Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.

It didn't take me long to think of my most treasured item. It's not really an object but is more of an abstract idea. My testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ. It didn't come easy for me, and I spent a lot of years faking that I had one because I wanted to be like everyone else I saw that was "high" on the gospel.

This post is kind of personal, but nothing I wouldn't share with anyone that asked, so I'm just sharing it here... because I feel like it! :)

I was born into the Mormon religion, and my childhood was a little tumultuous, which led me to be a thinker. I analyzed a lot of things, and while I excelled at school, and friends knew me as the girl with answers to a lot of questions (haha Tori!), I was struggling inside to find what I really wanted to know. I was a worrier from the start, and always have had a very independent spirit, despite wanting to fit in so badly. Just ask my parents... sorry Mom and Sam!

I attended seminary every year in high school and graduated from it, but if you look at my seminary grades it will show you how I really felt inside. Was religion for me at all? From about age 12 until about 22, I was searching myself constantly to see if I really wanted to be Mormon, or if I would just be sort of like Mormons, but not actually call myself one. (I liked a lot of the values they teach.) When I was 14, I wrote a letter to a leader of my Young Women's program telling her not to call on me because I was not sure I believed a lot of the principles of our church. I wasn't sure prophets existed, and didn't want to be forced to regurgitate information I didn't believe in. I was too scared to give the letter to her, for fear of my parents being notified and then we'd have to have a huge discussion. So I still have it, to remember the struggle I once felt.

This internal struggle stuck with me for about 10 years. When I was 22, I'd reached the end of my rope with my lifestyle and the people it was bringing to my life, mostly the men, and I dedicated myself to figuring it out once and for all... was organized religion for me? Better yet, was being a Mormon right for me? I spent an entire summer studying, praying, being alone, attending church sporadically, after not going for almost 2 years. I read the Scriptures frequently, and I read some Church published books. At the end of that summer, I moved to a new apartment complex, new ward, and decided to jump in head first and test it out.

It only took 4 months of solid attendance to give me what I needed. Around Christmastime that year I was hooked. I had an experience that confirmed for me that I was doing exactly what I should be doing, at the right time, and in the right way.

I have never looked back.

It's been almost 5 years exactly since I started my "last" attempt to find what I needed. It's funny this post came up today. I'd been thinking about this a lot lately and how different I am now because of this positive change in me.

Everything about me is different. I heal differently, I respect people more, I have more confidence, and I have more success. I also have more capacity to love people. This is one of my favorite parts of it. I also know myself a lot more because of the struggle/relief.

I know that this is the right way for me to live. Without this knowledge I'd still be struggling like I was. I'm so thankful that I was able to do what I had to do, so that God could pour into my heart exactly what I'd been searching for for so long. I've never regretted having to go through what I did. Because now I know for myself what I was looking for, and I am happier than I ever could've been otherwise.