will drive whatever you can!

So we 're in the process of trying to find out what is wrong with our car. We couldn't get it into a mechanic over the weekend because the towing company delivered it 8 hours later than promised. I seriously want to dispute the charge from our payment, but I'm still debating it. Just NEVER use A-1 Towing in central Utah. They are terrible at managing their customers. We had to call them like 5 or 6 times just to get them to communicate with us about where our car was and when it would be delivered Then they kept calling to ask if they could deliver it to a random place that wasn't anywhere near our home.

We secretly hoped they'd just ruin my car so we could get a new one for practically free! But alas, they delivered it in one piece. HA!

Right now we're renting a Jeep Compass (free upgrade when the rental place was out of compacts...SCORE!) to get around and it is super nice. I'm actually tempted to buy one of these soon and get rid of my car that I've had for 5 years.

Anyhow, this little beater loaner car was so funny. It has well over 200,000 miles on it and is super beat up. It made me feel like we were on a date in sophomore year of highschool. We did a late night run to Mickey D's and giggled the whole time about how fun it was when we were both 15 to even have a friend with a car, it didn't even matter if it was a disgusting, dangerous beast of a car.

I love our stressful, silly adventures. Let's hope the expenses to fix our car are not terrible.

I'm kind of kicking myself right now for not trading in my car 2 months ago when Justin and I were thinking of buying a new one. Where's Alanis Morrisette when I need her? This story should be in one of her songs. "It's a dropped transmission, when you could've had a new car, and isn't it ironic, don't ya think?"

We call her Blue Thunder. Ain't she a beauty? (His face speaks volumes about how he feels.)

You know what sucks? When you say the words "I NEVER". Somehow the universe hears you, and it immediately stops what it is doing, to commit all its efforts into proving you wrong. I think the universe gets off on making us eat those two words for breakfast like they are a big bowl of Alphabits. (Those use to be my favorite cereal growing up... you can spell swear words and giggle and your mom will not know!)

One time I said, "I've never crashed a car." The next day I nearly totaled my car. Apparently old steel-frame Chevy trucks are just like brick walls when a tiny Toyota Corolla hits them.

Steel-frame Chevy & Universe = 1, Lana = Sorry I ever said anything.

So, why didn't I learn from this stupid lesson? The word never should disappear from my vocabulary, but it hasn't.

Justin does his own laundry, which I love, but sometimes we fight over who gets to use the washing machine. I needed to do laundry and so did he, so I told him we could just do our laundry together. I gave him this whole speech about how I NEVER ruin clothes. EVER. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. So if he would just stop being OCD about his clothes, I would wash them and he'd see that I am still the coolest wife in the world, and both our clothes would be clean at the same time.

So what happened? The UNIVERSE.

DAMN UNIVERSE.

I shrunk not one of his shirts, but ALL of his shirts. How many, you ask? ALL OF THEM. I also shrunk all my pajama pants, and half of my tshirts. And let me tell you, those tshirts are my prized posessions. The items of clothing that never feel awkward on me, and just feel right every time I wear them. You know, the cute little loose fitting, one chest pocket, come in every color of the rainbow, so I bought all of them at one time and never regretted it. The kind that go with everything.

Hmph.

I'm going to go ahead insert my face into my palm right now.

Justin is loving this sweet little turn of events. We got to go to Target and buy him a whole new wardrobe. I'm still afraid to try on my shirts. I don't want to be even more disappointed. I HATE RUINING CLOTHES. I'm still sulking a little bit over it. I keep praying that they won't be ruined and that when I finally try one on it will be just like old times. (They're discontinued where I bought them, so it's even better.)

Who is the best wife ever? Me, if giving you ammo to tease me for the rest of our lives counts as best wife ever. He told me I could shrink all his pants, too, so we can buy him a bunch of new jeans.

Well Universe... you win.

Universe = 2, Lana = ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

At least he got a great outfit out of it (he looks so dreamy and stylin'!), and I got a shirt that will make you all sing a song you're sick of singing. You're welcome!

I look at you right now from the beginning, wondering what you'll become. You have all the potential in the world to be wonderful, even with the hardships that are possible, and that I know are coming. I know that I can't plan for anything to happen the way that I exactly want. I can't expect certain things to happen, all I can do is try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that I roll with whatever you bring me, and make my life the best that I can!

Here's what I'm hoping to find from this year:

A new opportunity
A finished goal
A new positive habit
A successful break
An answered prayer

And probably a few other things, like... for my cats to become besties.

I'm being cryptic. I know. Time will reveal all of this to you guys. I promise.

Just say lots of prayers for me this year. I AM GOING TO NEED THEM. We all do, and I'm sure you've got a lot of people on your prayer list already, but please remember me, too, if you can. I need more strength in my legs, more breath in my lungs, and more spring in my step to make it through this year to come!

Oh, 2014... is it possible to skip you?

Justin and I watched the movie About Time last weekend. I absolutely loved it, and wish I had the ability to time travel like he did. I just want to go back to this day... just for the whole year. Has time travel been invented for everyone yet?

Taken in the Gulf of Mexico by my future husband Justin.

It's not every day that someone we know passes away. Usually death pulls one of two reactions from me. The first being a peaceful feeling, knowing it was their time to go, and that wherever they are, they are smiling down on us and watching over us. The second, feeling sad that it was too soon for them and there are a lot of people wishing they were still here.

This week there was another reaction from me regarding the death of someone I hardly knew. It shook me to the core and made me feel nauseated. I've heard of suicides before in my life, I'm not sure why this particular suicide shook me the way it did. Maybe it's because we were friends on Facebook, and their life appeared so wonderful -- or at least that's how they published it online. Maybe it's because I know there are people here on Earth that at this very moment are desperate for answers of why and how and what and where they could've done more or could've helped. There is a family picking up the pieces of their broken hearts... or not even starting to yet.

Suicide rocks everyone involved. There is always someone that has to find the person and tell others what happened. There are the family members that have to learn to live without them. There are the children or friends that have to try to understand why, even though they'll never know. It is never a peaceful death experience. We don't sit here on this side of the veil between heaven and earth and say, "It was their time." Because if it were, it wouldn't have been a suicide.

I can't think of a worse feeling to have in this life, than to feel your only option is to die to save yourself. I have been in the pits of despair with depression before, but maybe I wasn't actually THAT far down? I never thought "I need to end it all." I did look in the mirror one day and say to myself, "Wow, if I don't get help now I might die from this eventually."

I guess what I'm saying is... please get help. Go for a walk, count to 10. Call a friend. Call 50 friends, knock on people's doors, grab the phone book and call everyone listed until someone talks to you... but don't give up. Don't ever, ever, ever give up. I promise that as bleak as this world is, there are people that care about you. All is not lost, even if it feels awful for a very long time. It really bothers me that this world is so technologically saturated that we can appear to have the most perfect life on Facebook, and be slowly dying inside and no one knows.

I can't say that I agree with this person's choice. But I also can't say that I know what it was like to be them. I'm not sure they ever thought this many people would be rocked by their choice. People that hardly knew them. I hope wherever they are, that they're able to find the peace they were seeking. Lord knows the people they left behind will be seeking it for a long time to come.

Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. A tradition started by my mom when I was a kid.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm happy to see this year end, and welcome 2014! Not because I anticipate this year to go any easier than last year, because let's face it, there are things looming on the horizon that I'm not ready to deal with yet. They won't be here for a while, but they will be here in 2014. All I know is, I'm ready for 2014 to begin. I feel this is a year that will cause great change to come into my life.

This is possibly the year that was coming down the road, that I needed to be prepared for when I fell apart in 2009. I needed to fall apart, to be able to put myself back together properly so that I would be able to face the hardships that were coming. I had put myself together all wrong in the past. I was holding on by a thread at all times, I was a human in survival mode, and am now in battle mode. You can't fight battles if you're barely surviving. 2009 and 2010 brought a LOT of change. 2011 was a small test to see if that change had become fast within me. 2012 was a season of simple faith and gave me strength to be able to manage 2013.

So what has 2013 been?

It was full of a unification of my family that had never before happened. See my holiday posts here and here. But it was also full of trials. BIG ONES.

To explain, I'll liken it to a religious parable -- the parable of the bush that gets pruned. The bush cries in pain as its branches are cut and it asks the gardener, "Why would you hurt me so? I was doing what I am supposed to do. I was growing and spreading my branches and leaves." But the gardener keeps on cutting, until the bush feels it has nothing left of what it was, only to find that the following growing season it turns into a more beautiful version of itself that it never knew was possible.

2013 was the year of the gardener pruning my branches.

Here are the strongest feelings I've had this year in no particular order:
being lost, fear, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, contempt, disengagement, insecurity, lack of value, lack of control, education, faith, hope, love.

I've been angry at God more times than I can count this year. I know that it's ok for me to be that way. God wants us to take our feelings to him because he's our parent and is there for us at all times. At least that's what I believe my God is. If I can't talk to Him about everything, and anything, including my anger for what he's allowed to happen this year, then I can't rely on him at all. 

There was the time that I sat in my car and yelled at Him for His plan, because the plan hurt me in a way I didn't ever see coming, and I did NOT like it. There was the time I told Him I wasn't going to talk to Him for a while because I was too upset to put my feelings into words. You see, I have a relationship with God as if he is a tangible being. I rarely talk about this in my church or with people, because I feel that most lack understanding of my relationship with God, and my relationship with Him is my business, and mine alone. We all need to find our relationship with God, I am thankful to have the one I do.

I welcome the year 2014, not with a hope for it to be smooth sailing (because what I have on my list of events in 2014 is anything but that), but with hope that because I have had my branches so pruned this year, and had my understanding of faith so deeply altered for the better, I know I can handle it even if I come out with scars I wasn't expecting. Because 2014 is going to be a battle, there will be battle scars.

Although, inside my heart, I keep a prayer that this next year will surprise me and be smooth sailing. I will have to wait and see, though. Time has a way of revealing all things to us.

So, with all this being said, may we all be able to look forward to 2014 with excitement, with hope and... let's do this!

Happy New Year everyone!

Having a parent with cancer has really changed me. How can you not be a part of something like that without change? Seeing my mom suffer and go through the hardships of brain cancer has really made human suffering more obvious to me. I used to be aware of it, and had heard stories of woe that I couldn't relate to completely, but that still touched my heart. But this year has really changed me.

I used to see women with shaved heads and think, "I wonder why she chopped her hair off?". It also was rare that I noticed anything was wrong with people. Now I see women in wigs or with shaved heads, and think to myself, "I wonder what her story is, I hope she has support and love everyday with her trials." It's not just the shaved head though, I can see it in their eyes. I know what cancer looks like in someone's face. I've never seen pain like that in her eyes, until this year. And it looks similar in everyone's face. Cancer treatments cause similar side effects, and discolor your skin, and break your body down.

All of the sudden I'm completely aware of everyone's hardships and suffering. I hear of a new cancer story every day, or another awful disease that shouldn't have to be part of a family's life. A local bishop's wife is in a wheel chair because she was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease that will take her life much sooner than she or he ever thought. They have young children, and he is now her caretaker as well.

I hear about kids with cancer, families losing multiple people at a time, couples being both diagnosed with cancer together, and facing it together. I hear about husbands losing wives to cancer 2 years after their marriage, with a 1 year old baby to raise alone.

I am ever aware now of people's suffering, and while I don't like knowing how much hardship is in the world, I am grateful to be more aware. It has helped me to treat people as if they are carrying a heavy burden, and forgive them easier because of that.

Why does it seem that this year is the year of trials? I don't know a single person without something hard going on in their life. And it's not just hard, it's REALLY hard. I hope that 2014 will be easier for all of us who carry heavy burdens. I pray for everyone every night. I know what feeling desperate for miracles feels like, and I hope that your miracles come. If they don't, I hope that you find solace in the people you have around you, and that you can pray to God to have your burdens lifted or lightened somehow.

So...that's the thing with hardships and trials, you always come out a different person, and it generally is for the better. No matter what though, your world view will be forever changed. Thankfully this year has ultimately given me the gift of love.

Yes, I am angry at the situation that I cannot change. But I ultimately have more love for my fellow man, and more appreciation for other people and their amazing feats of emotional strength and endurance.

May this holiday season be filled with peace, comfort, and leave you surrounded by those you love. That's all I can want for anyone, really.

Found on Pinterest

If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety they understand that while it can be explained, it often doesn't make sense. It can run rampant if you're not careful, or it can be totally kept at bay. Sometimes this is determined by how much sleep you get, or how much emotional stress you're under, or your level of exercise... Or sometimes it just happens. What I do know is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people's anxiety manifests as panic attacks, others as nausea, and even others as hives or other symptoms. It's funny that us anxiety sufferers are more common than people think, yet we never talk about it for fear of being looked at as "unfit" people.

Anxiety is one of the biggest mental disorders in the country, yet I feel like calling it a disorder gives it a stigma that doesn't need to be there. Even people who don't suffer from chronic anxiety still get anxious. It's a human condition. Our body naturally responds to fear, and anxiety is your body's response to some sort of fear, even if it's not necessary to be afraid at the time. If so many people have it, why is it then a disorder?

It could be called a disorder because it involves negative consequences.  Some people are so anxious about some things they become phobic, and a phobia can cause severe problems if not watched and worked on. Thankfully, my anxiety just manifests in times of turmoil in my life. I went from age 12 to age 25 before I actually worked on it and figured out how to control it and beat it. My anxiety manifests as nausea and is controlled by regular exercise, healthy sleep, and eating. Occasionally, too, I take an herbal supplement from Good Earth stores. If I'm extremely stressed I can get a mild-moderate anxious feeling for days or weeks on end, and my appetite totally disappears. During this time I also get excessively irritable and tired. If I get overwhelmed enough, I actually get physically sick, and have to put a stop to it before it gets really bad.

So, while I'm dealing with hardships, I often deal with more than I really need to. Not only do I have to cope with whatever hardship is there, I have to figure out how to keep my health intact, and this is not an easy feat when you naturally create anxious feelings inside of yourself. This past year has not been a good one. I was taking a birth control pill that ramped up my anxiety pretty badly, and I was pretty sick for most of the winter/spring. Not to mention what finding out my mom has cancer, and watching her suffer has done, and a busier year at work than I've ever had before.

I've realized that I've been excessively tired and really grouchy for the past month now, and am sad to admit, that I'm suffering anxiety symptoms again. I think all we can do in times of hardship is remember it's ok to have a hard time. It's ok to be sad and to struggle, if we didn't, it wouldn't be a hardship, and there would be no life lesson's learned.  The more patience we have with ourselves in times of struggle, the quicker we get through them. I've learned that the more I become upset with myself for not handling things as perfectly as others seem to, or for not being as strong as I thought I should have been, it becomes harder to handle things in general. If I take a deep breath, relax and say, "It's ok to be stressed and struggling when you have a full load to carry", I become peaceful and more able to handle the hardships and blows as they come.

So embrace the anxiety within you, and say, "I'm capable, and able to get through this. It's ok that right now I don't feel awesome." At age 26, I learned that something as simple as that can change your life permanently and give you strength you didn't have before.

And at age 29, I'm realizing that was the best thing I ever did for my life.

I think one of my favorite things about growing up is being able to learn all the various forms of love.

When you're a child, love is so easy. Children naturally love, and it's in love's simplest form. I love you because you shared with me. I love you because I don't understand hate yet.

There are so many other versions of love to be had, though.

The friendship love
The romantic love
The superficial love
The "I don't wanna be lonely" love
The obsessive love

But the one thing I am most excited about learning as I grow in life, is that true love really does exist. I think I'm in the beginning stages of it, since I've only been married for just over a year. However, I know I am already experiencing evidence that it exists in my short time being married.

It's in the little things:
Slow dancing in the kitchen to my favorite Christmas song while our cheap, delicious, breaded, fish filets bake in the oven.
The way I always get to have a a few sips of his Coke whenever he gets one because he knows I will never drink a whole one by myself.
The fact that instead of being angry with me when I get snappy, he says, "you need a nap."
Laughing on the floor of our bedroom/office while we try to see who has the strongest abs by throwing random core workouts at each other. (He won.)
He told our pets that I feed him really well, and that at least I'm remembering to feed one of the creatures living in our house.

I don't know, guys, I think the more I go through life with Justin, the more I become infatuated with him. I think about what this year has been full of, and I see most of it as a positive thing because I had him by my side every step of the way. He has helped cheer me up on my hardest days, (see the FART STORY) and been more patient than anyone I have ever met.

So, this holiday season all I need is the people I love, for my mom to catch a break, and world peace.





...And apparently the 14 blu-rays we splurged on during Cyber Monday on Amazon that are going to be gift-wrapped under our tree. (Don't judge me, I love theatrics.)

You know how we all love vacations from work right? Well... does anyone else have to work all those vacation hours you are planning on taking before you even go on a vacation?

Sometimes I feel like my job is so busy that if I want any days off, I have to work all those hours prior to taking them off. For example, I get two days off this week for the Thanksgiving holiday.

YES!!!!!

BUT... Saturday I worked a full day at my house. Sunday too. So technically, I should be getting 2 extra paid days this week instead of just the two I'm not working because of the holiday.

Does anyone want to let my boss know? HAHA...NOT (yeah I just said NOT). I love my job, but sometimes I just need to not have to burn myself out just so I can take a day off. But hey, all complaining aside, it's job security and I really love that about it. Plus, they do take care of us in other ways, so I can't complain too much, right?

It could be worse. I could be a manure scooper at a ranch. Or I could be a drive-thru clerk at Weinerschnitzel (does anyone actually eat there?). So I will just take this Thanksgiving week to say this:

I am extremely grateful that I have a job that keeps me busy and helps me pay my bills. It adds to my ever-expanding resume constantly, and that is something that doesn't happen too often in today's job market. So, I actually do have a great job and I'm VERY grateful they've loved me for the past 4.5 years.

I'm just tired...REALLY TIRED... and ready to see my whole family, stuff my mouth with turkey, gravy, pie and potatoes and not have a single care in the world except, "PIE...MMMM...GOOD."

*SIGH*

2 more days.

In other news... when I took a few hours break from working on Saturday, I met up with a friend I haven't seen in almost 7 or 8 years. She just moved to the area and I am excited she's here!
I just love reunions with great people.

I stole this photo from her Instagram. Aren't we a lovely pair?

There seems to be an unspoken rule among women that you're not supposed to know you have a great body, or that you're skinny, or that you think you're pretty. It's like we're all supposed to join together and hate our bodies, but if someone compliments us on how we look thinner, we're supposed to feel AMAZING! It's weird. What if I know I'm skinny already?

I've been a twig my whole life. My mom has been a twig her whole life. My grandma has too. I come from a long line of twigs. Still don't believe me? Go look at my little brothers. One is 6'7" and is lean and hipster looking. (He has luscious shoulder length hair that accentuates his cheek bones. The girls at his high school must be piles of goo when he walks by.)

Here are a few of my favorite (read: annoying) things that have happened in relation to my weight:

I was emailed once through Facebook by a girl in my church. She had been suffering from bulimia, and was positive I was anorexic because I'm very thin. She told me if I ever wanted to talk to her about my eating disorder, she would be all ears because she understood. HAHAHA... thanks for the help, girlfriend.

A boy entering my apartment with his friends sees me walk into the room, "Whoa, do you eat... ever?"
No, I'm the only person alive who doesn't need food to survive. I'm a magical unicorn of sorts. Here, take a picture with me so you can tell all your friends!

A former boss said to me one day while in his office, "Hey, you look like a concentration camp victim." And then laughed. That one actually got to me. I went to lunch, called my mom and bawled. That is not a compliment sir, you said I look like a walking corpse. SO not a compliment.

The list of these goes on and on. I thought being skinny is what every girl wants? Why is it so weird to people then when they see someone thin?

The truth is, there's a lot of things that keep me skinny. When I'm emotionally stressed, I'm not hungry. So if I ever go through something hard, I drop 10-15 pounds over about 6 months. It usually takes me the following year or two to put those damn pounds back on, so I'm never happy about the weight I lost. The other truth is, my genetics are small-boned, tall, lean frames. Even when I do gain weight, I'm still a size 3.

I think it would be so much better if people really could accept everyone regardless of size. Larger people want to be accepted for their weight and shape. Why can't people accept tiny, skinny people?

Here's what's happening in my head now... I no longer care if I look skinny. There are outfits that I used to avoid because they elongated my figure or made me look flatter chested. There are hairstyles I avoided because they made my cheekbones more pronounced and you could see my long thin neck. I just don't care anymore. I am a twig-like female. I'm actually really grateful for this twiggy frame I've been given. It's come in handy if I ever needed to squeeze through a fence! It's also come in handy because it's healthy. I am a healthy, happy, human being, and I love myself more and more the older I get. I even embraced my natural dirty blond hair color this year. THAT is confidence, kids.

I'm not posting this to brag, or to say my life has been hard as a thin person. I'm just posting it because I don't care anymore what anyone thinks.

Hi, My name is Lana and I'm naturally skinny. I can eat carbs all day and not get fat.

And I like it.

But that's not all that defines me... in fact I prefer not to define myself by my size. I prefer to define myself by my talents and what I have to offer the world.

It's not often that I find someone that can really relate to what I'm dealing with this year because no one I know seems to know what it feels like to have a parent with cancer (except my siblings)... that talks to me about it anyway. It's hard for me to talk to a lot of people that I normally do because what I have to say is too heavy for the day, or for them to handle. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to their life because I am anxious or sad. There are a couple people that I can actually talk to that are able to say the right things and for that I'm so grateful for them. One of them is my sister in-law. She just seems to get it, and really seems to be able to speak to me properly about how this feels. I'm so thankful for the afternoon she spent with me in her backyard talking all about everything with me.  I really needed it. Justin is amazing at talking to me about things, but I sometimes really need a female perspective. She gave me a great one, and I'm so grateful for those few hours we talked. They made me feel not as overwhelmed or as out of touch with people.

Occasionally it will come up in conversation with strangers. Perhaps it is because it's on my mind ALL THE TIME or perhaps it just happens that way. These are simple little things that really make my day. In August, Justin and I were at Home Depot getting some things for our new house, and an old man who worked there asked if we needed help. I noticed his Home Depot vest had a pin on it that said, "CANCER SUCKS". I asked him why he wore it, and he talked to me all about his wife who had just finished her breast cancer treatments. I told him my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, and was going through all her hellish ordeals. He gave me the pin, and told me I should wear it. He said he had a bunch of them at home. I have kept this pinned on my purse ever since. I plan to pass it to someone if they ever need it as well.

My dermatologist is also one of these people for me. I didn't expect it at all. I went in last week for a checkup because I was covered in hives or bug bites from out of nowhere, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have shingles or something contagious before I went to see my mom. I stressed the contagious part with my doctor and she asked me why. When I told her the details, she was very kind about it. Last night she called me to ask me how my bites were, and asked me how my mom was doing, and was very concerned for my family's welfare. Then when I went in today for a followup appointment, her nurse talked to me about my mom again, and ended up having a 20 minute conversation with me about her own mother, and how she passed away 4 years ago because of a rare, fast-growing cancer that just appeared one day. She told me how she felt, and how hard it was for her, and we shared stories of what we've both gone through with our families during all of it. She ended up giving me a huge hug and telling me to hang in there. I couldn't have felt more love from her if she tried any harder.

I'm really grateful for small blessings like this. People who can recognize the need of another that they don't even know, even for just a listening ear, are always an unexpected blessing.

Have any of you ever experienced this from strangers?

Did I ever mention how much I love Fall? I love the warm tones on all the plant life, crunching through piles of leaves on the ground, the cooler crisp air, the clothes, and jackets!!! I just love this time of year. Maybe it's because my favorite holidays happen in the cooler weather that's coming. Maybe it's just that this time of year always fills me with hope, nostalgia, and I crave family time.

I've always been a huge eye-roller toward bandwagons. The flared pants bandwagon that I swore I'd never ever ever do, but about 9 months later I had a pair of flared leg jeans with a stripe down the side (I was 14... it was the style in the late 90's/2000). I refused to ever wear skinny jeans because they were so tight and weird. I have tiny ankles and thought they would make my feet look like skis. Now they are what I wear 99% of the time and have since 2007. Skinny pants are made for stick legs. I happen to be the proud owner of a pair of very stick-like legs! It's been a match made in heaven.

I still can't seem to jump on the Ugg boots wagon though. I tried... but the cheap ones look awful, and the expensive ones are too pricey. So I just wear my moccasins. And I'm happy that way.

Lately it's the YOLO bandwagon that I have had a tendency to be annoyed by. I feel like YOLO or You Only Live Once is a way to get away with whatever you want and never have to apologize for hurting yourself or anyone else. I know... I'm such a boring grown up.

Well, today I want to stop being against this bandwagon. I think there might be something to this, when used in the right way. This past year has taught me a lot about life, and how even the healthiest of people can become extremely ill and be counting down the days to their end. I don't want to miss anymore of what seems exhilarating but never "for  me." I'm such an anxious person, that I've never gone cliff jumping, or gone for that huge job that I probably won't get any way, or moved to the other side of the world without a single plan in the works for when I get there. I'm the type that gets a job in a city and pays a down payment on a rental, with money I have saved for a few months in advance, before moving.

My mom's cancer has made me feel like I need to be more brave, less cautious, and just go for the gold. I still don't think I want to go sky diving with my husband, but there's a little time to work up to that one.

So today I took a baby step. I was at the grocery store picking up some lunch, and there was an awesome chicken salad snack bowl that had slices of cheese on the side. I started drooling like a Pavlovian dog, and I thought to myself, "I have been craving cheese for weeks but really shouldn't eat it since it hurts my stomach and I've been so good. Just walk away from it Lana." Then I turned and walked away from it.

I didn't get very far before the YOLO shoulder angel popped up and said, "Lana YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Eat the effing cheese and smile through the gas and cramps later!" (In case you're wondering, the YOLO fairy doesn't swear unless it's for something bigger than cheese.)

So I thought... YEAH. YOLO. YOLO!!!!! And I went and bought the dang thing, and ate it and LOVED IT. Sure my stomach hurts now and I am sitting here thinking... SCREW YOU CHEDDAR CHEESE, and screw your amazing delectability! But... at least I got to enjoy me some cheddar cheese for the first time since September.

I think tomorrow I might just go to Animal Ark and hold a tarantula. Or maybe I'll tattoo a picture of my family on my arms and then join a fight club.

Or maybe I'll just throw caution to the wind completely and show up to work at noon without calling in first.
YOLO, EMPLOYER. YOLO.

The possibilities really are endless!

What I'm really getting at is, I have nothing to fear but a life unlived. So... what should I do with all this time since I never know how much I have?

I've had a heavy heart for most of this year. I'm very thankful for the moments that I don't feel it. When my beautiful, talented, loved by all, amazing mother gets diagnosed with a stage 4 brain cancer almost out of nowhere, it's really hard to feel anything but blindsided.

I've had any variation of the following phrases said to me over the past 7 months:

"She's the only one strong enough to handle something like that, she'll come out on top."
"She needs to do A and B and she will beat it, chemo and radiation aren't really the only option." (Oh really? Tell me more about how you beat brain cancer by eating citrus...)
"Just have MORE faith and God will heal her."
"I don't know how you guys handle that, I never would be able to." (I used to say this to myself before all this too.)
"I'm really sorry, just keep your chin up, all will be well."
"That is really hard, I'm really sorry."

I think my favorite one is the last one. Because the truth is, this really, really, REALLY sucks. I've never seen my mom in so much pain. I've never seen my stepdad have so much heartache. I've never seen my siblings or myself have to wonder if cancer will win. I've never had to question all of my faith and wonder if the pit in my stomach will ever leave. I've never had to reassure so many people that know my mom that she will be ok, when I have no idea myself. She is loved by so many people in so many places.

The other truths I am learning from this are:

The world doesn't stop turning when someone is given practically a death sentence.
Miracles can and do happen. 
Miracles won't always happen to you when you need them.
People will sometimes forget that you're walking around carrying an invisible bag of bricks and that at anytime you might fall down from the heavy load.
Someone always has it worse than you do. To those people, I say, "I'm very sorry you have to endure what you are."

My friend Katie, the ever amazing therapist-without-a-therapy-degree, was talking to me the other day. I was telling her of some recent declines in my mom's health, and she said simply (but perfectly), "Wow, what are you going to do?"

I thought for a minute and said, "I guess my only option is to continue on with life. Because I could lay down and be depressed and give up and die, but I'm really healthy and that would be a long, tedious, boring process."

That's a truth of it though. I could let hardship take me down and destroy me, or I could live the rest of my life with my incredibly hilarious husband, our ever-cuddly orange tabby, and whoever else blesses our lives with their presence. I will just have to power through the hardships.

The final truth is, the only thing we can do is persevere. Life will break us down to the very lowest it can, but if we remain when we want to give up, we will eventually see we can do the things we thought we couldn't. It's ok to admit our burden is at times more than we have the strength to carry. That time will come to each of us, that is why we have relationships at all in this life. We are each others' helpmates.

It seems anymore that plans are meant to be demolished with the world's largest wrecking ball. Justin and I left work early last Friday to head down to visit my mom only to be thwarted 5 minutes before arrival at her house. My stepdad called to say she needed to go up to her doctor's office which is 4 hours away from their home and would possibly be staying at the hospital for several days and if we were close, he'd wait to leave until we got there. (This hospital is 40 minutes from our house). We made it just in time to say goodbye and have them leave back in the direction we came from.

Justin and I spent some time cleaning up their house for them and then headed to visit his parents and stay there for the night after just driving the length of the state of Utah. The next afternoon we headed back to our home to get a good night's sleep in our own bed.

Just as we were getting close to home, one of our tires felt wobbly, and we had to pull off the road to check it. A lug nut was missing, and it felt like some were loose. We had just bought new tires a few days before and were pretty frustrated that the guy hadn't screwed our tire on properly, and we could've been in a serious accident. Thankfully, we were close enough to home that we could take city streets home and not be stuck driving on the 80mph roads we were on before.

We got home, and decided to take the car back into the tire store to have them check all the tires and make sure they were secure. The only problem is, it was the weekend and nothing was open in the morning since it was Sunday.  We have two vehicles, but one is not registered because we're selling it. We didn't want to drive the car with the loose wheel up to the hospital on Sunday to see my mom, but we needed to get up there to see her. Also, apparently the train from our area to the hospital where she was doesn't run on Sundays. THANKS FRONTRUNNER. We decided we would just drive the unregistered truck and hope and pray that no one in a police car would notice.

Luckily, we made it up there and back with no further problems (or traffic tickets) and my mom was improving quite nicely from where she was on Friday when they  left. We took the car into the tire place today and they fixed it as well, without making us pay for any further work.

While I didn't get my weekend with my mom that I've been trying to have for over a month... I did get an afternoon with her, and I will have to be grateful for that right now.

I swear life is destined to demolish any plans we make. I think its sole goal is to teach us to laugh and roll with things. Although, after all the madness, I just want to crawl into my bed and take a long Autumn nap. I'm tired of rolling with things, but is there really another option?

It wasn't all a bust though. Justin got a sleeve tattoo from our seven year old niece. See for yourself.

It was so windy in this picture that it looks like I'm in a 1970's jumpsuit instead of my wedding dress.  I SO VERY MUCH LOVE BAD PHOTOS OF US! (this photo has nothing to do with this post, by the way)